


The Dog and the Duckling

by EnthusiasticSloth



Series: Duckling-verse [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Animagus, Biracial Character, Character(s) of Color, Denial of Feelings, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hufflepuff, Hufflepuff Mckinnon Family, Humor, Light Angst, Marauders' Era, Marlene is younger than the Marauders, Mutual Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Silly letters, Sirius Black's Flying Motorbike, Sirius has feelings and hates it, Slow Burn, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Young Sirius Black, biracial Marlene McKinnon, blackinnon, duck related humor, healing after loss of loved ones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-04 18:46:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 44,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15153338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnthusiasticSloth/pseuds/EnthusiasticSloth
Summary: Sirius is assigned to mentor Marlene Mckinnon when she joins The Order of the Phoenix. His perceptions of Hufflepuff house are drastically changed, and so is his life.





	1. Early August 1980

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for this ship, and though I've read several great fics about Marlene, I decided to go with my own version of her rather than the popular fanon. Here she is a few years younger than the Marauders and a Hufflepuff, so they were not well acquainted at Hogwarts. She's also a Woman of Color in this fic. Fair warning that this is going to diverge from Canon in about July of 1981. Thanks for reading and I hope you like my Marlene (and Sirius too of course).

  
  


August, 1980

 

“I need new friends.” 

Sirius mumbled empty insults under his breath. His closest friends had left him in the lurch. Sure, they had a valid reason, what with their 6 day old baby and all...He didn’t  _ really  _ think that they should have planned their family with more consideration for  _ him.  _ But he couldn’t help feel annoyed at the new duties to The Order of the Phoenix he would pick up due to James Potter’s absence for the next 8 weeks. 

  
  


He felt a smile coming on as he imagined little Harry giving them at least a tiny bit of hell. 

 

James Potter was probably changing a nappy at the very moment that Sirius attempted to keep his eyes open while reading over files on the newly enlisted witch he’s be mentoring. James’s task would be more brief but certainly had a more unpleasant odor. The little parlor room The Order of the Phoenix rented at The Leaky Caldron was perhaps a bit musty from old furniture and neglect, but that was the worst of it. 

 

Sirius has persistent doubts that he’d be a suitable mentor. He didn’t really understand why Dumbledore chose him to take up this slack. 

 

He went over the possible reasons in his head. Because pointless mental conjecture was one of the long list of things that Sirius Black enjoyed more than paperwork.  

 

_ I suppose I was the next best thing?  _

 

He wasn’t. He knew this. The Potters were the sort of people that took naturally to leadership. They’d been head boy and girl during their 7th year at Hogwarts and they were both more patient and more responsible than most people in their early 20s. Sirius was a far cry from that description. 

 

Two years out of Hogwarts, the goals he’d accomplished were less, “find a wife, buy a house, have a baby” and more “try not to be a gigantic twat to anyone today”.

 

He was fairly pleased with his progress in being less of a twat. He hadn’t been born to be a good or a kind person because certainly none of his family possessed those qualities. He didn’t even become aware that it was an option until he was 11 years old. His youthful attempts at catching up were often abject failures in real decency. He’d been a major twat a time or 50. 

 

He really had gotten better. He didn’t feel like a decent person deep down, but it was certainly what he was aiming to be. 

 

Sirius didn’t really do “responsible” though. He once bought new clothes because he was so rubbish at laundering spells, rather than practicing up on the aforementioned charms. It seemed reasonable to Sirius. He rode a flying motorbike and never found himself compelled to follow the rules in favor of having a good time. 

 

He considered the possibility that Dumbledore was using this as some sort of mission to persuade him into behaving like more of a role model. The only flaw in that theory was that it assumed Dumbledore had reasons for all the things he did. Sometimes he just did things. No one knew why. Including Albus Dumbledore himself. 

 

But reason or no reason, Sirius was stuck with the job and very soon he’d be face to face with his new mentee; Marlene McKinnon of Hufflepuff house, age 16. It was his his job to teach her how The Order works and let her follow him around, watching and learning,for the next month until she went back to Hogwarts. 

  
  


She’d be entering 7th year. Sirius figured she must’ve gotten bored and restless during the summer or that perhaps her older sisters and brothers going off to fight in wars seemed exciting to someone that young. With four siblings in the order she’d be an obvious recruit after she finished 7th year. 

 

He spotted the line on the file in front of him that stated Marlene wouldn’t even come of age until August 31st.  Generally, The Order wasn’t wild about taking under-age witches and wizards or even of age ones who were still at Hogwarts.

 

There were exceptions. Sirius found a pondering what made Marlene McKinnon exceptional more interesting than her file as well. 

 

7th years were particularly vulnerable to recruiting from the Death Eaters. Having a 7th year spying for the order and keeping tabs on who had taken the mark and who was likely to to do so was a fairly useful thing for The Order. It had been done before. 

 

But a McKinnon would be ghastly choice for this task. 

 

The McKinnons were a well known wizarding family. All fervent supporters of Muggle Born equality and every one of them (now that their youngest had signed on) was order affiliated. Sirius didn’t know their exact percentage of Magical ancestry and thought that sort of tedious detail was better saved for people who were vile enough to care. His mother probably would have known.

 

The McKinnon parents were a black Londoner witch and an Irish wizard. Their five children had slight variations of skin tones in the middle area between their parents. But every one of them had the same hair. It was instantly recognizable, as it was  _ large _ . Heaps of ringlets that seemed to grow out rather than down. It wouldn’t be hard to spot a McKinnon in a crowd from a broomstick at a distance. Not a great quality for a spy.

 

So when the girl showed up 20 minutes early with a smile as broad as Hagrid’s shoulders, he didn’t have to ask who she was. This was  _ obviously _ Marlene McKinnon of Hufflepuff house. She had more freckles than her sister Grace, who’d been in Sirius’s year, but he contended that they looked related. 

 

The beaming impish girl was tiny under all the golden-brown spiral curls. Sirius had encountered taller 2nd years. Marlene’s taste in muggle clothes might have made someone else look tough or edgy. But she looked like a human sunflower who inexplicably enjoys muggle bands with a penchant for profanity. 

 

_ She’s actually quite pretty. _

 

As soon as he’d had the thought he mentally backtracked and argued with himself over how she wasn’t really beautiful. She might have been more accurately described as cute. Sweet looking. Like a kneazle kitten. She had nothing of the icy untouchable beauty that his own family was known for. Sirius thought maybe that whole concept was overrated anyhow. His deranged cousin Bellatrix may have been one of the great beauties of her generation, but nearly everyone would agree that she was terrifying. 

 

Marlene was anything but terrifying. The only thing Sirius found disconcerting about her was that she was looking at him like Godric Gryffindor come again. 

 

Was she under the influence of a curse? Was she confusing him with someone important? Or just… confused in general?

 

Sirius was entirely oblivious to the fact that Marlene McKinnon had been looking at him like that for quite a while. She’d considered herself well over it by now, even. But as soon as she walked in she realized that the crush she’d acquired when she was in her 4th year and he in his 7th, was not entirely a thing of the past. Then-14-year-old Marlene had decided that Sirius Black was perhaps the most impressive young wizard she’d ever come into contact with when she heard he’d run away from home and subsequently been disowned for rejecting his family’s blood supremacist ideologies. 

 

She was completely smitten when she found that along with his principles and willingness to stand up for them, he also possessed strikingly handsome good looks. His high contrast coloring and steel grey eyes in combination with his aristocratic bone structure made it hard for Marlene to focus on anything else, even from across the dining hall. 

 

Her near in age siblings, Grace and Lucan, took notice and did not hesitate to tease their baby sister mercilessly. She’d tried saying yes to the first boy who expressed an interest in her in 5th year, just to prove to them that she was over her silly crush. She made a noble effort to overlook Reginald Cattermole’s uncanny resemblance to a ferret. Poor sod. Never stood a chance. She got increasingly bored of him during 6th year and gave him the boot officially some months back. And now she was back to square one. Sirius, naturally, hadn’t even been aware of any of this while it was going on.

 

He thought that no one looked at him like that. Though he liked to think he was quite pleasant to look at (Marlene would concur), in general he was looked upon with suspicion. And that was amongst his allies. There were plenty of witches and wizards who looked at him with complete contempt. But until that very moment Sirius didn’t think anyone had ever looked at him like Marlene McKinnon had from the moment she walked in the front door. 

 

He was really enjoying it.

 

_ But why? It was weird. I should stop. She should stop. _

 

“You’re Sirius Black.”

 

“I am. But I’m afraid you have this whole introductions thing backwards. I already know who I am. You’re meant to tell me who you are. But I’m fairly certain you’re Marlene McKinnon? Am I right?”

 

“Yes. That’d be me. Errrm… I meant to have introduced myself. Not just stare at you like an idiot, then tell you your own name. And I’m early. That’s...unfortunate. Uh… I’m pretty bad at this. I’m sorry?”

 

“It’s alright Marlene. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance. You’re bad at… what exactly?”

 

“So many things, really.” She laughed.

 

Sirius decided that the ability to laugh at herself would come in handy if she was always this strange around people. He actually kind of admired that quality. He was of the opinion that most people took themselves to seriously. It was tedious for him to spend time around people like that. He had a feeling that mentoring Marlene would be anything but tedious. 

 

“Well aren’t we all? I’ve never mentored anyone before and I’m sure I’ll be very disappointing. Truly, I’m sorry that you got stuck with me. You can send complaints to the Potters.” 

 

He thought maybe a little dose of self deprecation would put this little tightly wound ball of nerves a hair more at ease. Looking at her posture was making him uneasy. 

 

It was also Sirius’s earnest opinion that he would be a terrible mentor. He had no idea what he was even meant to do with her. He felt it was likely that he would forget to feed her or something like he had done with that goldfish he’d won at that muggle fair. 

 

“Oh no not at all.” She blurted out as if it were all one word.

 

As Marlene continued to speak, her words tumbled out at an impressive pace without so much as a pause for breath. 

 

“I was so excited when I heard you were going to mentor me. I always thought you were so brave, walking away from your family like you did. That must have taken an enormous amount of courage. But I hadn’t seen you since you left school and you are  _ exceptionally _ good looking and I got distracted and forgot that I was supposed to say  _ my  _ name when I meet a person.”

 

Sirius did his best not to let his face react in any way while Marlene cycled through approximately 50 facial expressions within the span of a minute. 

 

Sirius wondered what planet was this girl had come from. Grace McKinnon had been fairly Hufflepuffy in his recollection, but she wasn’t the personification of a broom crash when she spoke. But just like a broom crash, Marlene was impossible to look away from. Sirius was transfixed. But he preferred to think that he wasn’t quite terrible enough to have to hold back a laugh at a broom crash. 

 

He was at a loss of anything at all to say. Lucky for him that Marlene, whose embarrassed blush might have been visible from her far off home planet, felt compelled to fill the air with more of her own words. 

 

“Oh sweet Merlin did I really say that? I’m so so sorry. I think I should probably go. Maybe I’ll tell Dumbledore I’m not cut out for The Order. Maybe I’ll move to Spain and start a new life…”

 

“That won’t be necessary. Besides it would reflect pretty poorly on me if my first mentee ran away to Spain after meeting me once. So I must object. You’ll be great with The Order. Your heart is in it. It must be. You’ve still got a year of school left but here you are.”

 

“I thought maybe I could help. Everyone’s so scared. He’s getting more and more powerful. I’d rather be part of something that stops him than sit idle and be scared.”

 

“See, you do belong here. Please don’t run away to Spain. I’m sure your brothers and sisters would miss you terribly.”

 

“I suppose they might. A bit. Well, maybe not Gawain. But the rest. Do you know them?”

 

“I was in Grace’s year. We’ve never been close but she seems like a lovely person. You look a lot like her. You all look alike. Gawain too. What’s wrong with Gawain?”

 

Marlene did look like all the other McKinnons. But Sirius had never given Grace a second glance and if he had glanced any more at Marlene it would have constituted a full on ogling.

 

He told himself that he shouldn’t have been looking at her like that, but she had just called him  _ exceptionally good looking _ so it was sort of forced to the front of his mind. Or that’s the mental gymnastics he performed to excuse it anyway. 

 

“He’s terribly embarrassed by me. I’m… pretty embarrassing. So I don’t really blame him. But we aren’t particularly close.”

 

“I have a thing or two to teach him about what it’s really like to have embarrassing relatives. Did you know that my first cousin  _ tells people  _ that she’s the Dark Lord’s mistress? You’re not embarrassing. I… look forward to working with you.”

 

All the impulses Sirius felt towards Marlene felt  _ wrong  _ and contrary to the image he attempted to portray to the world. He was supposed to be blazé about people’s opinions of him. Self confident and cool. He felt anything but cool when intentionally bringing up Bella’s terrible taste in men. Could Voldemort even really be called a man at this point? He looked… not entirely human. Sirius idly wondered if he had all the working bits. But he would refrain from making any inquiries into the matter. 

 

Marlene looked so anxious. She looked down at her boots and played with the ripped hem of her too-big shirt. As endearing as her nervous fidgeting was, Sirius wanted to make her feel more at ease. 

 

But why should he care if she’s awkward? Probably that was just her. Why was he making himself uncomfortable in efforts to make her less so? He didn’t do that. He especially didn’t do that for skinny 16 year old Hufflepuffs with huge hair and school girl crushes. 

 

But he did. And he continued to, even as he thought about how he didn’t. 

 

“So you think she’s  _ not  _ his mistress but she  _ tells people _ that she is? That’s. Wow. I can’t think of many things more embarrassing than that. Actually being his mistress would be less pathetic, at least.”

 

Her sunny smile was back. Sirius felt a small sense of victory.

 

“I don’t know. I mean that’s my theory. But I don’t keep a sneekoscope in he-who-must-not-be-named’s bedroom.” 

 

“Do you think he even has a bedroom? You know I’ve never before this moment thought of him being a person who does mundane things such as sleep or shag your cousin. But he must, right? He can’t possibly devote every moment of his life to terrorizing and murdering. Do you think he does his own shopping?”

 

“He probably has his minions do it or else a house elf, but now I really wish he did do it himself. I like the mental image it creates. He’d need breaks from reigning terror for a few hours on Thursday afternoon, because he needs to stock up on fresh produce. Can you picture the poor shopkeeper, totally gobsmacked?”

 

“You make jokes about He-who-must-not-be-laughed-at too. Gawain would be so scandalized.”  

 

The pair were having quite a laugh at the expense of the most dangerous dark wizard alive. They were both sure that this was going to be fun. Sirius decided that he needed some fun in his life now that James and Lily were busy with their baby.  

  
  


* * *

 

It didn’t take long for Sirius’s family issues to make themselves known to his new mentee. He saw that as one of several reasons why he was not cut out for this at all. Marlene would surely be better off with someone who didn’t have a little brother who took the dark mark. 

 

_ So anyone other than me. Poor Marlene. _

 

While Sirius was right that he held the distinction of being the only member of The Order of the Phoenix to have a sibling take the mark, he was not correct about his ineptitude as Marlene’s mentor. At least not if you asked Marlene herself

 

For Marlene, seeing Sirius’s fruitless efforts to hide his conflicted feelings while listening to reports about his only brother and the danger he may be in was like throwing gas on the already roaring fire of her infatuation. 

 

She felt that all that conflict and turmoil over his family background made him even more admirable. The fact he was the only member of the order with a death eater sibling meant he was the one who had the most difficult decision to make. But he had made it and he’d chosen the side of the light. He would have had a much easier time keeping his head down and staying out of it, even if he privately detested Voldemort’s ideologies. That would be what most people would have done in his position, Marlene thought. But Sirius was brave and daring. He stood up and fought for what he believed in, even if it meant fighting against his own blood family. 

 

She looked at Sirius like he was a gallant knight out of a story book. He noticed. He noticed that she didn’t look at him any differently when she sat down at her first meeting and heard Dumbledore’s report that his brother was on the run. That all Order members were to keep eyes and ears out for Regulus Black because he might have information. 

 

So, Sirius thought, Regulus wasn’t just a death eater. He was a death eater who was extremely afraid of death and ran for the hills when he realized he wasn’t cut out of war. 

 

_ Bigotry and Cowardice. That’s Reg.  _

 

That was his nearest blood relative and Marlene still looked to him as if he actually knew what he was doing. He kept waiting for her to realize he was rubbish but the realization just didn't happen.‍

 

Still, he felt so ashamed as they left the meeting. He knew he was as supposed to be teaching her something or another but part of him wanted to tell her to just go home because he was pants at this anyhow. He didn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to dismiss her once she was right in front of him, smiling like a ray of sun through the clouds. The part of him that wanted to keep her with him won out.

 

Warmth was the only thing Marlene had more of than than hair. It would have been easier for Sirius to ask Dumbledore to assign her to someone else if she hadn’t been so enjoyable to be around. 

 

It was still a little weird for him. It wasn’t like him to really enjoy being around teenage girls with sunny dispositions who burst into the room and tell him that he’s  _ exceptionally good looking _ . 

 

That was because he hadn’t met any one particular girl who met that description before Marlene. It turned out he enjoyed Marlene quite a lot.

 

She seemed like someone he would have been friends with had she been in his year. She had a mischievous streak that she didn’t even try to hide. It was just very easy to underestimate her trouble making abilities because she was way more adorable than your average delinquent.  She was still intensely Hufflepuffy, but they had a more natural and immediate good rapport than he had with Peter. And certainly than more-so than Lily with any them. But he conceded that the whole reason he was even decent enough to be friendly with this little sunbeam was because of Lily. Lily made all of them more decent. He was glad she’d decided James was worth the effort. 

 

He would have to say something eventually. He’d been standing there staring at her like I’d been hit by a stunning curse for quite some time. 

 

“So uh… yeah I feel a little out of sorts after all that and I can’t think of what we should do. Um… do you… have any questions? Or anything?”

 

_ Idiot _ . 

 

He wondered why she didn’t realize she got cheated out of actual mentoring. He knew that it was likely she thought he had lovely grey eyes (fair. They were lovely.) but there was no reason at all, in his own opinion, to think he was capable of teaching anyone anything. 

 

“Are you feeling alright Sirius? You looked a bit sick back there. It must be awful for you. I can’t imagine.”

 

“You’re… very kind Marlene. I’m alright. It’s just part of life for me. You’re lucky though. Your family.”

 

“Yeah. I suppose I am. I mean I’m the youngest and the least impressive of five and that hasn’t always been fun but seeing what you live with has made me realize how lucky I am.”

 

“I don’t know your siblings very well. Would it be terrible of me to say I’m quite a lot more impressed with you than I ever was with Grace? I had classes with her for 7 years and she isn’t… you’re different.”

 

Grace McKinnon had just been part of the background noise for Sirius. She was by all accounts a decent person and a good student. She was order affiliated like all the McKinnons. She was not anything to write home about. If one were going to write home at all, which Sirius didn’t.

 

But he found Marlene  _ very _ interesting. And very cute. He did have to write a report of how things were going with her for Dumbledore, but he needed to refrain from mentioning how cute he thought she was. That was both irrelevant and likely to reflect poorly on him as a mentor. 

 

“Well I am different. You have that right. But you’re probably the first person to think I’m more impressive. Grace is in healer training. Grace was a prefect. Grace is lovely. She isn’t… verbally clumsy...like me.”

 

“Verbally Clumsy. That is a brilliant way of putting it. And I actually think that makes you more impressive? It’s… well never mind. You’re my favorite McKinnon for sure.”

 

_ I could probably just stare at her all afternoon and soak up all that warmth.  _

 

He knew that wouldn’t be a very useful lesson. He’d figure something out. Or else they’d just kill time until it became evident that nothing was getting taught today. It was strange but Sirius could deal with that. 

 

He’d rather have Marlene smiling at him than not. That was what it came down to.

 

* * *

 

Sirius was not an impressive duelist, even under the best conditions. He was passing decent. Maybe. He tended to act on instinct rather than calculating his moves based on his opponents weaknesses. 

 

But with Marlene he couldn’t muster any sort of impulse toward aggression. His dueling was just awful and it was, in his mind, all her fault. 

 

_ Damn her and her annoying cute freckles and her irritatingly sweet smile.  _

 

No one could be expected to send a curse at her with any kind of power behind it. Every instinct he had was more along the lines of “give the girl a hug” rather than “knock her on her arse”. 

 

“You don’t have to let me win Sirius! You know that won’t help me at all if I were to end up in a real battle.” She looked a little annoyed with him. Annoyed but still excessively sweet. 

 

“Sorry. I wasn’t actually... It wasn’t intentional. I just can’t bring myself… what if I hurt you? You’re uh… really tiny and breakable.”

 

“I’m tougher than I look.”

 

Marlene was telling the truth. It was impossible to grow up as the youngest of five and come away the delicate little flower Sirius believed she was. She was a sweet Hufflepuff with a petite frame, but she also had the top marks in her year in Defense Against the Dark Arts. She didn’t need to be big to throw big spells. 

 

She was gifted enough and had all the OWLs to apply to the ministry to be an auror, if she’d been of a mind to. She had a brother-in-law in the aurors even. Professor Sprout had been surprised bordering on disappointed that Marlene was not even considering a career in magical law enforcement. 

 

It wasn’t that she was afraid of a fight or didn’t want to devote herself to taking down dark wizards, it was a matter of not wanting to work for the ministry. 

 

“How about we just go for disarming?”

 

Marlene rolled her eyes. Sirius would have to get over this notion eventually. But she wouldn’t push him. For one thing, she thought it was very sweet that he was afraid of hurting her. 

 

She waffled over what that and every other little thing Sirius did might imply regarding his feelings towards her. She went over and over it, 30 times a day every day for at least the past week. She had no delusions that he didn’t know about her crush. Anyone who spent the least bit of time around the two of them would have known. It was not hard to spot. She was fairly certain that he didn’t find her entirely repulsive. He did seem to enjoy her company. That was a start.

 

“Fine fine. But you have to really try to disarm me. No half hearted expelliarmus! I  _ will _ notice and we will have words.”

 

“Well I’d hate for us to have to  _ have words _ .”

 

His tone rang out  _ a little  _ flirtatious in his teasing. He only noticed when he saw the blush creeping up under Marlene’s freckles. She was highly attuned to these little things. More so than Sirius himself. She was brimming with nervous excitement. 

 

Sirius was just plain nervous rather than excited. She already looked at him like he hung the moon. He felt he shouldn’t encourage her little crush. 

 

Except that he was really enjoying it. 

 

He went about his mental self flagellation, wondering what was wrong with him, how could he be so mean to egg her on like that…

 

He questioned if he was really that much of an egotistical wanker that he’d encourage her in that direction because it was fun to have someone earnestly admire him like that. 

 

_ Gross.  _

 

On the the other hand, that was far preferable than the alternative _.  _ He could handle being an arse. Plenty of people would have said he was already doing a fine job there. He couldn’t handle growing feelings for her. Feelings were a whole other level of gross.

 

_ Scary gross _

 

He took a breath and then a bow, to signify the start of this round of their duel. Soon he’d cast his expelliarmus and she’d thrown up her shield. Her shield which was quite sturdy.

  
  


He tried casting an impediment jinx then immediately following it up with another disarming spell. But she ducked and shielded herself with more finesse than should have been possible for someone who tended to fall all over themselves in normal conversations. 

 

_ Damn. She is… wow. Maybe she is tougher than she looks.  _

 

It took a lot more moving in on her and rapid fire spells than he’d thought it would, but eventually he got her on her knees, with her wand in his hand. He doubted he’d be able to beat her in a year. She was surprisingly good with defensive magic. Maybe, he thought, her sweetness was more of a bonus than a drawback in that regard. Opponents would underestimate her. He would try not to underestimate her again.

 

He felt it necessary, however, to take advantage of the full theatricality of a wizard's duel… He approached slowly, and got just a hair too close. 

 

“Do you yield?” 

 

He looked straight into her big brown eyes. From her knees she looked up at him with a hint of playfulness that felt, to Sirius, a bit… dangerous. She was fairly certain he was flirting and she was not backing down from the challenge. They were both having  _ far  _ too much fun with this show of a duel.

 

“I yield. Do your very worst.” 

 

He couldn’t hold in his laughter as he pulled her up by the hand. He’d only meant to help her to her feet and return her wand but Marlene used the momentum to throw herself all the way into an embrace. 

 

The more Sirius was around Marlene, the less in control he felt. It wasn’t generally this fun for him to be ogled. He was  _ definitely  _ being ogled at that very moment. 

 

He knew he should probably do something to discourage it, but there he was, not letting go of her, getting lost in the warmth of her smile. 


	2. Late August 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I have lots of feelings and I hate them. But I like you and I like your freckles. They’re like confetti. Thrown in celebration of your face.”

 

Late August 1980

 

Sirius had gotten quite bored of looking at the same old peeling wallpaper in the little parlor room at the Leaky. It had very likely never been a thing of beauty; 40 years or so in, it was practically offensive to his eyes. Or maybe he’d just spent too much time there recently. He had an unconfirmed, but in his opinion, a very plausible theory that he was afflicted with a mild allergy to routine. 

 

Since he had no particular magic to work on with Marlene for the day, he suggested they work on paperwork at a little muggle library that he knew of. They even served tea, done the muggle way. It was quaint and a nicer way to spend the afternoon than wishing he’d learned a spell to set wallpaper on fire without harming anything else.

 

They’d need to wrap up soon. The glass ceiling revealed the light of an orange-red sun that was near setting. The pair made haste of finishing their assessment of the discrepancies in the files The Order held on a wizard called Igor Karkaroff. Sirius looked up from the stack of papers and noticed that a little grey tabby cat was pawing at the closest window. 

 

“Something’s wrong, Marlene. That’s Minerva outside.”

 

“...Professor McGonagall? That cat? Oh hey. That’s her alright. I wouldn’t have recognized her but it is. What on earth is she doing here?” 

 

Down in the pit of his stomach he knew it had to be something terrible. It was never anything good. Not like this.

 

“She wouldn’t have come here if it wasn’t important. I could be called out on a mission. There could be an attack. You should go home to your family. I have to deal with this. We’ll talk later.”

 

“I’ll go if you want me to, but I want to stay with you. See what’s wrong. I want to help.”

 

Marlene had joined the order before the conventional time frame precisely because she wanted to help. She was as scared as all the other students in her year but she saw nothing useful in lying in wait. Waiting to enlist wouldn’t stop her from being targeted. She was at risk and so was everyone she cared about. Learning to protect herself and allying herself with the Order seemed the logical thing to do. She cared about the world and wanted to put every effort she could muster into saving it from falling into the hands of a dark wizard. If not her, then who?

 

“Come on outside then, we need to see what McGonagall has to say and then you can decide what you’re going to do.”

 

They made their way outside to follow McGonagall. The little tabby hurried into a back alleyway where her phasing back into her human form would go unseen and undisturbed. Both Sirius and Marlene felt sick with worry. There was no one who was safe. Just about everyone they knew and loved could be in imminent danger, if they weren't already dead. 

 

“Sirius…Miss McKinnon. I’m sorry I had to interrupt your work like this. Dumbledore sent me to be the bearer of bad news. Sirius, there’s been reports of the death of your brother Regulus.”

 

Minerva put a hand on Sirius’s shoulder. This boy had been one of her Gryffindors just a few short years ago. He raised more than his share of hell but she loved him nonetheless, in her way. She’d been as shocked as everyone else when the hat sat atop the Black child’s head and called out Gryffindor. Poor little thing had stood frozen in terror until she urged him to the Gryffindor table with a kind hand on his shoulder, just like now. 

 

“I suppose I should have known.” Sirius’s voice was barely above a whisper.  He stared off into space. His immediate reaction was  _ shame.  _ How could he have been so stupid to not prepare himself for this? This was his lot in life and he shouldn’t have felt the rush of pain so acutely.

 

“I don’t know Regulus’s reasons for defecting… but it’s possible that he had some good left in him. I’m so sorry my boy.”

 

Sirius nodded because he didn’t know what to say.

 

_ Reg… my little brother...  _

 

He’d sealed his fate when he ran. Or maybe before that. When he took the dark mark. His days were numbered when he put his life in the hands of a monster. Sirius hadn’t spoken to him in nearly 5 years… the last time he saw Regulus, he was with the death eaters who attacked and tortured a muggle-born shopkeeper… he didn’t even look at Sirius. Now he’d never look at him again. 

 

“Murdered by Voldemort?”

 

“From the information I’ve been given it sounds like he-who-must-not-be-named sent someone after Regulus. Trackers. He probably wanted to make an example of your brother, in case anyone else were to think of running. He’s ruling by fear. That’s his philosophy. I wish I could do something to make this easier for you, Sirius, but I’m afraid all that I can do is give you my deepest sympathies.”

 

“I hadn’t heard from Regulus in years. Maybe he just… got scared. I… uhh… thank you for coming in person, Minerva. I appreciate that. I..uh.. need to go.”

 

_ Shit. Fuck. Shit.  _

 

He felt like the floor had come out from under him. Everything had gone to complete hell and he was about to cry over his dead brother...who wasn’t even a decent person...in front of Marlene and fucking Minerva McGonagall too for that matter. He couldn’t breathe. He needed to be anywhere else and immediately. 

 

Later, he’d think of how it was terribly inconsiderate to disapparate without making sure Marlene had a way home. But he hadn’t been in a stable enough frame of mind to be thoughtful. He didn’t consider it at all until he was already inside his flat. Alone. Fallen to his knees just a few paces inside the door. 

 

Fuck. Fucking Regulus. Why couldn’t he have had a spine? Why couldn’t he see through the tripe they were fed? Why did Sirius have to have these people as his family?

 

Sirius always worked hard to avoid thinking of his childhood. He pushed the memories away any time they threatened to float to the front of his mind. He refused to think of the trouble they got up to when we were left for Kreacher to care for. He’d wanted to forget that he’d had a family… even a really dysfunctional one… because it was easier to have a total void in his past than to confront those few funny images that crept in from the depths of his memories. The sounds of childish laughter when he got his 7 year old brother stuck up a tree or magically bound to the cat were more haunting than the fact he was all alone. 

 

It was easier to pretend Reg didn’t exist than to think of the times he thought he could save him. He’d felt responsible for him but then he’d given up and walked away from it all out of self preservation. He couldn’t think of that and then reconcile himself with the fact Regulus decided to take The Mark. 

 

He’d always been a coward. Weak. He had no will of his own. Regulus Black had been a meer vessel for the expectations others placed upon him. Really, the only trait that was his brother’s own, in Sirius’s recollection, was cowardice. 

 

Why did he still feel like he should have protected him? Regulus wasn’t a little boy who was being bullied by older cousins… he could have made different choices. He didn’t. Sirius wasn’t… capable of protecting him from his own character. But the news of his death still came to Sirius like a punch in the gut. It didn’t matter what he could or couldn’t have done.

 

He poured himself an overly generous glass of Ogden’s Firewhiskey and downed it in one. It burned. He wished that it could burn all this idiotic conflict out of himself. He was fairly sure that wasn’t how it worked, but he had no better plan of action. 

 

A noise jarred him out of his head. It was quite an effort to force himself to lift his head from his hands and see what was causing it. 

 

It was the door. He hoped it was just someone trying to sell him crap at a very inopportune moment. Otherwise…

 

He poured another glass of the burning amber drink and guzzled it down quickly as he listened to the voice behind the door. Marlene. She’d mentioned that she’d already taken the apparition classes. She was meant to take the test next month. It appeared that she had apparated unlicensed for him. 

 

_ Uggghh _ . 

  
  


“I’m so sorry, Sirius. Is there anything I can do? Are you alone in there? Do you want me to contact anyone or get you anything? I’ll bugger off if that’s what you need. I just wanted you to know that I’m here and I’d like to help if I can.” 

 

Why did she have to be so fucking  _ nice _ ? He thought about how she could have backed slowly away from Sirius and his disaster of a family situation. He would have backed away from himself if that were possible. She was a fundamentally good person. Kind in a way that Sirius had seldom encountered. He didn’t even deserve a person that good in his life. But she had offered her help and he wasn’t a decent enough person to turn her away.

 

The effects of unwise portions of hard liquor that he’d ingested all at once hit him like a bludgeor to the head as he found his footing. He stumbled to the door and opened it.

 

By the way she looked at him, she really didn’t seem to think less of him for any of this. It was hard to turn that kind of person away if she’s at your door willing to be an ear to listen to your incoherent and increasingly intoxicated blubbering.

 

“You didn’t have to come. But thanks. Even though we’ve only known each other for what… two weeks?  You’re just… here…asking to help. I’m sorry for leaving you there. As you could see, I was very close to going bug-fuck insane with all that. I might have come home and poured a bunch of firewhisky on my problems. Now I’m still a fucking mess but also drunk. I don’t know why you even bother with me.”

 

“I want to help because you’re incredible and brave. You could have made choices that made your life so much easier but you’re here. I lucked into getting to spend all this time with you. So really, keeping you company while you’re a drunk panicked mess is the very least I can do.”

 

“You’re crazy. You really don’t have to stay to babysit me. I’m sure I’ll be ok. I’ll floo James tomorrow.”

 

“I’m staying unless you really want me to leave.”

 

She wiped a tear from his face and took his hand. He really did want her to stay. With that tiny little hand came a wash of comfort. He didn’t have the emotional energy to feel conflicted about the weirdness between them. He just… was glad she was there. 

 

“You know I feel like a monster because I hardly even reacted to my own father being murdered? He was. Nearly a year ago. It wasn’t like this. I just… Reg.”

 

“I don’t think you’re a monster Sirius.”

 

He didn’t feel like spilling the gruesome details of his father’s character and how someone like that treats his children. His father had left him bruised and bloodied from curses that he’d created himself, but those wounds had long since healed. The guilt he felt about Regulus would be harder to heal. Guilt. Shame. Fear. His mother’s weapons of choice. Harder to escape. The whole thing was hard to talk about but words spilled out given the circumstances.

 

“My father was cruel and my brother was a weak coward and now they’re both dead. Mum’s all alone now. And I’m probably just as bad as any of them because I’m thinking about how much she deserves to suffer. I hope she suffers alone.”

 

Sirius felt the effects of too much to drink too quickly in his head and stomach and everywhere else too while he was at it. This was really bad.

 

“I don’t know anything about your family other than what you just told me, and that you were disowned for rejecting the pure-blood rubbish they believed. But I know you aren’t as bad as someone who hurt you because you’re angry that you were hurt. That’s not how it works.”

 

“I don’t know how it works at all. I give up. I’m turning into a dog permanently and just living out my days. Dogs don’t have so many disgusting feelings.”

 

“...You can’t… turn into a dog? Or…wait. You can turn into a dog? Like an animagus?”

 

“Aaahhhhfuck. Whoops. No one is supposed to know. I didn’t… I’ve never slipped up before. Bollocks... Hope I don’t remember this in the morning because I’m really gonna beat myself up about it if I do.” He drew out the word ‘really’.

 

Sirius just didn’t have the energy or the cognitive function to properly beat himself up at that moment. Blurting that out was uncharacteristic, sort of like this whole thing with Marlene had been. 

 

“I won’t say anything… but please don’t live out your days as a dog. I’d miss you.”

 

Marlene was going to need to process the animagus business at a later date. She felt compelled to do whatever she could to bring Sirius a little comfort after he’d been dealt the wretched blow of the news of his brother’s murder.

 

“I asked him to come with me.” He mumbled.

 

“Your brother? When?”

 

“When I left home. When my mum burned me off of the tree. I begged Reg to come with me. I thought if he could get out of that horrid house and away from those horrid people then maybe he could have a chance. He… well obviously it didn’t go that way.”

 

“I’m so sorry. You must have really cared about him to want give him that chance. It isn’t your fault that he didn’t take it.”

 

“I could have tried harder. My parents were both cruel in their different ways. And I left Reg there to live with that alone when he was just 14. I should have tried harder.”

 

“You did everything you could. You went above and beyond. You could have just stayed neutral and kept out of it. But you are in the Order working every day against the sort of evil you saw. I can’t… even express how big of a deal that is to me. You’re an amazing wizard Sirius.”

 

“You….”

 

He felt dizzy and a bit sick. It showed. He hoped Marlene would still think all these nice things about him if he had to run to the loo to be sick. 

 

He looked at her from where he was seated beside her on the sofa. And everything felt out of focus. It seemed like the floor itself was unsteady. 

 

Suddenly he was horizontal with his head was on Marlene’s lap. He wasn’t sure how he got like that. His eyes were still fixed on her though. He hadn’t looked away. She was really pretty. 

 

“I have lots of feelings and I hate them. But I like you and I like your freckles. They’re like confetti. Thrown in celebration of your face.”

 

“I think that’s the nicest thing a drunk person has ever said to me. You look like you’re going to pass out Sirius. Let me help you to bed.”

 

He nodded affirmatively, but didn’t find words. She stood up and pulled him by the hands up to his unsteady feet. She held onto him as he stumbled into the bedroom and collapsed onto his bed. 

 

“Do you need anything? Can I get you some water?”

 

“Can you stay with me? At least until I’m asleep? That sounds rather pathetic… but I’m too drunk for pride.”

 

“You aren’t pathetic. You’re… unthinkably brave. I’ll stay. Budge up.”

 

Generally speaking, either of the pair would have had more misgivings about getting into bed together. There was so much else going on though, that neither had it in them to object. She slid in beside him. The bed was a big enough that they weren’t even touching.

 

“Oh Merlin… I’m sorry. This makes me seem like a creep.” He blurted out the half hearted apology as she settled in. 

  
  


In his inebriated state, he hadn’t really thought it through before asking Marlene to stay. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. Her presence was undeniably a comfort to him. He wanted her to know that but couldn’t get his drunk tongue around the words.

 

“Relax. No one’s a creep. My niece and nephew always want me to come in bed with them when they have nightmares. I can do the same for you.”

 

Marlene stroked his dark wavy hair and thought about how different she felt about him now than she had just a few weeks ago.

 

She’d dreamt of getting in bed with Sirius Black for longer than she’d care to admit, but now she was actually in his bed all she wanted was to help him through this horrible experience. He was still devastatingly handsome, but she could see past that now, to this incredible person who was hurting and thought he had to do so alone. 

 

“War is painful. We can’t stop it from hurting. But you don’t have to bare it alone. Ok, Sirius?”

 

“Thank you” he was almost asleep. But she was glad he heard her. He needed to know. 

 

She kissed his forehead just once in a comforting gesture and reigned in any and all further impulses fairly easily. 

 

He was asleep within minutes and she wasn’t terribly far behind him.

 

She woke up in his arms the next morning. They must have drifted together during the night. She pretended to be asleep for as long as possible so as to prolong her time there. 

  
  
  


* * *

 

Sirius was of a mind that every house had its own unique smell. Though truthfully, he hadn’t been inside enough houses to say for certain that no two were the same. In any case, James and Lily’s two story house in Godric’s Hollow smelled like  _ family _ .

 

Family permeated the walls. It was the smell he’d come to associate with the kind of commitment and love that James and Lily had for each other and now to their son. Though it was always nice to for Sirius to visit with his closest friends and his little godson, the whole  _ family  _ thing made him feel uneasy. 

 

His own history with family was rather bleak and made him not so keen on the idea. His brother being callously murdered didn’t make the concept any easier to stomach. 

 

“He didn’t even kill Reg himself. He ordered some other scum to do it and they did. They’ll all turn on each other that easily.”

 

“I know it must be awful for you Pads. You deserved a better family than the one you were dealt. I wish I could have helped your brother. I know you wanted to. I’m sorry things turned out like this.”

 

James was the was the closest thing he had to a real family. He had been for a long time. But the whole concept of familial attachment came easily to James whereas it brought on cold sweats in Sirius. 

 

He knew when he’d stood as James’s best man that commitment suited James. He’s worshipped Lily since we were kids and she’d become a genuine friend to Sirius too. He loved them both and wanted them to be happy. The thought of commiting to be a family with someone like that still terrified him. 

 

His mother’s disapprobation has enough vitriol behind it that he’d felt overt rebellion was the only option. If he hated her, then she couldn’t hurt him. It worked out better for him in the end, of course. He’d become a better person and coming to truly hate his family’s beliefs. The outcome didn’t change the fact that it had been borne of a hurting kid who was distraught about disappointing his mother. All that pushback was a shield against her dissatisfaction with him as a son. 

 

He felt that if he could disappoint his own mother that much he would always be at risk for letting the people he loved down. 

 

It was hard enough for him to take that risk with friends. He looked at James and Lily, and thought about how much he needed them in his life. He would be lost without them. That alone was scary. 

 

At least with friends he was encouraged to have more than one. The thought of singling out one person as  _ your  _ person and investing all your hopes and dreams in them made Sirius break out in a cold sweat. He didn’t want any one person to have that much capacity to hurt him. He’d inevitably muck everything up and they’d regret ever meeting him. His mum showed him the extent of the damage one person could inflict him with given the authority to do so.

 

Casual sex, mostly with muggles who would make his mother seethe with anger, was fairly uncomplicated. It wasn’t quite as pathological as it had been when he was younger and trying desperately to fill a void. He needed someone to approve of him in some sort of way, and he used the only gift his parents ever gave him to get it. He was attractive. There would always be someone. He’d slowed down in the past year. Everyone had a nice time and then he could just go about his life and not have another thing to lose his marbles over.

 

He’d really never found reason to question that choice. Until a reason burst through the doorway with giant hair; suddenly he was inundated with feelings he’d assumed that he was immune to. When woke up this morning with her wrapped in his arms, the inconvenient truth was too obvious to ignore. But his every impulse told him to deny it and run. 

 

This wasn’t fun. He’d seen other people falling in love and they looked like they were having fun. This was excruciating. 

 

“Do you think I’d be a very disappointing boyfriend?” he asked James after Lily went with Harry upstairs to nurse him to sleep.

 

“Well Pads, I’m terribly sorry to let you down and all, but I’m married. Lily would be quite disappointed at my having any boyfriend.”

 

“You’re terrible. You know what I meant.” He rolled his eyes fairly hard at that one. Sirius supposed that since James was a dad now he felt compelled to take every lame joke opportunity that presented itself. 

 

“Who’s the lucky witch? Or is it wizard? Or...muggle?” 

 

James Potter had never quite understood the way Sirius operated in this regard. Lily was it for James, since he was just a kid. He’d never even thought of being with anyone else. When his best mate, whom he loved as a brother, came of age and commenced with casual and purely physical relationships, he felt confused. Sirius’s requirements in a bedmate were few and far between. James was pretty sure they needed to be vaguely human shaped, willing, and attractive. He had some suspicion that his friend also avoided going to bed with anyone he’d actually want to have a conversation with.  Though clearly, if Sirius was going on about being someone’s boyfriend, he must have accidentally conversed with someone.

 

“You’re not going to include veela in there? Vampire?” Sirius had to laugh. When James cringed Sirius winked suggestively. 

 

“Ok Pads, while it’s kind of you to plant that image in my brain, you still didn’t tell me who this is about.” 

  
  


James hadn’t fallen for his attempt at deflecting banter. He didn’t look forward to revealing the particulars. Admitting it in a specific sense made it more real. The more real it felt the stronger the waves of nausea in the pit of his stomach felt.

 

“I meant in a more general sense. I’ve just been thinking…”

 

“Well you should stop that! It’ll give you wrinkles.”

 

“Prongs...I’m trying to have a moment over here! Stop it.”

 

“Ok ok carry on about your thinking.”

 

“Well I’ve wondered what I would do if I met someone? Would it even be worth trying? I’ve spent this long avoiding heartbreak and disappointment why start now? But what if I, ya know… hypothetically… had inconvenient  _ feelings _ for someone?”

 

James was barely holding himself back from busting out in stitches laughing. He wished Sirius could see the priceless expression on his own face as he uttered the word ‘feelings’. He looked a lot like professor Slughorn had the time they’d semi-inadvertently brewed an inverse of elixir of euphoria. It was quite strong and just a waft of it caused a noticeable degree of revulsion in Slughorn.

 

“Morgana’s tits! Mr. Love-is-scary has been hit by Cupid’s arrow! And you won’t even tell your very best mate who it is. I’m hurt. But I’m also thrilled! It’s always worth trying Pads. You won’t know how good it could be if you never try.”

 

“I’ve been hit by no such arrow thank you very much. At most I’ve been hit by an arrow of inescapable terror and dread.” 

 

“What about inescapable terror and dread? I’m always catching the end of things like that these days.” Lily chimed in as she descended the stairs. 

 

“Sirius is in love, but he isn’t being very forthcoming with information. Anyway, tell him that he should definitely go for it!”

 

“How am I to know if he should go for it? I don’t know anything about this whole situation. Sirius?”

 

Sirius glared at James, who looked happy as a clam at backing his friend into this uncomfortable conversational corner. 

 

“James is making a giant out of a pixie. It’s nothing. I just asked if he thought it would be worth the risk involved to make a go of the whole  _ relationship  _ thing that I’ve been so thorough about avoiding up to this point. If I.. err… happened to meet someone and find myself having really annoying feelings for them?”

 

“ _ Annoying feelings _ . Ok then. You’re right James. Our little boy is in love! Tell me everything!”

 

Sirius had, in the past, pointed out on numerous occasions that he was actually a few months older than both of the Potters. This didn’t stop them from carrying on the banter that he was their child. Truth be told, Sirius would have to admit they’d done a better job raising him than his actual parents. Here he was, asking for their advice because he was completely at a loss for what to do. Just like incredibly annoying family, they were taking the mickey out of him as much as possible in the process of giving their earnest advice.

 

“There’s nothing to tell. Really. I just… I shouldn’t have said anything.”

 

“Fine fine… you don’t have to tell me. But if your feelings are persistently annoying then I advise that you make an exception to your rule. I think it could be really good for you. I mean, James and I had always hoped someone would come along eventually.”

 

“Yeah. Uh. Maybe. Eventually maybe. It’s all very… frightening. And a bit nauseating. Maybe we should talk about something else.”

 

Lily and James looked at each other. Sirius suspected that they were having some sort of silent conversation about how to proceed in torturing him. It wasn’t even a magical connection. The couple just looked at each other and maybe moved one eyebrow very subtly. It may have been a complex code of facial movements or perhaps his beloved friends were nutters. He sighed audibly in exasperation.

 

“Fine then. How’s mentoring going? Who is it they have you working with again?”

 

Sirius’s groan confirmed to Lily that she was right. She made an educated guess of who Sirius would have spent time with recently. It wasn’t the gift of prophecy or anything but it was still very irritating.

 

“Oooo nice job Lils. I hadn’t thought of that. It’s the youngest McKinnon right? I remember reading her file before Harry was born. Oh Merlin… don’t they all have that hair?”

 

James gestured wildly with his arms pointing up and out from his head to illustrate the signature McKinnon hair. Sirius rolled his eyes. 

 

“You lot are the worst. Yes, she has that hair. It’s where she keeps her personality, I think. I like it…”

 

“You like her hair, or her personality?”

 

“Both. Uggghhh...I should have just stayed home. This crisis is dumb.”

 

“Well we thought you’d be here with a crisis over your conflicted feelings regarding your brother. But we can handle crises of all sorts.”

 

“Marlene beat you to the punch there. She was present when McGonagall gave me the news. Then she showed up at my flat and was… there.”

 

“ _ There _ ? You slept with her already?”

 

“No! Well… not like that. She did sleep in my bed but it was entirely chaste and only because I was pathetic and didn’t want to be alone.”

 

He was really embarrassed to admit that and couldn’t look either of the Potters in the eye while he mumbled out his explanation, but he thought the truth was better than letting James run with his previous assumption. 

 

“You know… that’s even worse. You’re a total goner. Don’t bother resisting. It’s pointless.”

 

“James you’re making love sound like a terminal disease. Stop it! She must care quite a lot about Sirius, to stay with him like that.”

 

“For some reason she appears to…”

 

Sirius shook his head and leaned back into the Potters’ sofa. He thought “terminal disease” described the whole situation pretty well. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


“So Dumbledore came up with a method of communication just for The Order. You’ll need to learn it. You’re familiar with the Patronus Charm?”

 

“Only theoretically. I’ve never tried to cast it” 

 

“Well it’s quite a lot simpler to do a corporeal for these purposes, I’m sure you’ll catch on.”

 

“Your meant to think of a happy memory then you cast an animal cloudy thing?”

 

Marlene McKinnon would be the first to tell you that she wasn’t the most eloquent person. But she never failed to make Sirius laugh. It seemed to Sirius that she was charming and funny  _ because _ she wasn’t particularly eloquent rather than in spite of the fact.

 

“Animal. Cloudy. Thing. Yes, I suppose you might call it that. And that’s pretty much the crux of the patronus itself. Once you’ve mastered the patronus, you’ll have to add in the relaying a message bit. The trickiest part of that is thinking exactly what you want the message to say and nothing else. You don’t want your patronus to suddenly tell Dumbledore that you’ve left the kettle on.”

 

“Unless I left the kettle on and Albus Dumbledore were the only person left on earth who could possibly turn the kettle off for me.”

 

“...Yes. Right. Ok Marlene. You know the spell. Would you like to make a jab at just the patronus now?”

 

She nodded and tried to gather her concentration. 

 

Sirius suspected that Marlene would get a hold on casting a corporeal patronus without much struggle. She was such a sunny little person. She must have had a lot of happy memories with all those siblings, none of whom were evil blood supremacists or even fans of the Chudley Cannons or anything as far as he knew. 

 

While Sirius tried to think of what quidditch league the McKinnon’s went for, Marlene brought the happiest memory she could think of to the forefront of her mind. She could see her three year old nephew Cassius throwing his chubby little arms around her and her his little voice telling her she was his FAVORITE. That kid had a lot of aunts and uncles and yet Marlene was his favorite. That was quite an honored distinction in her mind. 

 

“ _ Expecto Patronum _ !”

 

She had a lot of volume and enthusiasm but the wisp just sort of dripped out of the wand sadly instead of projecting itself forward into some sort of animal shape. Luckily, Sirius spotted her error and it was an easy one to fix. 

 

“Don’t fret over that. It’s only an issue of your wand movements. Here let me show you.”

 

She looked up at him. Her reverence for Sirius was as plain as day in her deep brown eyes. She couldn’t hide anything with such transparently honest eyes. She’d make a terrible spy, but she was an unimpeachable ally. 

 

_ Merlin’s Beard... her eyes are beautiful. Am I staring? I should…stop that.  _

 

She obviously expected a demonstration but Sirius, contending that he was a terrible human being, or maybe a very efficient teacher of the patronus, stepped behind her and took her wand hand in his.  

 

He felt a little ashamed of this excessively cheesy move, but forgave himself fairly easily, as he came from a family where an illicit affair with an only-vaguely-human-shaped dark wizard was considered a bragging right. He was doing his best.

 

He felt her flinch in surprise. She hadn’t expected him to touch her. His breath on her neck gave her goosebumps. She could hear her heart’s rapid beating in her ears as he whispered instructions. 

 

“You had the spiral starting small and growing outwards. It’s the other way for this one. Like this.”

 

He guided her hand in the inward spiral wand movement slowly to demonstrate.

 

He stepped away, gesturing for her to try again. She looked like she was close to losing her balance. He found her whole posture amusing to watch. Baffling. But funny. 

 

There were girls back at school who looked at him from behind their books and blushed when he smiled at them. That part wasn’t particularly surprising. The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black was not known to produce trolls and hags. They were all quite striking, and though his mother had burnt him off of that dreadful old tapestry she couldn’t change the fact that he bore a resemblance to her and his father as well. His parents were cousins and were fairly similar, both possessing the hallmarks traits of the Black family. Both beautiful and both horrid blood supremacist snakes. 

 

So, Sirius was familiar enough with people being taken with his appearance. That sort of thing sort of blended into the background noise after a while. 

 

This wasn’t the same. No one before Marlene ever struck Sirius as being all that impressed with  _ him.  _

 

He stood to the side as she practiced the spell over and over again. She was nearly there. She’d just need to focus her thoughts a little more and the  _ animal cloudy thing  _ would come. He could just enjoy watching her until then.

 

Marlene treated him like he was inherently good and brave. It made him really want to be those things in earnest. He didn’t want to dash her hopes and lose her. Disappointing people came naturally to him, he thought. More so than courage or decency. His mother had certainly thought so. 

 

The strong likelihood that he would at some point, somehow, ruin everything with Marlene made him feel sick. He wanted to put a wall up and fast. This was dangerous. 

 

Luckily Marlene’s fully corporeal patronus showed up to bring him out of his head. The bright silver-blue wisps were strong enough to come together in the form of a… bird? Some kind of duck?

 

_ Oh sweet Merlin it’s a duckling. Of course it’s a duckling _ . 

 

Marlene McKinnon was without a doubt, a duckling sort of person. 

 

“Awww…” escaped from his mouth before he could compose himself. 

 

_ Sirius Black does not aww over things _ . 

 

Except that he just had. He found this fact unacceptable and yet he was at a loss of how to get back on track. 

 

“A little duck? My deepest affinity is for… a little duck?” She looked a little let down. Sirius was not going to let that stand.

 

“The patronus doesn’t lie Marlene. Besides I like it. It’ll be fun to get messages delivered via duckling. You’re brilliant. Top Marks. 10 points to Hufflepuff.”

 

“It’s not exactly a duckling is it? It’s more like a teenage duck?”

 

“Maybe, but I’m calling you a duckling from now on. You’re Marlene the duckling and that’s that.”

 

Sirius felt he must have been temporarily possessed because he found himself touching her cheek. Had he given his hand permission to do that? He backed away as soon as he came to his senses. Marlene looked down at her shoes in embarrassment. 

 

“Well since that went so easy for you I’m gonna have you try the message part. We have… not a lot else to do. I really expected it to take longer to get the corporeal down.” He broke the silence that had gone on just a hair too long.

 

“Thanks for teaching me. You’re… a good mentor? I should thank the Potters for having their baby last month. I’m so glad that I got assigned to you.”

 

“Ha! I’m going to have to have you put that down in writing for Dumbledore to believe it. But thanks. I bet James will feel a lot better when I tell him that he hasn’t left some poor kid floundering with no guidance.”

 

“I hope I’ll get to meet them. And their baby. How crazy is it for you that your closest friends have a baby?”

 

“It’s weird. I feel… old. They’ve named me as his godfather. I feel so out of my depth. But that’s what’s happening and little Harry needs someone to remind him that his dad used to be fun.”

 

“Well you’re  _ hardly _ old. And neither are they. I’m sure having a baby does cut back on their fun having abilities for now, but I’m also sure they’re the same people they always were. Elaine, that’s my oldest sister, has kids and she’s still great. Now she’s just great and also exhausted and covered in toddlers.”

 

“Ha! What an image. I suppose you’re right, of course. I’m sure you  _ will _ meet them soon. You’ll like them a lot. Almost everyone does.”

 

Sirius was fairly sure that Marlene would notice that both of the Potters were infinitely more impressive than he was. James with his parents who had adored him and his childhood sweetheart that actually worked out...

 

_ Gross. _

 

If he didn’t love them so much he would have found them highly irritating. 

 

“So… uh… about that message patronus thing...I’m sorry I got us all side tracked. I didn’t mean to be awkward. It’s sort of just…my gift. I guess.”

 

Sirius thought she had quite a lot of gifts. Her ability send forth words like sparks from a periculum charm was very endearing though, so perhaps it counted as one. 

 

“Yeah… it’s the same as the Patronus charm, before your duckling forms, you have to extend your wand arm to the side while you say the extra bit ‘Mercurius’. After you say the word you need to think first of where you want it to go and then what you want it to say. Don’t think anything else or get distracted until the duck is on it’s way or you’ll end up telling Professor Sprout about the itch on your nose or something.”

 

“I can do that. Probably. Can I practice it once I’m at home and you’ll send one back if you get mine? That sounds like a better way to go about it than when you’re right here.”

 

Sirius chided himself for not thinking of that strategy. It made a lot of sense. Marlene never failed to impress him.

 

“You’re brilliant Marlene. I’m only managing not to muck this whole thing up horribly because You. Are. Brilliant.”

 

He was acting on pure instinct when he grabbed her by her skinny little shoulders and excitedly shook her, while drawing out the words “You are brilliant.” to meet the tempo of his shakes. He still wasn’t thinking when he proceeded to kiss the top of her head, letting her spiral curls tickle his nose. Her hair smelled like cocoa butter. He let himself forget for a second, that he’d wanted to… avoid things like that. 

 

Sirius was a fairly physically demonstrative person in general. He was the hugger amongst his friends. James said it was because dogs were affectionate creatures. But however much he was like Padfoot, it didn’t mean that he should smell her hair.  He’d meant to back away from the feelings. Keep her at a distance and figure things out. He was really losing the plot here… At least she and her nice smelling hair would be back at Hogwarts soon. Though he’d really enjoyed the past month of seeing her every day, it looked like the distance would need to be forced upon him in order to get his head back screwed back on his shoulders.

 

_ I am a fucking idiot.  _

 

When he backed away he saw her face turn a very rosy shade of brown under her preponderance of freckles. She nervously avoided meeting his gaze. 

 

“Ha.. um.. Thanks?” She finally managed to stutter. 

 

“I think we can be done for today… um.. So… yeah I’ll look forward to your little ducks tonight? Like 8 o’ clock?” 

 

“8 o’ clock. Sounds good.”

 

* * *

 

“I’m so sorry about last night Sirius… I uh… clearly have a lot of thoughts in my head and it’s pretty hard to quiet them down. I can only imagine how terrifying it must have been to be accosted by a duckling speaking in 15 different versions of my voice.”

 

“Well...It was still a duck. Ducklings are rarely what you’d call terrifying. I really love that your patronus is a little duck. I can’t get over it. I’ve never seen a patronus that adorable before. Sorry. Um…”

 

“Your patronus is cute too... He looks like you.”

 

Marlene had not once mentioned Sirius’s drunkenly tipping the caldron about being an unregistered animagus. But he felt like that comment must have been made knowing full well that Padfoot did look exactly like him. At times. 

 

She was also clumsily implying that Sirius was cute in his human form, which he contended wasn’t even really accurate. He’d been called a lot of things but cute was rarely one of them. 

 

It was the true that Sirius was more often referred to as dashing or darkly handsome. A particularly silly Ravenclaw used the word ‘dreamy’ once but he didn’t know that. He just knew that he wasn’t like Marlene, personification of all that is warm and cute. Though he found himself smiling a lot more warmly when he was around her. 

 

“Well you can see him again if you want to spend your last night of summer holidays practicing this spell. Though I don’t blame you if that isn’t your idea of fun. Oh right! It’s your birthday as well. Of course you won’t want to send ducklings at me. I have something for you though. I’d meant to wrap it…sorry...”

 

He opened the drawer of the little desk in the rented room where he’d put the beautifully hand painted journal for safe keeping. The artwork was of a sunflower, and it was all in Hufflepuff colors. He handed the gift to Marlene, stepping in just a little too close to her.

 

“Happy Birthday, Little Duck.”

 

“It’s very pretty. Thank you.”

 

“It’s a very Marlene-looking flower, I thought. But the best part is inside. It’s um… a map my friends and I made when we were still at hogwarts. You’ll find it useful. Perhaps. I wrote the particulars about it in your little book. You don’t need to read it now. But I do hope you like it.”

 

“Thank you! I’m going to love it. I want to try the ducks again, though. I don’t have anything until my family party tonight anyway… and you make practicing… fun.”

 

“It’s going to be really lonely without you. I’ve been a terrible mentor all the way through but I hope now that we’re done here, you’ll still want to be friends?”

 

Friends. That was supposed to be the key word but he failed terribly at the execution. Because his heart wasn’t in it. The tension was palpable. He could deny it with words all day long but there were feelings growing stronger by the minute.

 

“Friends. Yeah. That. We should do that. I’ll write to you, if you like? I can be just as verbally clumsy in letters.”

 

“Good. I like you verbally clumsy. I’ll write too. I’m rubbish at it and never even wrote my mum when I was at Hogwarts but… on the other hand if you knew my mum you’d probably understand why. It’ll be loads easier to write to you.”

 

He caught himself just staring at her like an idiot for what must have been longer than whatever the upper acceptable time limit is for staring at someone like an idiot. He couldn’t help it. She was blushing and it was very cute. He struggled to find words to get them back to the task at hand. 

 

“So maybe it would be helpful if we could practice a bit while we’re both here and maybe I can do my best to help you clear your head. I have no idea what I’m doing, but hey what else is new?”

 

“I’m for it. And you always say that you don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re somehow always brilliant. I trust you’ll keep doing that.”

 

When Marlene said things like that, Sirius couldn’t shake the feeling that she was mistaking him for someone else. Someone better. Someone who didn’t come from a family of deeply unpleasant dark wizards… Or even someone who’d paid a little closer attention in school. But he found himself smiling despite the fear that she’d figure out how wrong she was. She thought so highly of him that he felt he had at least attempt to prove her right. 

 

“Ha. Um. I’ll try? Do you want to sit on opposite corners of the room and I’ll watch you cast and see how it goes?”

 

She nodded and headed over to the far corner of the room. Her tiny frame and short stature were more evident from a distance. When he wasn’t looking straight into her eyes and being bombarded with the light she projected, Marlene was seemed so small and fragile. Sirius knew she was tougher than she looked, but his compulsion to protect her was still there.

 

He watched as she took a deep breath in through her nose and let it out slowly through her gorgeous pouty  _ distracting _ mouth.

 

_ Stop it. Don’t look. _

 

She cast her patronus charm then fluidly moved into the mercurius. Nothing was off about her wand work, but he’d already suspected as much. 

 

The duckling walked up to Sirius, taking its time along the way, which was a fairly comical sight. It knew it was only going across the room so it was in no hurry. 

 

It let loose what sounded like a Quidditch Stadium full of voices, except they were all her voice, at different volumes.

 

The loudest one seemed to say the words “does this work?” But he could hardly decipher it, let alone anything else that the duckling might have said. 

 

“Oh wow. That’s bad. It  _ is _ sort of an accurate representation of what my brain is like, but… I don’t think it’ll be very useful at all unless someone just wanted to see a duck.”

 

He approached her. Partially because yelling across the room would be an odd thing to do, but mainly because he wanted to be close to her. He hoped all this would let up when she went back to school. If it didn’t… well… there was always to option of starting a new life in Spain. Probably more viable than offering up his stupid heart on a stupid platter of stupidity. He was really not liking the odds on that one.

 

“Well I  _ do _ get a real kick out of your duck. But I’ll see what I can do to help you get the chatter under control.”

 

He couldn’t think. Apparently all it took to render him incapable of logic and reasoning was a meter and a half of Hufflepuff who was mostly hair. 

 

It was fairly surreal and bit stomach turning to boot. 

 

But he could be disgusted with himself any old time. Right now Marlene was right in front of him looking to him for guidance on her spell work. He had to do something. 

 

“Ok so I guess we just need to practice the whole clearing your mind thing a bit on its own. I’m not sure I know the best way to go about it but… uh… yeah. You’ve clearly tried the big exhale beforehand. That isn’t doing the trick.”

 

“No kidding! What’s the done thing after that? Or am I just especially awful at this?”

 

“No you’re incredible. You’re only struggling because you think so much. Because you’re brilliant. So... Um… Yeah... Maybe some sort of sensory focus thing? I saw someone with a frozen lemon to squeeze one time. I don’t happen to keep a frozen lemon on my person at all times. But you could try that later if you want?”

 

“So the point is to focus on the lemon in my hand rather than the 457 thoughts in my head at that very moment?”

 

“Yes I think that’s the jist of it. Um…”

 

Acting on complete impulse, he grabbed her hand. 

 

_ Stupidstupidstupid _ . 

 

He wasn’t sure how it was possible that he felt his heart drop to his stomach over her tiny little hand in his. 

 

Her pulse sped up and she started to consider the possibility that she was in a dream. She may have dreamed this before. 

 

“Squeeze my hand if you like? You don’t have to cast the duckling. You can just see if it helps you focus at all. If not I can maybe read up on some other techniques?”

 

Her eyes met his and didn’t stray. She was usually pretty spotty with eye contact. Somehow with Sirius kneeling down in front of her where she sat, gripping her hand in his, she held his gaze.  

 

Then, to Sirius’s surprise, her free hand reached out to touch his shoulder. 

 

If someone would have performed Legilimency on either of the pair at that very moment, all they would hear would be a panicked “Ahhhhhh”. 

 

She was touching him and he was not stopping it. He just looked into her eyes like a hopelessly lovesick puppy.

 

_ This is terrible,  _ Sirius thought. 

 

_ This is amazing, _ thought Marlene, at the very same time.

 

They were so close. It would take nothing to close the space between them.

 

It was somewhat unclear who started it, but her lips were soft on his. She felt her whole body tense up with nerves. Her anxiety was almost as strong as her eagerness to continue kissing him. Sirius felt the world melt away for just a fraction of a second before panicking and breaking away to put as much distance between them as possible. 

 

“I’m sorry. Oh Merlin… I’m sorry Marlene I didn’t mean to do that. Um…”

 

Marlene had expected that. She was intuitive enough to know that Sirius was trying to hold back. She thought it must be because she was leaving for school. They were clearly more than a summer fling and maybe he wanted to hold off for that reason. Or maybe he was just really jumpy about starting a thing. Whatever the reason, Marlene figured it would resolve itself while they kept in touch between now and her next school holiday. 

 

“I know, I know. Bad timing. I leave for school tomorrow. I suppose we’ll um… leave it at that. For now. But you’ll write?”

 

“I’ll write.”


	3. Fall 1980

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly just fluffy silly letters that Marlene and Sirius write during her first term at Hogwarts. I had a lot of fun writing these. <3

Fall Term 1980

  
  
  


_**To my favorite duckling,** _

 

_**Life is terribly boring since you left. Now I don’t know what to do with myself. Not that I really knew what to do with myself when you were here, but the same is still true.** _

 

_**James should be returning to The Order in another few weeks. Which is probably a huge relief to whatever poor soul has to read the notes I’ve kept on the files they have me going through.** _

 

_**Did you know that we have files on pretty much everyone? Some people are just not interesting enough to fill up a file. I keep waiting to come upon someone with a really interesting criminal record or rumors of consorting with harpies or something. But it’s rarely anything good.** _

 

_**Here’s my best find from this week. Brought to you by the file we have on one Rabastan Lestrange. Mr. Lestrange was placed under arrest in the summer of 1978 for impersonating a non-corporeal entity. Apparently the sod got it in his head that it would be a great use of a Thursday evening to powder himself down and go “ooooooo” at a churchyard. His fun, alas, was cut short when the ministry was contacted. This is sort that gets chosen as The Dark Lord’s creme de la creme.** _

 

_**I hope you’re having more fun than I am this past week. I miss you terribly. It’s deeply upsetting that I’ve become the sort of wanker who writes letters that say ‘I miss you terribly’. I do hope that the sudden penchant for sentimentality will abate when you’re home.** _

 

_**-Sirius** _

* * *

 

 

**Dearest Sirius,**

 

**I heartily enjoyed your last letter. I broke out into laughter when I read your account of Mr. Lestrange’s arrest for impersonating a ghost. It did not escape notice from girls in my dorm. They have no room to judge me. Most of them are thoroughly ridiculous. I’ll bore you with the particulars because I have little else to do this evening.**

 

**Mary rolls her eyes at me every time I mention you. I think she’s jealous that no one writes her hilarious letters. She’s actually rumored to be seeing one Reginald Cattermole, who has the distinction of being the boy I dated for a whole year, in attempts to prove a point to my elder siblings. Perhaps I should have more sympathy for poor Mary. The sour look on her face might just be because she remembered they have a date coming up or something.**

 

**My friend Carolyn, another occupant of the 7th year Hufflepuff girls dormitory, has decided that she’s future Mrs. Fabian Prewett. This is all well and good excepting that Fabian Prewett has no idea that she exists. That seems to be a requirement for dear Carolyn. She has many admirers in our year, but she is not the least bit interested. Much to the sorrow and woe of one Barty Crouch Jr. of Slytherin, who pursues her relentlessly. I wonder if she’d lose interest in Mr. Prewett if he were to become aware of her. Do you know him? Perhaps you can introduce the two so she can move on to the next far-fetched love of her life.**

 

**I have a Hogsmeade visit coming up weekend after next. I mention this not because I want you to accost Carolyn with the presence of Fabian Prewett, but because I’d like to see you. I have a task I’d like your help with, but I think it would be better to discuss it in person. And since you** **_miss me terribly_ ** **and all, it shouldn’t be too painful for you to come meet me in town. Let me know if you’ll be able.**

 

**I miss you terribly too, but I’m sure you already knew that. But I’ll put it in ink to appease your newfound sappiness. I’m quite fond of this quality in you, truth be told.**

**-Your Duckling, Marlene**

* * *

 

 

_**Dearest Duckling,** _

 

_**Of course I’ll meet you in Hogsmeade! I’ll be so unbearably happy to see you that I won’t even be bothered if I see Argus Filch out on the town. You should take this as the highest form of flattery because Filch and I have a long history and none of it involved one iota of my wanting to see him anywhere. He’s really the most inconvenient person that there is. His whole job while I was in school was comprised of thwarting my efforts in having a good time. Do you ever find yourself thwarted? What is the Hufflepuff version of a good time? I’Ll bet it involves the kitchens.** _

 

_**How goes the saga of Hufflepuff dormitory? Is Carolyn still in love with Mr. F. Prewett? He’s quite dashing so I can’t fault her there. Has Mary ever stopped looking sour? Did she go on a date with the famed Reginald Cattermole?** _

 

_**I will not inquire about the particulars of that doomed love affair, but it sounds as if you were not heartbroken. I’m glad to hear that. If someone’s heart must be broken, it shan't be yours. Perhaps it’ll be mine, because I still miss you terribly and I haven’t found any cure for this incessant sentimentality. I have the day that I visit you circled on my calendar and James has made comments. I am glad that you find my being a sap endearing, because at this point it seems like it’s unlikely to abate.** _

 

_**Next Saturday at the Hogs Head. I’m counting the minutes!** _

_**-Your Sirius** _

* * *

 

  
  
  
  


It was really a wonder, Marlene thought, that Sirius still treated her like a fragile little flower. She wondered how many shades of shocked he’d be when she suggested he help her in her highly illegal endeavors to become an animagus. 

 

From the moment he’d let it slip out that he was an unregistered animagus she couldn’t shake the thought from her head. It could be extremely useful. It was a much neglected branch of transfiguration and she thought it would be good to know. And since she happened to have a… Sirius…who’d already been through the whole process it would practically be a walk in the park, surely. 

 

If he agreed to help at all. He was under no obligation. But they were… close. And Marlene thought he would be loathe to say no to her. 

 

She stood up and smiled more excitedly than a kid in a candy store when she saw him walk into The Hogs Head. 

 

He greeted her with a hug. She kissed his cheek. She wasn’t sure how that whole thing was supposed to be now. Their whole dynamic was strange since that kiss.

 

It wasn’t that it was bad or distant between them. The letters he wrote her were not even plausibility deniable as platonic. But the romantic nature of their relationship was just  _ there _ . Never acknowledged. He didn’t want to say the words. She thought she might have to wring it out of him. He was just the type to be afraid of his feelings and try to avoid them at all costs. He pretty clearly had feelings. But he wasn’t here to discuss his poorly hidden feelings. They were there to discuss to prospect of turning into a duck. 

 

The pair sat down on opposite sides of a little round table. Sirius realized he was staring and that neither of them had said anything and he tried to correct that. 

 

“Good to see you?”

 

“Thanks for coming. I’ve just… been thinking.”

 

“That’s a very dangerous activity you know. James recently told me that I ought to steer clear of it it all together to avoid wrinkles.”

 

“Very funny… I’m not particularly concerned about wrinkles. But I am concerned about war. And being able to move undetected. I’m not exactly the best at… stealth…”

 

“So you were thinking of taking classes from a muggle ninja? I saw a film with one of those one time. He was quite sneaky!”

 

“You’re really the worst. Why did I even ask you to come again?” She smiled while she disparaged him. 

 

“Because you missed my winning smile?”

 

Marlene rolled her eyes. Though there was quite a large helping of truth in his assertion, and she  _ might  _ have felt a flutter in her chest when he winked at her, he was still very irritating. Irritating and handsome. Irritatingly handsome.

 

“Uh huh. Right. Also I wanted to discuss becoming a duck.”

 

“...Beg Pardon?”

 

“That’s what I’d be. If I were to become animagus.”

 

“You… want to become… a duck animagus. And you’re asking me to help you. This… leads me to believe you will not be going to Professor McGonagall about it and doing things on the up and up.”

 

Marlene only nodded in the affirmative in response. 

 

“Gaaaah. I’m a terrible person who lead my sweet little duckling into a life of duck related crime.”

 

“You give yourself far too much credit! I have been headed for a life of crime, duck related or otherwise, for quite some time. I’d hardly have doodled  _ your  _ name all over my notebooks in 4th year if I was a stickler for the rules.”

 

“You… doodled my name on your notebooks? Why?”

 

Marlene felt her face heat up with embarrassment, but she wouldn’t let that distract her from the topic at hand. 

 

“Shut up. Are you going to help me with the potion? You’ve obviously done it all before.”

 

“You aren’t giving me much of a choice, are you? I don’t know what to make of this sudden aggressiveness. I mean… I kinda like it. But also you’re a bit scary.” 

 

“Good. I can steal all the ingredients. And obviously the mandrake leaf part is on me. But can you manage to meet me when it’s time to brew? And when I do the first transformation? Can you be sneaky or do you need ninja lessons?”

 

“I can meet you by the willow. I’ll be padfoot. Just tell me when. Better I be there than you do it alone. Besides… I’m a little excited about seeing you as a little duck.”

 

“You’d better be.”

* * *

 

_**Dearest Duckling,** _

 

_**I hope you’ve found the map useful. It’s been out of use, and I thought it would have to wait for my little godson to take up the marauders banner. You, though, have turned out to be much more of a marauder at heart than I would have thought possible for a sweet Hufflepuff duckling.** _

 

_**You’ll use the map carefully, of course when the full moon is upon us. You remember the particulars.** _

 

_**How are you doing with the mandrake leaf? I know it’s vile. Peter mucked the whole thing up 3 different times just with the mandrake step alone. But I have faith in you my little duck.** _

 

_**Work is the same as ever, though I’m glad to have James back. I’ve told him all about you, of course and he’s looking forward to meeting you over the winter hols.** _

 

_**Will I get to meet your army of Badgers? Perhaps I’d embarrass you and you’d rather avoid it. It isn’t my goal to be embarrassing. But you are very adorable when you blush so It doesn’t give me much motivation to stop.** _

 

_**I’ll see you in precisely 19 days! Not that I’m counting or anything…** _

_**-Sirius** _


	4. Winter Holiday 1980

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so much fun to write. I got a little carried away with the duck puns. Sorry not sorry...

**December 1980**

 

Sirius, having arrived at Platform 9 ¾ embarrassingly early, spotted a band of giant haired badgers arriving to wait on the Hogwarts Express. It was set to pull into the platform any minute now for the start of winter break. Sirius decided to go stand with them. It was a little uncomfortable, as his place in Marlene’s life was still a giant question mark to him, but for lack of other people to wait with, there he stood.

 

The McKinnons all knew about Sirius to greater or lesser degrees. Grace and Lucan in particular had a good laugh at Marlene’s expense when she informed them of her exceedingly close friendship with Sirius Black. They hadn’t actually believed her in the slightest. 

 

Lucan and Grace shot looks of utter shock at each other when they saw him approaching to wait with them. They were on the same page and it was a major plot twist in the saga of their baby sister and her ridiculous crush on Sirius Black. 

 

The eldest of the McKinnon siblings, Elaine, was probably the least surprised to see Sirius there. Although there was a vast 11 years between them, she was the sibling to whom Marlene had always been closest.

 

Sirius had never actually met Elaine before it was easy to spot her. The hair and light brown skin were dead giveaways as to her relation to the rest of the group. She looked more like Mr. McKinnon than the rest of her siblings, though all five Mckinnon siblings resembled both of their parents to some degree. Elaine was a whole head taller than her mother, with her father’s prominent eyebrows and freckles. The freckles made her other little similarities to Marlene stand out in Sirius’s mind. They both had their mother’s heart shaped face.

 

“You’d be Elaine McKinnon, right? We haven’t formally met but I’m Sirius. Marlene’s told me all about you and your little ones.”

 

“Elaine Bones, but yes. That’s me. It’s lovely to finally meet you.”

 

“Of course, sorry. That would mean you’re married to Edgar Bones? Somehow I missed that detail. He’s legend! Why didn’t Marlene tell me that her brother-in-law is a bad-ass Auror? Is it true that he was there when Mad Eye Moody lost his original eye?”

 

“I will neither confirm nor deny my husband’s involvement in that particular mission, but you may rest assured that he is not to be trifled with. My baby sister clearly likes you a lot. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt for that reason. If you make me regret it, I will make sure you lose more than an eye.”

 

Sirius hadn’t expected that sort of protective threat from Elaine. Upon consideration, it made sense. She was probably half a mother to Marlene because of their age difference. He found himself surprisingly intimidated by Marlene’s family. They were all utterly devoted to each other. On one hand, he was so glad that Marlene had that in her life because she deserved it. On the other hand, he felt apprehensive about the likelihood they’d deem him unsatisfactory and unworthy of Marlene’s companionship. 

 

“Wow. Your family is really challenging all my preconceived notions about Hufflepuffs. You’re a lot more terrifying than I’d expected. Marlene included. So… yeah. Don’t worry.”

 

“Good. Loyalty and work ethic doesn’t mean that we aren’t terrifying. In fact it probably makes us more so, in a certain light. We’re just less showy than the other houses. Mad Eye himself was a Hufflepuff you know!”

 

“He was? I didn’t know that. Huh. You learn something new every day. ...makes sense. You’d need a lot of work ethic to still be at it after that many maimings.”

 

He was attempting to get a count of how many body parts Mad-Eye Moody had parted with when the train came to a stop. 

 

Sirius’s puppy-like excitement was noted by all the McKinnons, though he thought he was doing his best to maintain composure. Grace and Lucan locked eyes to confirm their mutual bafflement. Gawain, who was nearer in age to Elaine than to Grace, got in on the action, mouthing “what the hell?” to his father. Subtlety was not Sirius’s strongest suit.

 

He’d hardly spotted her hair in the crowd before she started at a running pace and jumped into his arms, wrapped all her limbs around him and clung to him like a particularly excited little sloth. They could both feel 6 sets of McKinnon eyes on them but neither could bring themselves to care very much at that moment. 

 

But Marlene did eventually manage to break the embrace and go greet the rest of her group. 

 

“That was excessively dramatic, Marlene. Did you need to put on a show for every single person on the platform?” Gawain commented, critical even as he gave her a welcoming hug. 

 

He was quite similar in features to Marlene, but Gawain had the taller, lanky build that his father and Elaine shared. 

 

Marlene had often mentioned how they butted heads. The fact Gawain was there at the station to meet her spoke volumes to the loyalty and deep caring the Mckinnon family all felt for each other. 

 

“Maybe. Why? Did you notice anyone in particular not paying attention? I hope that bitter hag Mary was watching. SEE Mary! Who’s a liar now? Do you think we should do an encore, just in case?” She winked at Sirius then continued hugging her receiving line of family. 

 

“Glad you made it Lainie! Who has the twins?”

 

“I left them up on the roof. I’m sure they’re fine.”

 

“Morgana’s Wand! Aren’t they really little?” Sirius felt like he must be missing some sort of vital information here. 

 

“She’s kidding Sirius. You’ll get used to it. It’s her face. She just has that one expression. Knowing whether she’s joking or not takes a rare talent.”

 

Elaine grabbed her much shorter sister and drew her into a second hug. Sirius couldn’t help but smile, despite the fact this same woman intimidated the pants off him not half an hour prior. 

 

“Amelia has them for the afternoon. I wanted to be here for my favorite baby sister’s arrival! I’ve already threatened your boyfriend. He held up admirably.”

 

Elaine’s word choice made both Marlene and Sirius cringe. The ambiguity of their relationship was the erumpet in the room that they were pointedly ignoring. Sirius was more intent on ignoring it than Marlene, who hoped it would be subject of discussion in the next week or so. But since it hadn’t been she felt the need to correct her eldest sister whilst defending herself.

 

“Lainie! He isn’t my boyfriend… and I can take care of myself you know! Don’t be rude.”

 

“You know, he said almost the same thing. That you were terrifying and I needn’t worry.”

 

“Aw. Sirius, you think I’m terrifying? Thanks!”

 

“Mum, Dad, I gather that you’ve met Sirius. I wondered if he could join us for Christmas?”

 

“We’d love to have him, wouldn’t we?” Mrs. McKinnon looked to her husband who gestured in the affirmative. 

 

“What do you say, Sirius?” Mr. McKinnon, who was probably the least terrifying amongst them, asked. He was a warm cheerful seeming man, and it was easy to see how Marlene was like him. 

 

“Oh Merlin, wow. I hadn’t… I didn’t know I was invited?”

 

“You didn’t invite your boyfriend, who has no family of his own, to our family Christmas? Marlene I am shocked! I’m so sorry Sirius. She didn’t learn this rudeness from her father and I.”

 

Marlene’s tiny little mother was doing her best at affecting outrage. It didn’t hold up to her smile shining through, which was as wide and sunny as her daughter’s.

 

“Again… He isn’t my boyfriend… Calm down mum! It must have just slipped my mind to mention it to him before now. I had just assumed he was coming. As you already awkwardly pointed out, it isn’t as if he’ll be having Christmas dinner with his cousin and her lover-who-must-not-be-named.” 

 

“Right, and that wasn’t awkward at all Marlene.” 

 

It seemed to Sirius like Gawain was incapable of withholding his comments towards Marlene. He felt irritated on her behalf. 

 

“I mean I did tell her that one myself. And also it’s almost certainly not true. Bella just wants everyone to think it is.”

 

“WHAT?” At least 3 different McKinnon voices reacted in unison. 

 

“Oh you didn’t know? It’s my favorite anecdote about the Black family. That pretty much sums them up perfectly. So… obviously I’d be delighted to come to Christmas dinner at your home! If you’ll still have me after hearing that...”

 

Most of the McKinnons took Sirius and Marlene’s lead in laughing. It was completely absurd and in Sirius’s opinion should be laughed at. Better to laugh than to look all stern and disapproving like Gawain or deeply concerned like Grace. 

 

“So we  _ will _ be seeing some of you this break, Marlene? Because your letters did not leave me much hope. We thought you might get onto that flying whats-it-called Sirius travels on and we’d never catch a glimpse of you. That’s why we’re all here. We had to catch you while we could! Ha! Caught you!” Lucan, the younger of the two McKinnon brothers, who’d only been a year behind Sirius in school grabbed Marlene in a hug and messed up her hair. With McKinnon hair, it was hard to tell the difference. 

 

“Shut it Lucy! I just said that I might be fairly busy this holiday…”

 

“I’ll stop embarrassing you in front of your boyfriend when you stop calling me Lucy.”

 

Standing close together it was more evident that Lucan was nearly as short in stature as Mrs McKinnon and Marlene. He’d always been just as inclined to give Marlene a ribbing as Gawain, but he did it with a smile and she handed it back to him in kind. They’d had an easy and fairly close relationship since they were small. 

 

“I don’t have a boyfriend and I can't help it that your name is easy to shorten to Lucy. Take it up with mum.”

 

“Can you all stop being so mean to our sister? She already said Sirius isn’t her boyfriend 3 times. Let’s not go for 4 please. I’m glad you’re home Marls. I missed you.” 

 

Grace, who had been in Sirius’s year, had been the kind of kid who had an innate skill for coloring within the lines. If there was a natural leader amongst the siblings, it was the middle-born Mckinnon. Everyone listened to Grace, even if they rolled their eyes whilst doing so. 

 

“Aw Gracie. You’re gonna make me cry. I missed you too. How’s healer training?”

 

“It’s been… a lot. We’ll talk about it all later I’m sure.”

 

Marlene only nodded in response, but subsequently enveloped her elder sister into a hug.

 

The differences in the way Marlene interacted with each of her siblings were fun for Sirius to observe. 

 

The Mckinnons were, over all, a lovely family. Not an ugly duckling amongst them in Sirius’s eyes. 

 

_ One particularly adorable duckling. Oh right... _

 

_ “ _ Did you manage to get the potion here safely?” Sirius said in a hushed voice.

 

“I’ve got it and I’ll make excuses if a storm comes. It’s all ready. Here’s hoping I get it right and we don’t have to wait for two more moons.”

 

“Good. I’ll stay with you when you take it.”

 

“You’d better. I was hoping you’d stay with me quite a lot during this holiday. Not just when I’m attempting to be a duck.”

 

“I’ll see you every day if you want, duck or not. I’ll bring you to work. I’ll go along with your plan to rid your friend of her infatuation with Fabian Prewett. But I must say I don’t think it’ll work. Aside from his lovely hair and impressive physique, he’s exceedingly charming.”

 

“You’re making me jealous with all this gushing over the masculine beauty of Fabian Prewett. Make it up to me by staying with my parents while I’m on holiday? You can have Grace’s old room. My parents would be thrilled to have you.”

 

“Really? I didn’t know there was anyone left on earth who’d be thrilled to have  _ me _ as a houseguest. Not since James’s parents died. They were a special sort of crazy.”

 

Marlene shook her head and then called out so her parents, who were walking well ahead of them, could hear.

 

“Mum! Dad! Sirius is going to stay in Grace’s old room while I’m home for the holiday alright?”

 

“That’s great news! It’s so empty these days. It’ll be a pleasant to have some rooms occupied. All my babies are grown up.” 

 

“Thank you Mrs. McKinnon! I’m a bit taken aback by all this hospitality. Wow. Hufflepuffs…”

 

“We’re excited to get to know you, Sirius. Clearly our Marlene thinks the world of you. We tend to trust our children’s judgements. They’ve never proved us wrong there.” Mr McKinnon said with a smile. 

 

_ They trusted their children’s judgement? There are people who do that? Are Hufflepuffs even real? _

 

Sirius’s questions were rhetorical in nature, and not even uttered aloud. Yet, the family of exemplary Hufflepuffs would answer them all with their actions. 

 

Being treated with immediate and unquestioning warmth was baffling, and meant Sirius risked disappointing them and cause them to rescinded their invitation. At the same time, the open-arms welcome he received was thrilling. He could handle the few conflicting feelings in his gut because the overwhelming lot of him was bouncing with happiness at Marlene’s return for the holiday.

 

They reached the lot where Sirius left his motorbike. The McKinnons continued to the nearby floo network location but Marlene stayed behind. 

 

“So I’ll be right behind you, then. You can floo back with your family, I’ll see you soon.”

 

“I think not! There is no way you aren’t taking me for a ride on that thing. Help me on.”

 

The gleam of mischief in her dark eyes made it impossible for Sirius to deny her. She probably could have asked him to break into Gringotts and he’d do it willingly. 

 

He didn’t get like this over people. Why was this happening? Why now? He wasn’t a 2nd year with a penchant for fairy stories. He was meant to be a grown wizard who could look out for himself. But somehow he’d let this horrible thing grow out of control. On the other hand, since he couldn’t really control it, he might as well just let himself sink into it. He’d worry about how to get out later. 

 

“I missed you so much.” He whispered into her ear as he helped her onto the back of his bike.

 

* * *

The Monday after Marlene arrived for her Christmas holiday was still a work day. Sirius had to go in and help James with the series of magical maps they’d been working on for weeks. 

The Marauders Map served as an inspiration but it was hardly a template. The magic needed for this would be different and more complicated, not to mention the surveying would require way more risk than it had when they were just nosing about Hogwarts, trying to make note of every nook and cranny. 

Other than one off skirmishes, he never felt that anything he did for the Order was really aiding in the fight against Voldemort. When Dumbledore had approved it, he was eager to make a real contribution to the cause. He was gifted with magical cartography. He could have made certain maps on his own, really. But closely surveying 9 different key locations in wizarding England would be too huge a task for one person. Thankfully, James had volunteered to work with him on it. 

As he took Marlene by the hand and Apparated them to the little rented office, he was very grateful that he got to work with his best mate. Most people wouldn’t be particularly pleased with a...Marlene...tagging along. 

James, however, looked immediately thrilled to see that Sirius hadn’t come alone. 

“You must be Sirius’s girlfriend. I’m James Potter. So good to meet you finally. I’ve only heard ‘Marlene this’ and ‘Marlene that’ 50 times a day since you went back to school.”

“I’m not really his girlfriend… but I’ve heard loads about you too. Nice to meet you.”

James shot an exasperated look at his friend. They were still pretending that they weren’t stupidly in love with one another? He wanted to take his current draft of the map, roll it up, and beat Sirius about the ears with it. 

“Right. Yeah. Er, I’ve actually got to say hi and bye for now because I’m meant to meet Wormtail at the ministry today. He’s way sneakier than you’d expect for a bumbling little guy like that. Big help with the map, when I can rope him into it.”

Peter was not actually due to meet him at the ministry until after lunch, but that was a fairly benign lie of omission. James glared at Sirius again, and hoped he got the message that he needed to get on with it and make it official with this girl he’d been gushing over since August. 

“You could stay and finish your tea, Prongs. I’m sure Wormy won’t mind if you’re a hair late.”

“James shouldn’t be late on my account, Sirius. I’m sure we’ll have other opportunities to team up and take the mickey out of you before I have to go back to school.” 

Marlene was really looking forward to the things she might learn about Sirius through getting to know his oldest friend. If some of it turned out to be useful for teasing him, that was an added bonus. 

“I’m looking forward to doing just that. For now, it was lovely to meet you Marlene.”

“Likewise.” 

He gave them a cheerful wave goodbye as he stepped into the floo. 

Marlene let out a massive exhale. 

“Did I do alright? I think I’m going to like him. Just...it’s weird to have to tell people that I’m not your girlfriend every 5 minutes.”

Sirius fell back onto one of the little office’s arm chairs. Marlene was clearly frustrated with the uncertainty. She deserved better than that and he knew it. It was just so deeply unpleasant for him to confront. 

Marlene grabbed her wand out of her sleeve and moved the other chair nearer to Sirius before she sat down. 

“Yeah… I’m sorry that keeps happening… But I’m positive that James already thinks you’re fantastic. He just…has his own agenda. You know.”

“I don’t know. You’ll have have to explain.”

_ Fuck _ . Sirius felt sweat breaking out at his hairline. This was bad. Worse than he’d even known. 

_ ‘Have to explain…’  _ echoed in his head as he took in a deep breath and forced himself to start speaking.

“James was always there for me in a way my family wasn’t. I went to live with him after 5th year. He knows all the sordid details of my damage but still hopes that maybe I’ll overcome it. He knows I’ve never had a real relationship because I’m so sure I’d prove my mother right that I’m a fuck up and a disappointment.”

Sirius couldn’t even look at her. The only other time he’d ever broached the unpleasant topic, he’d been drunk and in a state after hearing of Regulus’s death. He almost felt relieved that he’d done that back then, because it meant she was somewhat aware of the grim reality of his upbringing. 

It wasn’t something he talked about if he could help it. Even with his close friends who knew about the way he’d grown up and how it has affected him to various degrees, it wasn’t a comfortable topic. There were 28 other uncomfortable elements of this particular conversation. The fact that he was willing to stand there and say these things was in itself a testament of how much Marlene meant to him.

“You know that your mother was wrong on a lot of things. In fact I can’t think of a single thing you’ve told me about her that indicates she was ever right about anything.”

She reached out to him and took his hand in hers. She was somewhat unclear even within herself if it was a comforting gesture to someone she cared for who was hurting or a rather an offering of affection to the man she was hopelessly in love with. 

“She’s horrible. Downright evil, even. Maybe she was disappointed for the wrong reasons and maybe I’m a fuck up largely because of her, but it doesn’t stop me from being a disappointing fuck up.”

Sirius laced his fingers with Marlene’s, while his eyes were still fixed on the old rug on the floor in front of him. Her hand felt so small but so warm in his. The disquieting fact was that he didn’t want to let go. He’d held her hand before. He told himself that it wasn’t a really a big deal despite the stomach turning distress it seemed to provoke. He’s heard the idiom ‘getting butterflies in your stomach’ before but he hadn’t imagined the experience to be this violent. 

“You’ve never disappointed me. You put so much heart into everything you care about. You’ve made infinitely more good decisions in your life than bad ones. That’s far from the definition of “a fuck up” that I’m familiar with.”

“It’s just… something I grapple with. Her voice is always there reminding me that I‘m rubbish. It’s stupid. I hate her and I hate talking about her.”

“I’m sorry Sirius. You don’t have to talk about her. Just know that it’s not true. Can you hear my voice telling you that you’re incredible? And that you deserve to be happy?”

He found the will to meet her eyes after that. Her little hand was still firmly in his. It was almost painful to look at her. The flood of warmth and compassion she’d released upon him was quite enough to make his chest ache. He probably would have still loved her if she looked like the lovechild of Argus Filch and a hag. But she had to make it even harder by possessing a delicate beauty that had him completely enraptured.

He really wanted to kiss her. 

“You’re always so ridiculously kind to me. It’s bizarre.”

The change in his tone of voice was a deliberate effort to reign in the intensity of all that he was feeling. He’d let himself forget that once, back on her 17th birthday. He couldn’t let that happen again. He didn’t want to lose her. They were friends. He could keep his friends. He had to cope with being in love with his friend. That was how it had to be. 

“Wow. That’s a new one. I keep a running list of reasons people tell me I’m strange, and ‘excessively kind’ hasn’t yet made an appearance.”

“Exactly how long is this list, out of curiosity? 

 

* * *

It was a little harder than Sirius had expected to get Marlene to agree to attend the Weasley’s holiday party with him. It was her first very first Holiday in the Order and all the members were invited. She had to go, Sirius declared, despite the fact her close in age siblings decided to decline the invitation in favor of being literally anywhere that wouldn’t be crawling with people and noise.

Marlene thought it would be mostly older people and little kids making lots of noise and she’d just as well stay home. Sirius admitted she was right about the demographic for the most part, but it could still be fun, he told her. His friends would be there and they weren’t old if he wasn’t. It would be an opportunity for her to get to know them.

_ Friends  _ was Sirius’s mantra for the four days she’d been back. He’d been with Marlene nearly all day every day. During that time he’d managed to keep his anguished declarations of love at bay by telling himself over and over that they were  _ friends _ . He liked spending time with her because she was his friend. He laughed at her jokes because she was funny like his friends tended to be. If he caught himself looking at the perfect curve of her lips he immediately stopped doing that because they were friends and just because he’d kissed her that once didn’t mean it was wise to do it again. They were  _ friends _ . That was enough for him. He was insanely lucky to have her in his life. Just being around her made him happy and he didn’t need anything more than that. 

Sirius contended that dragging his friend to a party was a completely normal thing to do. He probably dragged Remus to at least 10 back in their 7th year. Marlene had eventually agreed to go. She was happily anticipating getting to meet the famed Marauders and Lily, whom Sirius mentioned so often.

Marlene insisted that she required Grace’s help getting ready. She wanted to look her very best. She had hopes of getting Sirius to admit out loud that this was a date.

Sirius went back to his own flat to prepare for the party and then flew over on his motorbike to the unfamiliar London building where Grace apparently lived.

The building had seen better days but the middle McKinnons enjoyed the independence it gave them. Never mind that they still went back to mum’s to do their washing and had dinners with them at least once a week if not more often. 

Sirius dressed to the theme of the party. Arthur Weasley was obsessively interested in muggle culture and this year the invites had said that muggle attire was preferred. Sirius wasn’t as clueless about muggle fashions as most pureblood wizards. He was sure that he looked decently attractive. Never one to risk being called “humble”, he was fairly certain that he was a fairly pleasing sight just as matter of course. He looked the same as he always did.

The same could not be said for the girl who answered the door. It was a little much for Sirius to take in. She was always pretty, but he’d never seen her even attempt to look  _ sophisticated _ . The heels she was wearing added significant height where usually she was tiny.  Her hair looked like someone braided it down and re-arranged the spirals in a way that looked...intentional. “Intentional” was really saying something when it came to Marlene’s hair. It usually looked like a family of 4 could be hiding in it. Her dress was exceedingly short, which made her legs appear longer than Sirius thought they had any right to. Marlene looked drop-dead gorgeous. 

_ This is dreadful. _

A rather unconventional reaction from a young wizard with regard to an attractive witch standing in front of him. But for Sirius, it meant the ruination of his current strategy in the quest to avoid the bone-chilling concept of combining emotional and physical intimacy.

Sirius’s resolve was toast when Marlene answered her sisters door looking like she stepped out of his dreams. He found himself unable to maintain his “if you find yourself looking, stop it” philosophy. 

“Oh, I’m sorry I must have the wrong door. I was looking for Marlene. She’s this tiny Hufflepuff with huge hair? You wouldn’t happen to know which one she’s in?”

“Shut up,” she mumbled to her tall shoes. 

That was more like the awkward duckling Sirius knew. 

“Marlene... What happened to your hair? I don’t know what to say. I thought you kept your whole personality in there.”

“I got my sister to do it. She’s pretty good at braiding. It’s just that she had to put straightening potion on the parts in braids because McKinnon hair has been known to...attack… a bit.”

He took her hand and twirled her around like a ballerina in a little girls music box. She was still the same little duck. The truth was, Marlene was always beautiful. Her beauty was just more on display like this. 

“You look beautiful, little duck.”

She somehow managed to roll her eyes and blush at the very same moment. 

“You can’t call me beautiful and also a duck in the same sentence. That isn’t how it works! But you look nice too. What was the phrase I used that time?” Her gentle teasing brought a smile to Sirius’s face.

“Exceptionally Good Looking? How could you forget? I can never forget. I’m having it etched on my headstone when I kick it.”

“You’re horrible. And exceptionally good looking.”

They both laughed. Laughter came easily between them. Of course it did, he thought as they exited the building. Sirius didn’t have humorless friends. Marlene was his friend, he reminded himself for the 85th time that evening.

Except that she wasn’t. The thing between them was much more unnerving. It was incredibly obvious. He was just at a loss for what to do about it.

As soon as they were outside, a chill hit. They walked just a little ways down the pavement until they reached the spot where Sirius had parked his much loved flying motorbike. 

He worried that Marlene would be too cold. 

“Do you want me to apparate us there? You’ll be a frozen duckling in the back of my motorbike.”

“Not a chance! Can I drive? I won’t be on the back if you let me drive it...”

Sirius rolled his eyes and shook his head. He should have known she’d try that. He took off his wine-red coat and draped it over her tiny shoulders. 

“Let me help you on back then.” 

He felt at least seven very contradictory emotions as he helped her onto the seat. Marlene was so absurdly beautiful. He couldn’t pretend otherwise at the moment. Just as they took off in the air, she wrapped her thin little arms wrapped around his waist and held tight, leaning her whole upper body against him and resting her head against his back. He could almost feel her heart racing right along with his. He was in heaven. 

_ This is atrocious and I hate it. _

Perhaps he would take her out on the motorbike more often. He couldn’t be this physically close to her without a reasonable excuse. The fact that he was an idiot and totally smitten with her was not a reasonable enough excuse.

They landed on the ground and rolled up near the front of the Weasley’s home, which the family referred to as The Burrow. 

“Do you know this couple well?” Marlene asked.

“I know them a bit. They’re a good lot and exceptionally fertile. Did you know Molly’s up the duff again? She had her 6th boy less than a year ago. That poor woman.” 

“I haven’t met Molly. Probably because she’s busy with her six sons and all. Arthur seemed kind the few times I’ve met him. They’ll have a whole quidditch team with the one on the way! It’s quite kind of them to host… I guess… um… we ought to go inside.”

He felt like he was losing his balance. He didn’t have defenses strong enough to withstand the way her eyes lit up when she looked at him. Her sweet smile was breaking down walls that he had meant to keep in place. 

“Well come on then!” He opened the door and lead her inside. 

The party was in full swing by the time we walked in. The Weasley children were happily running amuck, while the crowd of adults drank wassail spiked with firewhisky. 

Marlene ran off to greet her sister Elaine who was dressed in a lovely festive red muggle dress, and had her son and daughter in a similar shade. The Boneses got top marks for muggle holiday clothing.

Sirius heard his own name shouted from a distance. He surveyed the room and saw none other than Remus Lupin heading over to greet him. He hadn’t seen hide or tail of him in  months

“My long lost Mooooony! Fancy seeing you here! I thought you’d fallen off the face of the earth.”

“It does feel that way sometimes... But it’s good to see you now mate.”

The two old friends embraced. Sirius was always the hugger of the group and everyone had just sort of accepted it, even though Remus on his own was not particularly affectionate. 

“I’m really sorry I couldn’t be there after the horribleness with your brother. I wanted to be here. Really.”

In truth Sirius had been upset about Remus’s failure to show face in that instance. He was sick of the secrecy surrounding whatever mission Remus had been assigned and it made him feel distant from his once very close friend. But he wouldn’t hold a grudge. He was happy to see him and didn’t want to focus on any of the worries brewing inside him for tonight. Tonight was meant to be fun.

“Yeah. Er. Well. You’re here now. How’s Molly’s baking?”

“It’s good. You should have some of the chocolate pie, but I’m more interested in hearing about the stunner you arrived with? Who is she? I don’t recognize her. Since when the walking definition of ‘fear of attachment’ have a girlfriend?”

“She’s the youngest McKinnon. Marlene. And she isn’t my girlfriend. Exactly…”

“Not exactly? Right I’m sure she’s wearing that excessively short dress for her own enjoyment. Totally not because her boyfriend brought her on a date to this party.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“No one is on a date. It’s just a dress. Maybe she didn’t have anything else that fit the theme. She won’t be wearing it long.”

“Thought you said it wasn’t a date!” He winked. He’d spent too much of his youth around James Potter to pass up that golden opportunity for innuendo.

“Oh come on, you know I didn’t mean it like that. That came out wrong.”

Sirius spotted Peter’s familiar face in the crowd. Sirius hoped that pulling him in would take the focus off his not-really-date. 

“Peter! Wormy! Get over here!”

“Padfoot. Moony. Good to see you both in one place. It’s been ages.”

Though he’d been one of the four Marauders back at Hogwarts, he was a friend in the same way that people say their pets are part of their family. Sirius felt a bit guilty about not reaching out more. On the other hand, he had no idea what they’d even talk about. 

“Yeah I guess we’ve done a pretty poor job of getting together, we aged Marauders.” Remus replied.

“Speak for yourself Moony. I’m not aged. I’m just as young and dashing as ever.”

With that, Marlene made her way over with Lily Potter in tow. 

“What’s that about young and dashing?” Marlene interjected as she took Sirius’s arm.

“Sirius you’ve been hiding this little gem from us! You are so greedy sometimes.”

“Hah… er… so. I guess you two met. Remus, Peter, this is Marlene McKinnon, she was the witch I mentored this past August and we became fast friends.”

“Is that what you’ve become?” James interjected as he found his way to his wife’s side.

“Happy Christmas guys. I brought you all tins of biscuits.” Peter mumbled uncomfortably. 

Sirius thought he’d never gotten used to female company, even still. Poor Wormtail wasn’t exactly dripping in people skills. He was probably itching to make excuses now that Marlene and Lily were there.

“Thanks Wormy. Now I feel like a rubbish friend because I didn’t bring anything, I didn’t know we were doing that this year.”

“Yeah...er...don’t worry about it.” 

Peter Pettigrew’s eyes darted nervously around the room. He wasn’t surprised. No one had time to spare the slightest thought for him anymore. It all started with Lily Evans coming in and ruining his friendships and now she went and had a baby. James was even more preoccupied. And Remus was off doing who knows what in who knows where because he refused to tell anyone. Now Sirius had this blasted McKinnon girl. How was she even special at all?

He’d thought with James busy maybe Sirius would reach out to him and they’d finally get a chance to bond one on one, marauder to marauder. But instead Marlene McKinnon had shown up and just as usual he’d been forgotten. 

He felt less and less included since they left Hogwarts. It was hardly even worth volunteering with The Order for friends who hardly cared that he existed. He had no idea why he even came to this stupid party. 

“I’m… uh… gonna go get another drink. I’ll catch up with you all later.” He mumbled as he made an exit. He headed for the drink table but then kept going and sneaked out the side door, leaving the party early. 

Sirius looked to Remus who shrugged. Typical Wormtail. 

“So...Prongsie...Where’s Harry?” Sirius asked.

“He’s here. Just upstairs. He and the littlest Weasley boy were knackered. Looks like the rest of the beasties are going full force though.”

“I work with actual beasts and I must say none of them are as loud as this hoard of children.” Lily noted the group of red headed boys, with the Bones twins right in the thick of it, looking like they were having the time of their lives. 

“You work with animals, Lily? That’s so neat. Have you ever gotten to hold a unicorn foal? It’s kind of a life goal of mine to at least pet a unicorn foal.”

Marlene was immediately embarrassed by her earnestly excited reaction to the young witch who worked with animals. She worried Lily would think she was weird or dumb and her unicorn obsession would embarrass Sirius.

Of course these fears were entirely unwarranted. At that very moment Lily was bursting with excitement over the fact Sirius had fallen for such a sweet witch and that he’d actually brought her out to meet them. Sirius wasn’t embarrassed in the least. He would have also really liked to pet a unicorn foal, truth be told. 

“Oh my goodness you are so sweet. Where have you been all my life Marlene? If I ever get to work with a unicorn foal I promise I’ll let you know. I trained as a medi-witch but decided to focus on healing pets and other magical creatures. The patients are a lot cuter, you see. Give a lot less lip.”

“That’s brilliant! Your little boy can grow up around all sorts of magical creatures. I always wanted a kneazle but my annoying brother Gawain is allergic.” 

“Really, a kneazle? You strike me as more of a dog person.” James pointed out to everyone’s amusement. 

Sirius was unsurprised to see Marlene getting on with his friends. It was really impossible to dislike this little sunflower. Her smile lit up a room. She was bloody perfect. He found himself wishing there were something wrong with her or she looked like a troll. That would uncomplicate things, at least. 

Marlene realized that she was holding an empty champagne glass. She'd been distracted by all the socializing and had forgotten that she wanted to try the firewhisky wassail next, as it was her first holiday as an of age witch and she thought it seemed like the thing to do. 

“Sirius, come with me, I’m gonna get another drink.”

Sirius started following Marlene to the kitchen, but then turned back to his friends to poke fun at them a bit more.

“You lot should be ashamed of yourselves! Poor Marlene needs another drink to tolerate you.” 

“Shut it you.” 

The teasing gleam in Marlene’s eyes might have knocked Sirius off his feet. He tried to collect himself but there she was in her short dress and tall shoes, with one spiral curl having liberated itself from under the braided sections of hair. 

His hand reached toward it without his brain’s permission. He tucked the stray curl back it into place and tried hard to act like that was a normal thing for him to do.

“I knew it couldn’t stay contained. I told you. You have your whole personality in there. No braids or pins are going to be able to contend with all that.”

“Do you think they liked me alright? They all seem great. I hope I didn’t embarrass you too bad. 

“It looks like they like you a lot. Lily especially. You aren’t embarrassing, little Duck. They’re a bit embarrassing but it’s entirely intentional for them. It’s one of their favorite pastimes.”

Marlene said nothing in response, but instead pointedly looked above her head and brought to Sirius’s attention the fact they were standing under mistletoe, which was conspicuously hanging above the stove.

Neither of them had sought it out, but it found them anyway. And Marlene certainly wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity when she saw one. 

Sirius’s attempt to deflect with a gentle kiss to Marlene’s forehead was not well received. 

“Well you should be embarrassed. That was unacceptable and I demand a real kiss.”

He had difficulty finding words with her looking up at him with her thick-lashed dark brown eyes begging him to kiss her. The want visible in her eyes was dizzying to him. It should have been easy to give in. But he couldn’t erase his entire history and every self preservation instinct that had grown from it. 

“Marlene, I can’t. It’s… complicated.”

“But you could. You have.”

“I shouldn’t have.”

“Is this all because of what you told be the other day at your office? I want to help you understand how wrong that voice in your head is, but maybe I’m not enough. Is there something else that I did wrong? Or if you genuinely don’t want to kiss me because you just don’t care for me that way, then I would like to know so I can work on… getting over it…or something.”

Sirius couldn’t bear it any longer. He closed the space between them and kissed her. He felt her startle and then melt into him.  It was gentle and sweet to start, intensifying gradually as her soft lips parted and welcomed his tongue. Her hands slid up the back of his neck and into his wavy hair. The kiss grew into something primal and urgent. Hunger and desperation flowed through them like a current. 

He pushed all his fears and trepidations as far away as he could for that moment and channeled all the emotions that he’d tried so hard not to feel into the kiss. He resigned himself that he had to do something with all these feelings or he was going to spontaneously combust. He’d never kissed anyone with that sort of profound intimacy before. When he broke away she leaned on the kitchen counter so as to keep herself from falling. 

“My family really did a number on me. The more I let myself care the more I risk losing. I’m terrified. All the time.”

“It might not be the same, but I’m terrified too. There’s a war on. Everyone we know and love is at risk. It’s scares me so much I can hardly breathe. But I still want to go on living. Can we please go on living?”

“I am living. Or I thought I was. I never had a problem with any of this until you came in with all your hair and sunshine and…”

“My hair? What is it that you actually want, Sirius? My hair and I can leave you alone if you really think you’d be happier without me.”

He felt physically ill. Panic. Cold Sweat. He had hoped to put this off until some sort of moment of clarity came. The answer should have been easy. It wasn’t. But Marlene deserved an answer. She was waiting for an answer while he stood there coming unhinged. 

The thought of being without her seemed anything but happy. He couldn’t do it.

It dawned on him that it made little difference how hard he tried to deny his feelings if they were still there. He’d be distraught if he lost Marlene. That was true whether he named horrific emotion out loud or not. 

_ I’ll say the thing and then perhaps I’ll be sick. But I’ll say it.  _

He took a breath and spoke. 

“I wouldn’t. I’d be miserable. I’m a mess but I’m a mess who loves you. Please stay with me?”

Marlene’s exasperated laugh was not the reaction she’d meant to have to hearing those words. It wasn’t the kindest response to what had obviously been very hard for Sirius to verbalize. She didn’t want to laugh at the difficulties brought on by his childhood trauma, but in that moment it all sort of came out like an alien creature who was not familiar with human behavior around the concept of emotion, but was nonetheless really trying. It was a little absurd in that way. But it was also very sweet. 

“I’m no longer at any risk of running off to start a new life in Spain. You’ll work through the mess. I’ll be here to help. Because I love you too. If you can kiss me under the mistletoe in the meantime, that’d be… much appreciated.”

“Just under the mistletoe? That’s fairly rigid parameters.”

“Oh so now you want blanket permission to kiss me?” She teased.

“Mmhmm. I managed to say the word without even a modicum of vomiting so now I’d like to commence with the kissing. Your freckles especially. Kissing all of them would be a challenge. I love a challenge.”

“By all means. If you look closely you’ll see I have several freckles on my lips. You should start with those.”

He did just that. 

He heard the kitchen door open and realized they weren’t alone.

“Still not your girlfriend then, Padfoot?” Remus interrupted rudely.

“Ok fine Moony. You have it right. Let me correct myself. Remus Lupin, this is my girlfriend Marlene. Now can you please bugger off?”

“James Potter owes me 5 galleons!”

* * *

 

 

There came a point that evening where Sirius noticed Marlene looked a bit unsteady on her high heeled feet. He tried to take a mental tally on how many different drinks he’d seen her with over the course of the evening. He didn’t remember. He’d been preoccupied. 

 

“Err… Marlene? Did you have more to drink? Or more to the point how much more?”

“Oh ya know. A few? I just… wanted to try them all?”

“So you tried every variety of alcoholic beverage that was offered? Oh no…”

“I think I like the purple one best. It’s like berry syrup! But the green one was just awful. Like if you took licorice and cursed it with sadness.”

“... I am so sorry. I should have warned you to stay away from the wormwood wine. That stuff is strong and you weigh like 3 stone.”

“I weigh nearly 7 stone thankyouverymuch. I’m just fine. I would like it if the floor would stop moving but I know it must have its reasons.”

“Well then...I guess I need to get you home, my little duck. You’re completely inebriated. Will your mum be angry?”

“No she won’t be upset. Take me home and put me to bed? She might be a bit miffed if you got in with me but I wouldn’t mind…”

She pulled him into a kiss that Sirius was far too sober to continue in full view of at least 15 Order members and one persistent red headed boy who refused to go to bed. 

“Marlene you taste like a distillery. I’ll do no such thing.”

“You taste like a Gryffindor. All honor and chivalry. Really irritating.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Hold on tight my little duck.” 

He scooped all nearly 7 stone of her into his arms and apparated them both back to the McKinnon family home. He’d have to come back for the motorbike. Getting Marlene home and safe in bed was the more immediate priority.

Marlene blinked and somehow they had arrived at her door. She noticed that she wasn’t even on her feet own anymore. Sirius had carried her. In his arms. She liked these arms. 

“Arms. You have them.”

He set her down very carefully where she was being supported by the wall. She realized she was actually quite likely to fall over so this was thoughtful of him. 

“Ok my little duck. I just want to put you in your bed safely, alright? I can get you some water or whatever you need. I… don’t want you to get hurt or feel sick or confused or anything. You might not remember any of this. So...I’m gonna open this door and get you inside safe ok little duck?”

“You should probably kiss me again before you open that door.”

“Should I?” 

“Please?”

“Well since you asked nicely and everything…”

With his lips on hers she felt like she was floating. She  _ was _ being picked up again and had also soaked her brain in a variety of adult beverages. So it wasn’t too much of a stretch. 

_ Sirius Black is kissing ME! Ahhhhhhhhh! _

Marlene heard voices that were neither her own nor Sirius’s. 

“Well well… look what the cat dragged in. If it isn’t our baby sister and that Gryffindor tosser she’s obsessed with.”

“Shut it Lucy! Marlene?”

“Oh hey. Um. What are you two doing here?”

“I can’t lie. It’s mostly because we’re nosy and wanted to interrogate Marlene when she came home.”

“I don’t think now’s going to be a good time for that…”

“Haaaappy Christmaaaaasss!”

“Oh no… Drunk baby sister. Sirius?”

“She had this mad idea that she should try one of everything. I just need to make sure she’s safe and everything. I’ll put her down and get her some water and a potion. Grace, can you come show me her room?”

Grace McKinnon spent 7 years in classes with Sirius and had come away with the distinct impression that he was an egotistical arse. She’d expressed this to her sister Marlene many times but Marlene never listened to anyone about anything so she had to stand by and wait for the heartbreak. She felt it was inevitable after she realized they actually were a thing. But the wizard who showed up carrying her baby sister and expressing concerns for her safety didn’t seem so bad. Maybe he’d grown up? Maybe he just… really liked Marlene. 

_ Weird. _

“Erm. Yeah. Follow me. You’re nicer than I remember. Good for Marlene.”

“Good for meeeeeee.”

Grace lead Sirius up 2 sets of stairs to what had once been an attic but was now Marlene’s bedroom. She was still not entirely clear on what had transpired between her sister and her former classmate earlier in the evening but she found herself hoping that Marlene got him to talk to her and make things official. It was obvious this wizard, however much of a knob he was in school, was good to Marlene. If he wanted to take advantage of her or was only using her to cure his boredom, this is not how he would have behaved. Grace’s 3 years of healer training meant she’d seen enough people passing through that she’d learned things along the way about human nature. As she watched him carefully put Marlene in bed and tell her goodnight, Grace felt sure this knob was in love with her sister. She went ahead downstairs to report her findings to her equally nosy brother Lucan.

“Ok my little duck, I’m gonna put you down now. I’m going to put a bottle of water beside you ok? You’re gonna feel not so great in the morning. There’ll be a potion right by the water. It’ll help. I’ll um… I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Marlene tried to form words but nothing came out. 

_ Morgana’s wand, was he always this gorgeous? Why was he in my bedroom? What. _

She felt his lips against her forehead. Her eyes must have closed somehow. 

_ Was this real? _

“Goodnight my little duck. I love you.”

 

* * *

  
  


Sirius knew it was going to make for a memorable Christmas from the first stormcloud he spotted in the sky that morning. 

 

“Shit.”

 

“What do you mean ‘shit’? It’s finally going to storm and I’ll be able to do the final step! You wanted me to have to go on chanting like a crazy person at sunup and sundown for the rest of eternity?”

 

“That sounds preferable to ducking out of your family’s Christmas party.”

 

“...did you just make a duck pun?”

 

The smile on his face confirmed the intentional nature of his wordplay. It’s a good thing Marlene was the sort of person who appreciates duck puns. 

 

Sirius found it unfailingly cute that she had to stand on her toes to kiss him. He also enjoyed that her diminutive size made her conveniently portable. He picked her up with no effort whatsoever and brought her over to the sofa in the parlor of her family’s home. 

 

He was just about to resume kissing her when Lucan, Grace and a witch Sirius didn’t recognize burst into the room.

 

“Oh.. um. Hello?”

 

Lucan made a performative gesture to indicate his disgust for his youngest sister’s displays of affection. 

 

“Missy! Lovely to see you! Ummm, I suppose you haven’t met Sirius?”

 

“What is all this? I had no idea you were seeing anyone. I missed this bit of McKinnon family gossip. I don’t know how… Grace, you never tell me anything.”

 

“You know that I don’t like to be a gossip. Sorry I forgot to mention it though, my love. Sirius was in my year at Hogwarts.” Grace addresses the witch who Sirius gleaned was called Missy with a gentle sort of affection. 

 

“Sirius Black, this is Grace’s girlfriend Artemisia DuPont.” Lucan helpfully chimed in.

 

He stood up and shook hands with Missy. He was already fairly certain he didn’t recognize her from Hogwarts, but the moment she opened her mouth he’d decided she’d most likely attended Beauxbatons. 

 

He was correct. Grace met Missy the summer after 7th year, which she spent in France. 

 

“Thank you for that intro-DUCK-tion, Lucan”

 

He decided that he was going to get as many duck puns in as possible. Keep a tally. That was the universe’s Christmas gift to Sirius. 

 

“It’s lovely to meet you. I didn’t know that Grace had a girlfriend, so apparently both of us were kept out of the loop.” Sirius continued

 

“Honestly, what good are any of you? I have to do the dirty work for everyone. So everyone be aware that Gawain will be arriving with Wendy shortly. Gwendolyn Babbidge. She’s the one who looks like she just bit into a lemon. Don’t be alarmed. It’s just her face. You didn’t hear it from me, but I think he’s gonna pop the question imminently.” 

 

Lucan fancied himself the most up to date on the personal lives of his family, and rolled his eyes at Grace’s aversion to gossip, knowing that deep down she was as nosy as he was, she just hid it under 30 layers of politeness. 

 

“He is? What do they even talk about? Both of them hate everything and she can hardly even hate the same things that he does. Do they take turns, you think?” Marlene mused.

 

“Why can’t they hate the same things together? That sounds like Gawain’s idea of a good time.” Sirius inquired.

 

“She’s a squib. She works with cameras that take these eerie pictures where everyone is still as a statue, frozen in time.” 

 

Lucan tended not only to talk with his hands, but rather with his whole body. He gave a great performance, illustrating the unsettling feeling that muggle photographs left him with. 

 

“His point is that she basically lives half her life in another world entirely and the other half with Gawain.” Grace interjected. 

 

“Not my bag, but it’s her life! Good luck to him with the proposal, I guess…” Marlene trailed off. 

 

Sirius noted that the McKinnons were just as susceptible to clashes of personality and inter-family conflict as anyone else. It’s just that they did all that without also being vile people. They weren’t perfect but it didn’t seem like anyone would get an unforgivable hurled at them over the holiday turkey. The lack of perfection made Sirius feel more at ease. 

 

“Also attending this evening's festivities; the two of you, plus our brother-in-law Edgar rounds out the tally of non-McKinnons at our Christmas this year. I mean I guess Calliope and Cassius are little Boneslings if you want to be technical, but they’re related to us.”

 

While Elaine was married to one of the most impressive aurors of the age, he had to have been around 15 years her senior. That might have raised a few eyebrows. Gawain was about to propose to a squib muggle-photographer, and the only commentary was on their shared love of hating things. Grace chose a French  _ witch _ and that wouldn’t have gone over well in some families. Maybe Marlene deciding on a cast off from a family of dark wizards would be too dull to comment on. They didn’t seem to scare easily. 

  
  


“So you’re the only one without a date Lucy-loo?” Marlene teased. 

 

“I’m enjoying bachelorhood thank-you-very-much. Not everyone wants to tie themselves down. And certainly not everyone wants to get caught in flagrante delicto in mum’s parlor, _Marlene_ _Elfrida_.”

 

“There was no inflagrate-ing of any delictos! That would be terrible con-DUCKt...But more importantly… Elfrida? Wow.” Sirius made a face in Marlene’s direction in reaction to her middle name. She gave him a playful push in retaliation. 

 

“He didn’t even know your middle name? Marlene you have turned into such a harlot this year! I’m telling mum.”

 

“And I’ll tell her I’d be more willing to tell people my middle name if she hadn’t chosen  _ Elfrida. _ Therefor, my wanton ways are all her fault.”

 

“Grace, what’s your middle name?” Missy interjected. 

 

Grace was a harlot, by Lucan’s standards, as well. Every image that conjured was entirely contrary to Grace McKinnon: Mummy’s Golden Child. Though Mrs. McKinnon had always said she loved all her children the same, it was widely agreed that Grace was her favorite _.  _ Grace was the easiest to parent. She was soft spoken and naturally responsible. 

 

Sirius never considered her dating anyone before that very moment. Then it dawned on him that perhaps she hadn’t dated at Hogwarts because the pool was quite small if she was only interested in other witches. He hadn’t known she was so inclined. Her choice of girlfriend didn’t seem to be controversial in any way. Marlene, by the looks of it, liked her. So Sirius would too. 

 

“It’s Anne.” Grace answered. 

 

At that point everyone was in stitches. The McKinnon parents had a very eclectic approach to naming their offspring. Sirius found it oddly refreshing. It was one more thing that proved they were nothing like the Blacks. Maybe they’d decide to keep him around after all.

 

It was a few hours into the full swing of Christmas festivities before the first hint of thunder rang out from the clouds. 

 

Marlene grabbed his hand and squeezed hard. 

 

Marlene and Sirius happened to be attempting polite conversation with Gwendolyn Babidge (who Sirius thought should definitely say yes to Gawain’s proposal. She’d be hard pressed to find someone more similarly boring.)  and Mr. McKinnon when this happened. 

 

Sirius jumped a little at the squeeze just as Marlene started mumbling out excuses.

 

“Uh… so.. I needed to show Sirius a thing. Um. We’ll be back later.”

 

She kept his firmly in hers while she turned on a heel and lead him up the stairs at a run. 

 

Their abrupt exit did not escape notice, nor commentary. Gawain always had something to say. At least on Christmas, with a few drinks in him, his comments were in better humor. He was in a merry mood with the engagement ring burning a hole in his pocket. He didn’t have it in him to be annoyed with Marlene. Still, he had to remark upon the absurdity. 

 

“Well that’s just excessive. Couldn’t they have waited until we finished ‘God Rest Ye, Merry Hippogriffs’?”

 

“Don’t give our baby sister such a hard time. She’s just 17 and newly in love. I’m sure they just went to find some mistletoe…” Elaine’s defense sounded a bit half hearted. 

 

Marlene, for her part, didn’t stopping to take any of it in. She dragged Sirius into the family’s small library then quickly locked the door behind them. The little vial of difficult-to-brew potion shined caught the light and shined red. 

 

“Well here we go. Good luck my little duck. Don’t get sick. We’ll have to start all over if you do. And half your family probably thinks we came up here for a quickie, so I’d prefer we were at least successful in our ducking out endeavor.”

 

“Ducking. Out. You’ve been enjoying these duck puns far too much.” 

 

“If I can't make puns about your becoming a duck then there is just no point in living. Bottoms up, little duck!”

 

She drew her wand to her heart and said the animagus incantation one final time. 

 

“ _ Amato Animo Animato Animagus _ ”

 

Immediately after uttering the spell, she swallowed down the potion all in one go. Admirable. It was quite disgusting. Sirius knew that well enough. 

 

Then, without incident or injury, there was a duck, standing right where Marlene had been. Where she still was. Except now as a tiny golden-brown juvenile mallard hen. 

 

Sirius knelt down to look at her closely. 

 

“Aw look at you! Your little fuzz feathers are the color of your hair. You did it little duck! In fact you’ve taken to it like… a duck to water.”

 

He wasn’t sure if a duckling was capable of rolling its eyes. He thought might have imagined it. 

 

“High five?”

 

He offered out a hand the duck tapped it with one of her little wings. 

 

It took him a concerted effort to maintain his composure. There were several directions his gushing could go. How proud he was of Marlene. That was no small bit of magic and she pulled it off in just a few months! Or he could have just freaked out about how damned cute she was as a little duck and asked to pet her fuzzy feathered head. 

 

But before he could say another word there was a knock at the door. A tiny quack escaped from Marlene’s bill. 

 

_ Oh Merlin’s bollocks… _

 

“Coming.”

 

He popped out of the room and shut the door behind him at lightning speed. At least this way the McKinnons would see that he was fully clothed, and know there was no tryst going on in the library. 

 

“Sirius. Hi. Um. Is my sister in there? You should come back. Both of you. You’re already due for a merciless ribbing and I don’t want this to live on in infamy. I know what that’s like. Ask me about how I met Edgar’s mum another day…”

 

“Uh… thanks Elaine. Yeah. Errr…Marlene was just feeling a little off and we were just talking. Promise it’s nothing untoward.”

 

He could hear Marlene quacking from behind the door.

 

_ Bloody hell be quiet little duck! _

 

“Uh huh. With the door locked. Save it Sirius, I was young once too. Just get back in there. ...wait what’s that noise?”

 

He faked a cough to cover up Marlene’s quacking. 

 

“I think maybe we’re coming down with something. Really. Marlene was feeling off. I’ll head down but she may ask me to make her excuses. Let me see.”

 

“Let me talk to her. I’ve got pepper-up in my handbag. She’ll be fine.”

 

“Uhh… yeah..”

 

The quacking became frantic. Poor Marlene was probably desperately attempting to get back into human shape but getting too anxious. Sirius thought her quack sounded anxious, if quacks can convey emotion.

 

“Wait! Elaine. I think that’s actually a great idea. I’ll come down with you and we’ll get that pepper up from your handbag. I’m sure Marlene will be much better for it.”

 

“Ok… we can do that. You’re… an odd duck Sirius Black.”

 

He tried and failed to hold in his laugh at Elaine’s unknowing contribution to the evening of duck humor. They headed down the stairs as he tried to formulate a plan.

 

“Perhaps. But it means a lot that you included me. You’re all so kind. Even if Badgers are Scary.”

 

An earnest emotional display might distract her from how strangely Sirius was acting. If not he had other diversions he could create.

 

“Mrs. McKinnon! We were just going to get some pepper up. Marlene was feeling a little off. She’s in the library having a sit. Um… I was just telling Elaine how kind you all were to in-DUCKt me into your family like this.”

 

Marlene wasn’t even around to groan at his duck puns anymore. Sirius was doing this entirely for his own benefit. He’d made a vow take all opportunities at duck puns and tally it up at the end. Was this wise? It was not. But it was exactly what Sirius Black did.

 

“Are you ok Sirius? Are you getting ill as well?”

 

He sweating buckets in addition to acting mad as a hatter. But he felt that as long as they were focusing on him and his strange behavior, it would mean they weren’t likely to go up and find Marlene to have been replaced by a juvenile mallard hen with a propensity towards rolling her little duck eyes.

 

“You know, I think I am? But my first priority is Marlene. And uh… looks like Elaine found that pepper-up. ...Has anyone told you that you look just like a young Celestina Warbeck? You are stunning, Mrs. McKinnon.”

 

He’d already knocked over the cauldron as far as acting like a normal human being so he figured that he might as well act ridiculous in a manner that would be both memorable and flattering? Better to tell his girlfriend’s mum she’s a stunner than to tell her that he may have contributed in transfiguring her youngest child into an aquatic bird. 

 

“Did you let Lucan make your punch? Someone should’ve warned you...Poor dear…”

 

By this point Elaine was back from rummaging through her belongings for the pepper-up potion, which she seemed to have found. Sirius had managed, during that time, to attract the attention of at least half of the people present. 

 

A high pitched quack followed by a terrible clunking noise from upstairs caught  _ his  _ attention. He felt fairly certain that was a sign that Marlene was human shaped again. He hoped she hadn’t hurt herself in the process. Poor little duck. 

 

“Ok then. Now that all our ducks are in a row, I’m gonna bring this up to Marlene! See ya Mrs. McKinnon!”

 

“I’m going with him. Marlene might’ve drunk some sort of prank of Lucan's, like you said. It can’t be worse than the  _ incident _ with the poorly brewed veritaserum. She’s probably just embarrassed. I’ll fix her up.”

 

“Haha...yeah…that’s a clever deDUCKtion… perhaps it was something like that. Clearly it was meant for me… and I should talk to Lucan. I love a good prank. We should be friends. And I’ll need to hear about this veritaserum incident as well, it sounds like a riveting tale.”

 

Sirius rambled as he lead Elaine and I up the stairs. His mind was full of images of Marlene with every possible configuration of broken bones and some that probably were not possible. If she was hurt it was all his fault. He should have found a way to stay with her… 

 

Elaine was the one to open the door. Marlene seemed to be all in one piece, sitting on the loveseat at the back of the library, with her head in her hands as if she had a slight headache.

 

“Oh hey. Um. Sorry. I was feeling off and I got really dizzy and I think I knocked my head a bit. But I’m uh… better now? Mostly.”

 

“Dammit. Lucan needs to stop testing his pranks on family members before he’s got them working properly. It’s one thing if he wants to make you croak like a frog or something, but if it just makes you ill and prone to head injury, that’s no fun for anyone. Though, Sirius has been acting all loopy and that’s been a  _ little _ bit of fun, perhaps.”

 

Elaine appeared to really buy this excuse. Lucan would deny it (because it wasn’t actually true) but Sirius silently thanked the stars that he was gifted with a convenient scapegoat for their strange behavior that evening. In addition to the duck puns, which he thought were gift enough. It was really a very lucky Christmas.

 

“I’m glad someone was having fun. Are you ok Marlene? Really?”

 

“I’m really ok. Better than ok! I’m fantastic. Let’s go back downstairs. Have I missed God Rest Ye Merry Hippogriffs? I hope we can do it as a round!”

 

Elaine lead the way out, and waved an arm signaling the young couple to hurry up. 

 

“Merry Christmas. You’re an incredible witch, Marlene. And beautiful. It’s good to see you back in your own body.”

 

“Am I se-DUCK-tive?”

 

“How long have you been waiting to use that one?”

 

She shrugged and smiled her sunbeam smile.

 

“Happy Christmas.”

  
  
  
  


 


	5. Spring Term 1981

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So obviously I really enjoy writing silly humor and romance, but the timeline of this fic is fast encroaching on very tragic canon events. This is, of course, a canon-divergent fic, but I will be keeping most of the height of the 1st war in line with how it's presented in canon. That said, I don't want to suddenly turn the story into angst-fic. If you are here for the duck related humor, never fear, there will be more of that.

**Spring 1981**

  
  
  
  


**Dearest Sirius,**

**I’ve only been back at school for two weeks but I feel the sting of your absence more acutely than before. I guess that’s what I get for twisting your wand to kiss me. It’s a bit like if you’d never tasted treacle tart because you lived in some sort of desolate wasteland entirely devoid of treacle tart. Except you went on holiday to the land of treacle tart and now that you’re back home you feel a terrible void in the pit of your stomach where the treacle tart should be. I hope you enjoy that metaphor because now I find myself not only unkissed but hungry as well.**

 

**This reminds me, I have not yet told you of my most recent scrape with your very favorite person, Argus Filch. You have noted before that the key to a Hufflepuff having a good time is the kitchens. I was proving you right by enlisting the elves to bake gillyweed brownies, both for the personal enjoyment of myself and my dorm mates, and for attempting to share with unsuspecting professors. Sounds like a good use of a Saturday, right? It would have been if not for one serious flaw in my plans. The Hogwarts Elves are happy to prepare whatever I ask for and with whatever ingredients I provide, but they are the absolute worst at keeping it under wraps. So of course when Filch was lurking about, looking for fun to ruin, he smelled something suspicious in the kitchens and when he inquired of course those big eared baked good providing twits up and told him it was for me.**

 

**Luckily I get to serve my detention with Professor Sprout. She wasn’t even mad that I nicked her gillyweed. And I don’t mind helping her tend to her plants. The only real downside is the 6th year Ravenclaw who serves detention with me. Gilderoy Lockhart.  He’s in detention for carving out his own name in 20 foot letters on the Quidditch pitch and then sending up an image of his own face into the sky. That tells you just about all there is to know about Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart. Nonetheless, it’s a distraction from how much I miss you.**

 

**Do you think it would warrant sneaking into Hogwarts as Padfoot just to satisfy my overwhelming desire to kiss you again (and again and again…)? If you don’t I may get into even more trouble and I’ll break your record for most detentions in a single term. I know you hate to be shown up.**

 

**I love you more than is rational or good for my health.**

**-Your Devoted Duck, otherwise known as**

**Marlene Elfrida McKinnon**

* * *

 

  
  


_**Dearest Duckling-** _

_**Your last letter shows a reckless disregard for the rules. I can’t even pretend I’m not impressed. And a little turned on.** _

 

_**I’m terribly sorry that you found yourself thwarted by the most Esteemed and Noble Caretaker, His Royal Filchness. Perhaps he would have benefited from your gillyweed brownies most of all, if you’d been generous enough to share with the likes of him. I wonder if argus Filch has ever had a fun time in his life.** _

 

_**Mr. Gilderoy Lockhart of Ravenclaw House sounds like a lively character. At least you haven’t been stuck with someone boring? Though I can imagine hearing him drone on about his own reflection would get tedious after the hilarity of it wore off. Is this the same poncey kid who sent himself 800 valentine’s back in my 7th Year? The name sounds familiar and I can imagine that kid progressing to gimmicks involving his own face in the sky.** _

 

_**Though I am loathe to be the cause of your expulsion, I find it impossible to say no to my little duck, I think I can probably manage to meet you by the willow like before, This coming Thursday after curfew. This time with less brewing difficult potions and more kissing. Use the map.** _

 

_**I love you more than Filch loves his cat,** _

_**-Your Sirius** _

  
  
  


* * *

 

 

_ Lord Voldemort extends his hand to all those  _ _ of magical blood _ _. Our most noble lord would prefer that this year be the start of a reign of wizard-kind over lesser beings. For this to be achieved, we must stop the needless spilling of Magical blood. For this reason, The Dark Lord is willing to embrace any wizard who swears loyalty to Him now. You will be forgiven for all past indiscretions and all former quarrels will be forgotten. If any wizard is unwilling to take this most gracious offer then the consequences will be dire for not only them, but for their entire family, from eldest maiden aunt to newborn babe. It is our most sincere wish that this year will be the start of a new era. We look forward to your vows of allegiance in the week to come. _

 

* * *

 

  
  


The group gathered round the Potter’s dining table was substantial enough to make the room feel small, even though it was maybe a third or less of our numbers. Rumors of a spy had been growing for weeks and every meeting no matter how big or small involved everyone looking around and wondering  if the spy was there. Distrust permeated The Order like  the brewing of a corrosive poison. 

 

It was worth noting that all four Marauders were present. That hadn’t happened since the New Year. Things between Sirius and Remus had been uncomfortable. Sirius felt the sting of distrust from his friend. It was an old wound. He was used to not being trusted. It was part of being a Black. Some part of him felt it was penance. The punishment he endured for the mistakes he’d made while he crawled out of the deep hole his family had left him in. Some of those mistakes directly involved Remus. Maybe he deserved that distrust. It still hurt. 

 

He didn’t operate on an entirely rational level, and knew it. He felt like a horrible hypocrite, because he had his own doubts, or at least lingering questions, about Remus’s missions with the werewolves. Trust was hard to come by these days. 

 

Also present while Dumbledore read out Voldemort’s edict, was the Longbottom couple, who Sirius didn’t know well enough to trust or suspect. 

 

The young couple, who were both aurors but also parents of a very young son, looked petrified with fear all the time, but kept the particulars of their suspicions and fears close to their chests, because really, it could be anyone. 

 

Arthur Weasley was there with his younger brother-in-laws, the Prewetts, none of whom rang suspicious to Sirius in any way. There wasn’t a wizard on earth who loved Muggles more than Arthur  Weasley. Popular opinion held that he was a little bit of a nutter but almost certainly not a spy. 

 

Mad-Eye Moody and his protégé Edgar Bones were in attendance and Sirius would have parted with his own eyeball sooner than suspect either of them were working as hard as they did for both the Aurors and the Order just to turn around and spy for Voldemort. For one thing there’s only so much time in the day. 

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see Minerva McGonagall and her tartan robes. She always seemed to understand what he was thinking. It had been deeply irritating when he was in school. It was a comfort now, to know that someone who actually knew what she was doing in this world had his back a bit. She’d been the first person to give him the benefit of the doubt and welcome him into Gryffindor House, while everyone looked on in shock. For Sirius, you didn’t get more trustworthy than Minerva McGonagall. 

 

Three McKinnon siblings rounded out their numbers, with only Elaine and Marlene missing due to school and childcare respectively. Sirius’s personal feelings about them as a family clouded his judgement there and he knew it. He couldn’t bear the thought of any of them betraying The Order. So he wouldn’t think of it. Instead he would think of how big of an idiot Lucius Malfoy was. Loudly. And in colorful language. 

 

“Can you believe this tripe? This wanker, Lucius Malfoy,  thinks he’s so brilliant and all powerful because Voldemort lets him write his letters. You know he’s married to a cousin of mine? So by his own logic, he’ll need to off himself because  _ I’m _ telling the Dark Lord to go get fucked.”

  
  


“It doesn’t make a ton of sense, but since when does evil make sense?” Remus sounded more despondent than angry. Sirius preferred angry. Anger at least had hope of getting something done. 

 

James, at least, seemed as angry as Sirius was, even if he wasn’t the one throwing around expletives. They could count on James. Sirius could trust James. 

 

Then there was Peter over on the opposite end of the table looking like he might be sick at any moment. His reaction would always be fear. It was just how he operated. But at least Sirius felt could trust in that. Peter Pettigrew would continue to be a rather unimpressive and cowardly soldier, but surely, no one that cowardly could have it in them to spy. 

 

“Whether the logic is sound or not, we have to draw up a response, and that’s why we’re here. It’s important that we stand together and defy him. The whole lot of us signing one letter of refusal will serve our purpose a lot better than you, Sirius Black, personally issuing an insult at the most dangerous Dark Wizard alive.”

 

Dumbledore must have had some sort of subtle magic that he used to make his voice very loud and attention-grabbing. Or maybe he just took elocution lessons or something. Sirius hadn’t asked about the particulars but he knew for sure that his voice didn’t do that. 

 

“I suppose that’s fair. He really should go get fucked though.”

 

“Isn’t he fucking your cousin, mate?” Peter mumbled under his breath. 

 

Sirius rolled his eyes, but was secretly a little glad someone had managed to keep a bit of their sense of humor through all this.

 

“That’s enough! Draw up your bloody letter and we’ll sign it and carry on. He can’t have expected any of us to turn coat at this point, so it was a purely political move. Probably at Malfoy’s behest. He’s the politician amongst the cronies. Albus, will you be writing the letter or am I going to have to do it myself?”

 

Mad-Eye Moody had clearly not been to elocution lessons. He was, however, abjectly terrifying. Nearly everyone present felt very grateful at that moment that he was on their side. The guy could have put someone in St. Mungos for a week with just a look. 

 

A politician, he was not. But Mad-Eye knew that as well as any of us and was only threatening to write the letter so Dumbledore would get things moving. It was quite effective. 

 

“I will not be authoring our response myself and neither shall you Alastor. Edgar? You’re the most senior member here from an old wizarding family. I trust you remember how to work a quill. Get to work.”

 

Dumbledore had James bring Edgar Bones a quill and paper in short order. If Edgar had any thoughts or feelings about Dumbledore’s order, he kept it to himself. He started drafting the collective response of The Order of the Phoenix to the edict issued by Voldemort. 

 

While he was doing so, Peter got even twitchier than was usual for him (which was no small feat) and mumbled something about his watch going off and his mother as he left the meeting before it’s finish. 

 

Sirius has personally encountered old lady Pettigrew and found it unsurprising that Peter feared her. She was only a little softer around the edges than Mad-Eye. 

 

The rest just sort of waited around while Edgar concentrated on putting the right words together on parchment.

 

Looking around at everyone, in that moment, Sirius noticed how tired everyone looked. Most of this group were still in their 20s, but no one had even a drop of youthful energy left in them. 

 

Remus, in particular, looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. Sirius wondered what he’d been doing at night and why he hadn’t confided in his friends. But he caught himself going down that road and tried to keep his thoughts from turning on one of his oldest friends. 

 

After everyone present signed the scroll, Dumbledore took it to collect the signatures that he thought were vital to drive the point home. He’d find Dorcas Meadows and Hestia Jones. Andromeda Tonks if possible. The names that all Voldemort’s followers would recognize as purebloods thumbing their noses at their edict.

 

* * *

 

  
  


**Dearest Sirius,**

**Your last letter sounded really bleak. I’m sorry that I’m not there to bear the brunt of this war with you. I wish I’d left school early. I know it sounds nonsensical, because I’ve always gotten high marks, but I feel like it’s all so pointless when the world looks like it does. What does it matter if I get a transfiguration NEWT when we’re on the brink of a full on death eater takeover? I’ve come this far though and it’s only a few more months.**

 

**Which reminds me, I’ll have Easter week off as per usual and I wondered if I could come stay with you? I’d much prefer it that way. Staying at school is an option of course, and I could stay with my mum and dad. I just thought after last holiday it would be nice to have some time together where we aren’t interrupted by my various family members every 5 minutes. We weren’t really alone together at any point during that visit. Was that intentional? You’ll let me know what you think about my staying with you. I’m only about a meter and a half tall, thus I don’t take up much space. The only thing is that my hair has been known to attack.**

 

**Carolyn is still waxing lyrical about Mr. F. Prewett, despite your generously arranging for the pair to be at the same place at the same time. Now she refuses to shut up about how shiny his hair is up close. It is rather shiny. Much shinier than her fervent admirer, Barty Crouch Jr. His hair is not shiny in the least. He’s actually sort of creepy. I know his dad is the head of MLE and all, but he seems to be coming unhinged. He should probably join a drama troupe or something and get the attention that he clearly craves. Whatever he does, I hope it involves staying away from my friend. I put my best effort into dissuading his continued pestering just recently. This effort earned me a week of detentions.**

 

**Sometimes I think Professor McGonagall gives me detention just because she enjoys my company. I wish she would just ask me to tea or something. I’m feeling very persecuted. I’ve never once been caught in a broom cupboard tryst or the like (because you didn’t know that I existed when you were in school. Tragic). I’ve hardly ever blown anything up. Yet I’ve gotten 4 separate weeks of detentions with Professor McGonagall for various offenses this year. Then another 2 with Sprout. All I did this time was make Crouch grow bright pink hair out of his ears and nose if he got within 3 meters of Carolyn. Which inevitably he did. It was actually a fun bit of magic and I think McGonagall was secretly a little impressed. She asked after you yesterday. She said that you probably could benefit from a Hufflepuff in your life. I decided to take that as a compliment. She clearly has a soft spot for you. It’s sweet and all but could you please tell your other girlfriend to stop giving me these unjust detentions?**

 

**I miss you. If you were here I’d drag you to a broom cupboard and earn a 7th week of detentions.**

 

**I love you more than Gilderoy Lockhart loves Gilderoy Lockhart,**

**-Your Marlene**

* * *

 

_**Dearest Duckling-** _

 

_**As far as your Easter holiday is concerned, you know that I’d never say no. I’ve already started a countdown that caused james to make a face. He’s probably just jealous because his life is consumed with changing nappies and being a responsible adult and I get to be young and in love.** _

 

_**I’ve spoken to Minerva about her subjecting you to All these detentions. You appear to be correct that she’s enjoying your time together. She says we are well matched and she approves but that if we should ever have a child that she’s retiring from the teaching profession.** _

 

_**Would our hypothetical offspring be a puppy or a duckling? Perhaps something in between? Would that be a niffler? That sounds about right. Nifflers can really cause a ruckus and perhaps Minerva would be right to avoid being subjected to that. Of course this is all assuming that you’d even want to have my nifflers. (That’s a sentence I never envisioned myself writing.)** _

 

_**On a graver note, I heard just yesterday about the disappearance of Gawain’s Fiancée and I felt sick. Edgar is clearly doing all he can, but it angers me that magical Law Enforcement refuses to devote any resources to investigating the disappearance of a squib. I told Gawain that I was willing to help in any way that I could. You might remind him that I genuinely mean that. I’m not above going on a mission that was not expressly assigned by Dumbledore. Your family is the biggest lot of Badgers I’ve ever encountered and i love them. Even Gawain.** _

 

_**I need to get back to work, James is giving me a look.** _

 

_**I love you and miss you to an undignified degree,** _

_**Sirius** _

 

* * *

 

Though she was staying with Sirius for her spring holiday, Marlene had decided to ask her eldest sister to pick her up so they could have a visit before she got distracted with Sirius and whatever might await her in the following week. She hadn’t told Elaine any of this, but she figured that she would. She came to Elaine for advice on private matters more often than she did Grace, who was too perfect to relate to, or their mum who was… mum. 

 

“Lanie I’m in love.” Marlene spoke in monotone to the ceiling, while sitting opposite her eldest sister on a sofa in her sister’s home. 

 

“Right. Yes. I heard that you’re staying with Sirius this holiday.”

 

“Who told you?”

 

“Who  _ didn’t _ tell me is the easier question to answer. Everyone talks, Marls. Lucan was the first on the scene. Then Edgar told me Sirius looked a suspiciously happy at the last meeting and that lead him to inquire . Grace even spoke with me about it, and you know she isn’t a gossip. She was  _ concerned _ .”

 

Marlene rolled her eyes. Of course her siblings had a network of spies. That's the way the McKinnons operated. Grace’s continued concern was particularly egregious to Marlene 

 

“Grace is always  _ concerned. _ She should have been the eldest. She’s such a mother hen… and Edgar keeps tabs?”

 

“Edgar has eyes everywhere. Edgar knows all and sees all and will hex the life out of anyone who hurts his littlest sister. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!” 

 

Elaine collapsed into laughter at Mad-Eye Moody’s catch phrase. Over time Edgar had taken up a lot of Mad-Eye’s sayings. They were as close as father and son, thus Mad-Eye was a constant in the Bones family’s life. Though she loved him dearly, Elaine wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to laugh at him. That was more of a Mckinnon family trait.

 

“You see… this is why I don’t go around telling people Edgar Bones is my brother in law.”

 

“Not because you’re ashamed of his grey beard? Because he thinks it makes him look old. I think it’s rather sexy.”

 

Marlene very secretly thought it was sweet that her sister and brother-in-law were still so obviously in love after 10 years together. Edgar was getting quite long in the tooth though. He’d been no spring chicken, 36 years old and already a well respected auror, when he met 19 year old Elaine. They were married before Marlene had even started at Hogwarts. 

 

“He is old. And you’re gross.” 

 

“Are you the only one who gets to be gross?”

 

“Well in my case Sirius is actually very attractive. I mean you’ve seen him. It’s scientific fact! And I’m in love with him. And it’s weird.”

 

She didn’t quite know how to bring up the burning questions in her head. Discussing sex with her sister was always going to be awkward, even if Elaine was the lesser of the awkward evils.

 

“Ok you had me until that last part. It’s weird? I thought you were talking about your boyfriend, not some sort of disease. You just made a face like it was… germy.”

 

“Not germy. Just a little scary. It’s getting pretty intense, and tonight might be quite a… momentous occasion... since I’m staying there and all…”

 

“You’ve slept with him before, surely?” Elaine looked confused.

 

Marlene was also a bit confused as to why her sister thought so. Elaine knew very well that her one and only sexual encounter ended (before it really even began) in vomiting, and that she was in no rush to attempt that again. In fact it had been the straw that broke the camel's back in her ill-fated relationship with Reginald Cattermole.

 

“Nope. Well. Not like that.”

 

“Please elaborate. I need to know if I owe Grace money or not.”

 

Marlene made an irritated noise. She could have gone her whole life without telling anyone about the night in question. And it didn’t quell her irritation one bit that her sisters had a running bet on the matter. 

 

“Lainie, I didn’t tell anyone about it at the time and you can’t tell a soul. It was back in August when he got the news that you-know-who had his brother murdered. He left almost immediately but I went by to check on him and…”

 

“You grief-shagged Sirius Black?”

 

“No! It wasn’t like that.”

 

“What was it like, exactly?”

 

“I went by to check and see that he was ok and ask if there was anyone he wanted me to contact for him. He was already really sad and drunk when I got there. I just wanted to help. Or at least just show him that he didn’t have to bear it alone. He tries to bear everything alone. Still does.”

 

“Ah, the classic male fear of talking about feelings. Annoying. It’s why I couldn’t stomach wizards my own age. Edgar was past that by the time we met.”

  
“Right, because Edgar is ancient… But anyway, back to this past summer, Sirius got increasingly drunk throughout the evening and told me he liked my freckles because they were like confetti thrown in celebration of my face. I brought him to his bed and he asked me to stay and I did but there was no grief-shagging.”

 

“Was there any other sort of shagging? Because… the freckles thing. That’s a pretty good line.”

 

“None whatsoever. I just slept there. The whole relationship thus far has been a complete dirth of any sort of shagging.”

 

“Wow. I need to reorient my concept of the world. I was pretty sure you guys had been at it since August. And then in over Christmas…You guys were glued at the hip. So… uhh... Did you get contraceptive potion? I’m sure Grace would be better at brewing it, but that would involve talking to Grace about this so… I can go over it with you, or even get some from the potioneer if you’re too embarrassed.”

 

“I’ve been on it since January. Twins run in the family and all…” 

 

“Are you saying that my beautiful children could be used as an advertisement for contraceptive potion?” She asked in a pointedly irritated tone.

 

“Not at all! I love the twins. I just.. You know…”

 

“Kidding… though if they’d earn us a few galleons, I’d encourage it. Those hellions need to start pulling their own weight round here.”

 

Marlene laughed. Elaine could say just about anything with a stoney serious face and it was unfailingly hilarious. 

 

“Do you think I’ll get sick? I’m worried I’m… allergic…to the act… or something.” 

 

Marlene’s face contorted into something between a cringe and a disgusted gag. Elaine thought she looked like she’d bitten right into a lemon.

 

“You’re not allergic to sexual intercouse Marlene. You’re being ridiculous.”

 

She cringed at her sister's use of very technical terminology. It reminded her of when Grace gave her the talk before 1st year. All those scientific labeled images were scarred into her brain forever. 

 

“Well there was that time!” Marlene reminded.

 

“You weren’t into that guy. It was as plain as day. You know what else is as plain as day? How disgustingly in love you and Sirius are. It’ll be fine.”

 

“I really hope so…Thanks Lainie. Have I mentioned today that I’m really glad you’re my sister?”

 

“You might have but I’m happy for you to do so again.”

 

Elaine pulled her baby sister into a tight hug. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Marlene’s deep brown eyes were wider than usual, and fixed on the ceiling of Sirius’s bedroom. She needed a moment to find her bearings. Sirius, on the other hand, was completely focused on Marlene. He rolled onto his side and started playing absentmindedly with one of her curls. 

 

“Are you alright, little duck? Was that… ok? Did it… hurt, or anything?”

 

Marlene did not yet have a firm hold on use of language. Her face cycled through roughly 20 different emotions while she attempted to form a reply. Sirius was trying not to laugh. But she was really cute and it took a lot of effort.

 

“I’m… definitely alright. Is it… meant to be like that? Every time? Wow.”

 

“Well if you want to try something else we will. There aren’t any hard and fast rules about what it’s meant to be or anything.”

 

“No. Nononono… I just meant… It was a lot better than I was expecting. Now I don’t know how I’ll ever do anything else… can we go again?” She smiled mischievously.

 

“Soon. But you were expecting that I’d be terrible in bed? I am  _ wounded _ .” 

 

He gestured dramatically as if he had been stabbed in the heart. She started giggling. She felt unusually giggly. He interrupted her giggles with a sweet kiss. She could feel him smiling through it. She always loved that. She always loved  _ him.  _

 

“I didn’t think  _ you’d  _ be bad. I just thought I might get sick or something. I could have been allergic to shagging…that was not a problem.”

 

“Well I’m awfully glad there was no allergic reaction…but you suspected you’d get sick? Why?”

 

Marlene realized she hadn’t told him the embarrassing tale of her sort of first time. From now on she’d count this as her first time. This was much less… nauseating. And much more loving and sweet. She didn’t think she could fall anymore in love with him than she already was, but somehow she kept proving herself wrong. 

 

_ Sweet Merlin is he gorgeous.  _

 

She got distracted for a moment, as she had a real tendency to do, even when she wasn’t in bed with the extremely handsome extremely naked wizard she’d dreamed about for an embarrassingly long time. But after a moment she remembered that she had to explain this disgusting and awkward thing she’d blurted out.

 

“Well the one time before, the one I said I wasn’t sure if it counted or not, the reason it came to an abrupt end as soon as it began is because I got sick.”

 

Sirius couldn’t help but laugh, and Marlene followed suit. That was something they could manage to do in almost every scenario, and apparently this was no different. 

 

“Wow. You really do not paint a flattering image of this Cattermole fellow. I guess I should be glad he didn’t set some sort of extremely high standard for me, but, you got sick? That’s awful!”

 

“Yeah. It was pretty awful. But this wasn’t like that. This was… intense. There was a moment that I thought I might cry. Would you laugh at me if I started crying in bed?”

 

“Maybe. But I’d make it up to you.”

 

She only rolled her eyes in response. 

 

Sirius wasn’t the best at talking about his feelings, but he had them in droves when it came to Marlene. He didn’t know how to say it because it was weird and he hated talking about things but he was just as floored with the experience as Marlene had been. He didn’t know that the feelings would make it more enjoyable. In fact he’d worried they’d make it less so, with all the fear and panic that still lurked in the background every step of the way. But that didn’t end up being the case at all. 

 

He thought maybe he was getting to a place where things could be pleasant. He pulled Marlene into his arms and held her close. This was actually very pleasant. He could get used to this.

 

“I do know what you mean. Not that I’m going to cry… but it was… there are so many feelings and it wouldn’t be entirely irrational to leak some of them out of your face. I have no idea what to do with all these feelings. It’s… strange.”

 

“You’re strange.” She teased. 

 

“You love me.”

He started trailing loving kisses down her neck again. This was going to become addictive, she could tell.

 

“Guilty.” She replied before meeting his mouth with her own.

  
  


* * *

**My Dearest Padfoot,**

 

**I’ll cut right to the chase without a even drop of shame: I think we should move in together when I finish out NEWTs in June. I could move into your current flat if you think that suits. I’d also be happy to look for another place if you’d prefer or of course, if you don’t find the idea of sharing a residence with me, you could tell me to get fucked. The problem with that is that getting fucked is just what brought this on. I’d really like to do as much of that as possible as often as possible and I’m sure the opportunities would be harder to come by if I’m still living with my mum and dad. So really this is all your fault. Let me know how you’d like to proceed.**

 

**My dorm mates have all been increasingly annoyed with my recent mood swings. I suppose I’m the only one to blame for that. Sometimes I’m just so happy I could burst but then I’ll find myself crying in my bed at night because I miss you. I guess this is all a little conspicuous and my fellow 7th year Hufflepuffs have more than reason enough to think I’m being dramatic. I would roll my eyes at me if I were them.**

 

**I imagine my sister Grace is crying in her bed at night as well. Though her reasons are more weighty than mine. Her girlfriend Missy, who you will remember from our family Christmas (otherwise known day of the many duck puns), has returned to France. They had a big fight over it I’m told. Missy felt, after Wendy’s disappearance, it was getting too unsafe here, and wanted Grace to come with her to France. Grace refused to leave because she’s committed to the fight and will be a certified Healer in only a month. She felt The Order needs her.**

 

**I don’t know what to make of anything anymore. Grace and Gawain are both suffering in their own ways. I feel guilty for being so happy. I wish we lived in a better world where I could fully enjoy being young and in love.**

 

**That said, I still enjoy it a great deal and I miss you so much I could scream. I can’t wait to see you (naked) again.**

 

**It should go without saying that if you show this letter to anyone I’ll hex your hair off. Don’t make me do that Sirius. I love your hair.**

 

**I love you more than YOU love your hair, and that is truly saying something.**

**-Your Marlene**

  
  


* * *

 

It wasn’t the first time Sirius read a Prophet article about the murder of someone he knew. It never got easier to see the words there in cold unfeeling ink. 

 

“Bones Family Slaughtered”

 

It talked about Edgar’s career as an Auror and about the 7 Death Eaters dead on the scene. But it didn’t mention the twins’ little smiles on Christmas when they saw their train set. It didn’t mention that Elaine was more than just someone’s wife. 

 

Marlene was meant to take NEWTs in 3 weeks. Now she could hardly sleep for fear of the nightmares. Images that she’d never really seen haunted her. Often they were of her little niece and nephews lifeless bodies, or her sister and brother in law fighting and killing but being overpowered, and the Dark Mark over their home. Voldemort killed them to send a message. He killed babies just to send a message...

 

Sirius brought Marlene back to his flat after the last of the guests left the memorial held at her family home. She was exhausted with grief and needed to get away from the thick of it. Seeing her parents in that state was too hard. 

 

She was intent on going back to Hogwarts the following Monday. She felt that she had to see it through, and besides that wanted to focus on just about anything other than the pain of grieving. 

 

“Are you going to go back home later on? Do you want me to bring you on the bike?”

 

“Will you let me drive?”

 

That was Marlene’s way of saying that she wanted to stay. She’d always wanted to drive the bike, but Sirius had yet to teach her how. She was sure he wouldn’t agree to it tonight of all nights. Someday though, she’d drive that thing. 

 

“You don’t know how to to drive.”

 

“How hard could it be?” 

 

Marlene shrugged casually, to which Sirius replied by rolling his eyes. He knew that underneath all that hair and sweet disposition she was just as much of a rebel as he was, but it didn’t change his overwhelming compulsion to protect her. He didn’t want her taking risks. He felt that letting her take any risks now, when she was hurting so much, would be especially unwise. 

 

“You aren’t driving.”

 

“Ok then I guess I’m staying.”

 

“What’s the plan when you finish out NEWTs?”

 

“You can teach me to drive your motorbike.”

 

“...no… and also I meant to ask if you’d still like to move in here? I’d not blame you if you changed your mind after all this.”

 

“I haven’t changed my mind.”

 

Sirius felt a rush of relief pass through him. He chided himself for the selfishness, but everything seemed more urgent now, with the war getting worse and the loss of the Elaine and her family. He didn’t want to waste time that he could be spending with Marlene. It was harder to say goodbye to her every time she returned to school. He was glad this was the last time for a long time. He may have cringed only 3 years ago when James and Lily had started their life together straight out of school. “When you know, you know” hadn’t made any sense to him at the time. But now he’d gone and proven James right. He wouldn’t remind him of that of course… He still had some amount of pride left.

 

“I’m glad you haven’t changed your mind, little duck.”

 

“Well, when I live here I’ll have plenty of opportunities to wear you down about the bike.”

 

He knew she was deflecting from discussing anything serious. It was too painful to talk about the loss her family was grieving and the pain of watching her parents like that. She’d go on about the motorbike almost as if things were normal, but her voice had lost the sunny quality it once held. Sirius wanted to help her desperately. He had no idea what he was doing, but he’d felt that way since they day they’d met and it didn’t stop him from falling so in love with her that it was painful to see her like this. He’d do his best . 

 

“I want to be here for you. You know that right? You’ve been listening to my… stuff… for nearly a year now and I can listen too you know. I worry about you going back to school. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.”

 

“I’m not alone.”

 

She leaned her whole body into him and wrapped her thin arms around his shoulders. He kissed the top of her head, before picking her up and bringing her to bed. 

 


	6. Summer 1981

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have reached the point of canon divergence!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we’ve reached the point of canon divergence! The tone is getting a little more tragic, but don’t fear, there will be more duck humor to come.

Summer 1981

 

Order meetings grew more difficult to stomach with each passing week. The news was never good. They were losing the war.

Heavily pregnant Molly Weasley looked like she'd seen a dementor as she listened to Dumbledore recounting the murders of her younger brothers, Gideon and Fabian Prewett.

Dumbledore stood tall and stone faced while he confirmed the Order's suspicion that Voldemort was targeting the families who signed the refusal to submit to Voldemort's decree. The recent murders of the Boneses and the Prewetts made it appear that he was going down the list of signatures in the order they were signed and killing off only the pure blood families to make a point.

Dumbledore hadn't planned any new missions in months. The best they could do was stand their ground and try to stay alive. There was an oblique but potentially relevant prophecy that Dumbledore talked to a select few members about but Sirius was not one of them.

He watched as the surviving members filed out. Every one of these people had felt loss. They were uniformly drained; both physically and emotionally. There was no clear picture of what the future would look like, if they lived to see it.

James and Lily had been asked to stay behind but James caught Sirius before he left.

"Meet us at Godric's Hollow after. Marlene can come as well."

Sirius nodded and then left them to their meeting.

He caught up to Marlene and took her hand in his. His impulse was to maintain physical contact with her as much as possible. It felt as if she might disappear if he didn't hold on.

Generally that sort of anxiety would suggest paranoia and an unhealthy attachment. With the world like it was, however, it wasn't an unreasonable worry. Either of them could be the next target. He hoped… if the the Death Eaters came after them, they'd come after them together. The most terrifying thing about falling in love was the possibility that he would have to live without her.

They'd only known each other for a year. She'd moved in last month, after managing to complete her 7th year despite the tragic loss she was coping with.

Despite the newness of it all, he'd have rather parted with his wand arm than with her. She was the bright spot in a dark world. He wanted to protect her… if only it were that simple.

"James asked us to meet him at Godric's Hollow. Is that alright with you?"

"Sure. It'll be good to see little Harry. His smile with the 4 little teeth is too much. I love that kid."

"He's just about the only one left smiling these days. But you're right. His 4 tooth grin is contagious. He's a good egg."

Once the four of them settled in James and Lily's sitting room, with 11 month old Harry on the floor playing with some various blocks and toys, James started in with an explanation of what a Dumbledore had told them.

"There's some sort of prophecy that seems to point to the wizard who has the power to defeat Voldemort. And Dumbledore thinks he might go after those who it could pertain to. Preemptively."

James's voice was lifeless and his words were clipped. Staring blankly at nothing, his mind seemed far away. He looked like a shade of the optimistic young man he'd been at his wedding, just over two years prior.

"And you're one of them?"

"No. Harry. Harry and the little Longbottom boy."

Both young couples turned their focus to Harry where he played on the floor. He didn't look like the rival of a dark lord. He had only just learned to walk last month. Sirius hardly knew how to process the news James had given him.

"He's going after babies?"

"He already has. My niece and nephew were just babies. That didn't stop him." Marlene reminded.

"You're right. Nothing's going to stop him. Does Dumbledore have some sort of plan?"

"He wants us to go into hiding. A Fidelius. We'll need a secret keeper…"

"I'm too obvious a choice."

"Who then?"

"I could do it." Marlene volunteered.

"No." Sirius quickly realized his rapid knee jerk reaction sounded unkind. The thought of Marlene in any extra danger made him irrational. He took a breath and laced his fingers with hers as he attempted to correct himself.

"I know you'd do it little duck, and I know you just want to help. I jusy think it would be better if they chose someone that no one would think of."

"Well I'm hardly going to put my son's life in the hands of Mundungus Fletcher." Frustration bled into James's voice. His jaw was clenched tight and he wrung his hands. There was only so far that his natural tendency toward optimistic tenacity could carry him. The prophecy was James's limit. He felt the future he'd imagined slipping through his impuissant fingers.

"Peter. He's loyal to James, but otherwise fairly weak and talentless. No one would suspect." Sirius let the words fall out from him just as the idea dawned on him.

He didn't think of the rat animagus very often since they'd left school. Even back then, they were the least close amongst the four Marauders. He had nothing resembling ill-will towards Peter. He wasn't a bad sort. Sirius just considered him to be less than stimulating company.

He'd found it tiresome that Peter couldn't really keep up. He was neither as bright, nor as proficient with magic as the rest of the group. James on the other hand was patient with Peter's weaknesses. James was kinder and better than Sirius in so many ways. Sirius was drawn to people who had something to teach him. James Potter had taught him that goodness was a choice he could make. He still had so much to learn from his closest friend. He never had a thing to learn from Peter.

It was his mediocrity that made him perfect as a secret keeper that no one would suspect. His loyalty to James was, of course, the most important thing but Sirius. Peter had to have been eternally grateful to James for his efforts in including him.

"We could ask him I suppose. It's not a bad idea." Lily replied.

She knew that the fidgety little friend of her husband was someone he trusted, so she did as well. Peter never got comfortable around Lily and he was always James's friend rather than hers, unlike Sirius who'd become a genuine friend to her as well. Vastly different also from Remus who had been her friend before she could even stand to be in a room with James Potter.

She thought it was probably just a matter of shyness. He'd had the benefit of sharing a dorm with the three male Gryffindors for years before he ever even attempted small talk with Lily. He wasn't brash or outgoing like James. He wasn't naturally charming like Sirius. He wasn't even studious like Remus. Peter had a much more difficult time socializing outside of that group. So she didn't think it was all that unusual that he hadn't become close with her at any point. She was sure that they had no cause for enmity between them, so it had to have been something like that.

"We should keep this to ourselves. Probably best if everyone assumes it's me. Even Remus."

Sirius hadn't even voiced his worries directly to James before that moment. It was a painful subject. Suspecting his close friend made him feel sick, but he  _ really  _ hated himself for his own role in pushing Remus away.

The shrieking shack incident was a shining example of everything wrong inside Sirius. Snape had all the qualities that Sirius hated in his own family. He was a contemptible, hate-filled little snake who thought he was  _ so clever  _ for suspecting that Remus was a werewolf that he had to use it as a weapon against Sirius in one of their numerous unpleasant hallway exchanges. Sirius still thought that the anger he felt towards him was entirely justified. It was unconscionable that he let that anger take hold of him to the point that he'd impulsively divulged information that his friend had entrusted him with. He was blind with rage and didn't consider the possible repercussions until the damage was done.

"Even Remus?" The tone of James's questioning echo gave the clear impression that he was uneasy about the implications.

If Remus was betraying them for the sake of protection from the pack of werewolves, it was likely that Sirius had sewn the seeds himself. As a werewolf, he would never really be safe. The fact that someone who was supposed to be a trusted friend could have earned him a death sentence may have made him leary of trusting anyone outside other werewolves. It wasn't even unreasonable.

So Sirius went on hating himself, and put words together that would put the topic to rest.

"I don't… it's hard to trust anyone. I hope that my worries about his whole mission… thing…are unwarranted. I just don't want to risk it when your son's life is in danger."

"I suppose you're right." Lily sounded so resigned.

"Lily, if there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. I can't imagine what you're going through. But I know you're Sirius's family… and that means I want to do anything I can to make this whole thing easier on you. Do you think Harry'd like a kitten? Our neighbors have a half-kneazle litter to find homes for. I'm also a decent cook and I could bring you all a meal if that sounds ok?"

Lily was visibly taken aback by the flood of offers to help. James signaled for Sirius to follow him into the kitchen for a word. Sirius didn't know what it was about but went on ahead.

"Problem?"

"Are you going to ask her to marry you or what? Because she's… you won't do better mate. Harry could use a Godmum…"

Sirius exhaled in relief. It wasn't more bad news. It was only James being James. It was encouraging that he still had traces of the friend Sirius had treasured since they were 11. He was still an optimist and a ridiculous romantic somewhere deep at his core.

Normally, Sirius would have come up with some clever retort to twist the topic round on James. Both would have a good laugh at their own expense. But all things considered, Sirius could only answer in earnest.

"I thought maybe it would be wiser to wait and see if we lived through the next year or so before thinking about all that…"

"Why?"

"Uggghhhhhhh"

"So you'll think about it?"

Well now that James had gone and said it of course he'd have to think about it. How was he ever going to stop thinking about it? Was there any sort of coherent answer to the one word question James had posed? He had been doing a fine job of avoiding that train of thought before. Of course James would look very pleased with himself over inflicting this upon his best mate.

"You're a terrible friend and a terrible influence. I hope you know that."

"Yes. My loving marriage and sage advice are actually just meant to make you think really hard and get wrinkles before I do. That was my evil plan."

  
  


* * *

If Sirius were to encounter a time-turner version of himself at 16, that teenager would probably have to be taken to St. Mungos from the shock he’d suffer. This was not the plan. He’d never thought any of this was for him at all. He still wasn’t sure if he deserved it, but he’d accepted that it was happening.

He’d never even been to a jeweler before. What instance would he have had? It was all new territory as he looked at the different rings on display under a magical barrier meant to keep people from touching things.

_ This jewelry shop should write a personal note of thanks to James Potter.  _

It was by James’s doing that Sirius was there and ready to give them an inordinate sum of gold for something extremely small and fairly non-functional. But his best friend had put a bug in his ear and now he couldn’t get it out. He’d meant not to think about the whole… marriage… thing until later. Really truly he had. But then James brought it up and there was genuinely no good answer to “why?”

He knew he didn’t want to cause more pain for either of them if one of them didn’t make it. But it was like when he couldn’t admit that he loved her and couldn’t call her his girlfriend. It didn’t actually mean that he wouldn’t have been devastated if he’d lost her. Saying it just meant it could be out in the open. It meant he could enjoy the good part, while living with the crippling fear that was already there.

Marlene was due for dinner at her parents’ with the rest of her family...what was left of her family… and Sirius decided that was his opportunity to go pick out a ring. 

He’d only just walked out of the jewelers with the square cut diamond ring with the little moonstones on the side when Dumbledore’s phoenix patronus came. 

“The McKinnon House has been attacked, come at once.”

Sirius apparated out immediately. When he arrived in the Mckinnon family’s yard, he saw Mad-Eye Moody trying and failing to cast an incarcerous at a moving target. 

The house was on fire. There was blood on the ground. Sirius didn’t know whose. 

Minerva McGonagall was there, attempting to subdue the fire, which looked like dark magic to Sirius, who’d grown up surrounded by exactly that. It looked like fiendfyre.

“Marlene!” He screamed involuntarily. He didn’t see any of the McKinnons. Had they been inside? Where was the attack? What had happened?

Mad Eye cast a killing curse at the fleeing death eater. This time he hit his target. The wizard fell to the ground like a puppet who had his strings cut. 

Sirius had never seen a killing curse hit before. 

He approached Mad-Eye, who looked wounded. He was bleeding from the nose, but he was still on his feet. 

“Where are the McKinnons?”

“They were all inside. Ambushed. The Older boy, Gawain, put up a fight. He was still alive when I arrived. Took Wilkes down with him when the fiendfyre got him. And the others. I’m sorry. All we can do now is hunt down the slime that did this and put them away.”

Sirius could hear the pain in Mad-eyes voice, channeled into anger. But everything started to seem like a far away echo as soon as he heard that all of them were gone. He felt his legs collapsing under him. Hot tears were rolling down his face. 

Marlene…

He should have been there with her. If he’d just gone with her maybe she’d have been safe. Or at least he’d have been dead too. 

He couldn’t live without her. He’d find the rest of the wizards responsible for murdering the woman he’d been out buying an engagement ring for, he’d kill them, and hopefully himself too in the process. This world wasn’t livable anymore. 

He wasn’t sure know how long he stood there on his knees sobbing before Minerva McGonagall was there with a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, my boy. I know… what it’s like to lose someone you love. I know nothing I say will help right now, but I want you to know you aren’t alone.”

The world was spinning at a rapid pace but then he heard a faint little quack and it all came to a screeching halt. He stood up and looked around. He heard it again. 

That could be her. It could. 

“I’m sorry Minerva… I’ve… I’ve got to go.”

He followed the faint sound until it got louder. It seemed to be coming from a bush near a 3rd story window. 

He looked around and the quacking became louder. It was her. It had to be her, trying to alert him. 

“I’m here little duck. I’m here. Marlene. You’re… alive. Marlene?”

He knelt down and found the tiny injured animagus the ground. It looked like she was in pain, and she obviously couldn’t walk, but from what he could tell there was no bleeding. 

“Did you jump from the window?”

She couldn’t answer, but that must have been what happened.

“You’re hurt. I have to get you help.”

She quacked frantically as if to object. 

“You’re afraid they’ll find out you’re still alive. I could bring you to Lily? She’s an animal healer but trained to heal humans as well. She’ll be able to fix you as a duck and we can see about you until you’re strong enough to phase back. We can keep you hidden. I’m so sorry Marlene...I should have been here. I’m so sorry.”

He picked her up gently and  wrapped her in his jacket, before apparating to the Potter house.

He banged on the door.

“Lily! Open up. James! I need help!” 

Lily came to the door. By the look on her face, she’d heard about the attacks. 

“Marlene got out but you can’t tell anyone and you have to help. She’s an unregistered animagus. And she’s hurt.”

Lily nodded wordlessly and lead them into the kitchen in haste. She rummaged through a cabinet and grabbed a kit of something from the back.

“James!” She called out. 

James came running down the stairs, and into the kitchen. He had expected his best friend might have shown up in a state of grief or even injured, but he hadn’t expected him to show up in his kitchen with a duck. 

“Why is there a duck?”

“The Duck is Marlene. She’s an unregistered animagus. And she’s hurt. I don’t know how bad.”

“Marlene… I’m so glad you’re alive.” James said to the small mallard hen who was currently being examined on his kitchen counter. 

“Sirius… under any other circumstances I would have a lecture for you about getting Marlene mixed up in something dangerous and illegal… but it looks like in this case it saved her life. So… I can’t be anything but relieved.”

“She insisted on it. I knew but it was all her. She’s brilliant. I need you to heal her though. I think she’s stuck like this. She couldn’t walk when I found her”

“Did anyone else see her?”

“Not that I know of, but I only got there after. We’ll have to ask her when she can answer.”

“It looks like her left side took a beating. Her wing was crushed in several places. Her leg and one of her ribs on that same side are broken. She’ll be in a lot of pain, but I can heal her. James, you send word to Dumbledore that Sirius is staying with us tonight. He’ll think nothing of it. Sirius you can stay here while I do the healing, but I need complete silence.”

She got straight to work, administering two different potions with a dropper before pulling out her wand.Her first in the series of healing spells set the bones back in place. Then the subsequent ones were focused on healing the breaks and finally easing the pain. 

“It’ll be morning before she’s strong enough to phase back. I’d give her dreamless sleep potion but I don’t know the proper dose for a duck. When she’s human again we’ll see what we can do to help her. She won’t be alone. I promise both of you that.”

“Lily I can’t thank you enough… I’m… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Well you’re stuck with me and you never get to find out. Go check on James. I’ll make sure Marlene gets some rest.”

Sirius nodded and headed to the sitting room. James was staring into space like he’d been hit with a petrificus totalus. 

“I know. I feel the same way Prongs.”

“It’s… not what I thought it would be. None of this is a great adventure. Everyone is dying. The bastard might be after my son. He’s a year old Pads! How am I going to raise him in this world? Last week we were thinking of asking Marlene to be his godmum and now she’s only barely alive and that’s because she’s a rule breaker and a duck.”

“It’s a terrible time to be alive. I thought she was dead, Prongs. Mad-Eye told me she was dead. He was swearing vengeance and that was all I felt like I had left before I heard her little voice. You know, I should have been there. I should have been there and fought with the rest of them. I was… I was buying her this. It’s so stupid.” He grabbed the little black velvet box, still in his pocket and gave it to James. 

“You took my suggestion to heart, and I’m glad you did. You might not have been able to make it out like she did.”

“I’m an animagus too. You know that full well.”

“I know, but you aren’t a bird. Padfoot can’t fly.”

“Well neither could Marlene. At least not well. And she must have been injured before she phased. It looked like she hardly flew at all, but just jumped from the little attic window and hoped for the best.”

“It worked. She was very brave. I hope she says yes, Pads. You have to be her family now. We will too.”

Sirius hadn’t had time amidst the chaos to process the fact Marlene’s whole family was gone. They’d been unflinchingly accepting to anyone, regardless of their magical heritage or anything else about them save their own character. People like that deserved to live to ripe old ages. But now Marlene was alone. 

She wasn’t alone. Sirius was going to be with her every step of the way. He couldn’t replace her family, but he could make sure she knew that he loved her and would do anything in the world for her. He’d protect her at all cost, and let her lean on him while she grieved. She’d done that for him and they’d hardly known each other. He had to be strong for Marlene now.

“We have funerals to plan, not weddings. Besides she has to stay hidden. She’s safer if the enemy all think she’s dead. We know there’s a spy. She’ll want as few people as possible in the know.”

“You’re right, of course. But you should still give her the ring. You have it anyway. And maybe that will give you both something to look forward to. When all this is over.”

“It’s hard to picture what it’ll look like when this is over.”

* * *

Sirius hardly slept that night. The Potters had a lovely spare room and tried to make him comfortable, even offered him a potion, which he refused. He worried something would happen and he’d be needed right then and there. He’d only just nodded off when Lily knocked on the door. 

“Sirius, it’s morning. You’ll want to be with me when I check on Marlene.”

He hurried down the stairs, past James, who was on the couch with a sleepy-eyed Harry. And into the kitchen where Marlene was recovering. 

Lily went and laid hands on the little brown duck, checking the progress of the bone healing. She listened to her heartbeat and asked Marlene if she was able to walk. 

Marlene stood up on her little webbed feet and walked a few steps, slowly and weakly, but she was able to do it. 

“I think you’re strong enough to phase back now. You’ll still hurt, but I’ll be better able to manage your pains when you’re in your human body. You’ll have to phase back and hide immediately if anyone comes round other than the 3 of us, alright? You’re safer as a duck.”

She let out a little quack and then went very still for a few seconds before turning back into Marlene. Her clothes were torn and she was covered in bruises and scratches. Her face even had little marks on it which hadn’t been apparent when she’d been a duck. 

Sirius held back his impulse to hug her tightly, as she was hurt and healing a broken rib, but he touched her face and laid tender kisses on her forehead and then her lips. Tears were welling up in both of their eyes, and Lily’s too for that matter. 

“I’ll uh… give you two some space for now. I’ll look at your healing a bit later.” She said as she made herself scarce from the kitchen. 

“I thought I’d lost you...”

His chest hurt. Like he’d been underwater for too long and come up gasping for air. The relief was real but so was the pain. 

“My whole family is dead. I should be dead…”

Her voice shook. There was already a steady current of tears streaming down her face. This was the sort of thing that ruined people. She wondered if this pain would ever turn dull or if she’d even survive it in the long term. This could still kill her. 

“That’s what I thought when they told me. That I should have been there.”

“If you’d been there then I don’t think I would have bothered to jump out of that window.”

It was terrible to think of. That Sirius was the thread holding her will to live together at the moment. That she could lose him too. Maybe they should have all died together. Would living, really living, even be possible now?

“You did jump from the window? Can you tell me how it happened? All I saw was Mad-Eye killing Rosier as he tried to run.” 

“They fought… we all did. But there were too many. I saw Travers murder my sister. I tried…to fight back... someone hit me with a blasting spell when I was trying to get higher on the stairs to the attic. My arm was in pieces and I fell.”

She brought her right hand up to the curse scar on the outside of her left arm. Sirius hadn’t noticed it yet, but he’d thought she must have been injured in both human and animagus form. 

She took a breath and continued recounting the attack.

“The Order reinforcement started showing up, so the Death Eaters cast fiendfyre and ran. Gawain saw that I was still alive and so did one of the attackers. Gawain grabbed him and yelled for me to run. He dragged the Death Eater down into the fire with him to give me a chance to get away... I transformed and went out the window but I couldn’t fly.”

She felt sick. They’d always been the least close amongst the five siblings. Yet he sacrificed himself to make sure there were no witnesses who knew she’d survived the blast. If he hadn’t done that she’d have been found and killed. Gawain was the reason she was alive. 

“Mad Eye must have seen Gawain with Wilkes. He told me that that Gawain was the last alive and he fought bravely. I remember seeing him that day your whole family waited with me at 9 ¾ and thinking how loyal he was to you despite all the barbs. He loved you.”

Marlene leaned into Sirius’s chest and sobbed, letting the floodgates open fully. All the pain and grief. Guilt. It was torture. 

Sirius couldn’t make it hurt any less. All he could do was help her carry the pain. 

“There’s nothing I can say to make any of this ok. Ever. But Marlene, I promise you aren’t alone. I’ll be right beside you every day. We can’t avoid the pain that comes with war, but we don’t have to bear it alone. You told me that. Now I’m telling you. Alright?”

He pulled out the little box from his pocket. Thinking that it was now or never. The worst imaginable thing had happened and he still had this ring and he was just… going to give it to her. If she wanted it. 

“I was out getting this. That’s… what I was doing. It seems pretty stupid now. But I want you to have it.”

She took the box in her hands and opened it, tears of grief steadily streaming down her face.

Sirius dropped to one knee, suddenly remembering that he was supposed to do that. Nothing else was going how it was supposed to, but he could do that. 

“I love you. It’s not like we can get married when everyone is supposed to think you’re dead and you’re hiding out as a duck. But I wanted you to have it.”

“I’d have liked to marry you. But I can wear this ring and be your pet duck for now.”

She looked despondent. When her family was alive and whole, she’d had the brightest smile. She would have smiled like that, if he’d asked her to marry him in a better world. 

She couldn’t smile anymore. But she still wanted to be his wife. Sirius could not thank his lucky stars hard enough. He’d thought he’d lost her. She was hurt but she was here. And he would take care of her, even if it was as a pet duck for a larger percentage of the time than he’d ever imagined. 

“If somehow we survive the war, I’ll be the first wizard to have married his pet duck. A distinctive honor, if I’ve ever heard one.”

She attempted to smile to show him that she appreciated his efforts, but the smile wouldn’t come. She was afraid she’d been damaged in ways that would never heal. 

“Everything hurts Sirius. Everything…” she was clutching at her left side where her rib had broken. She may have been referring to the emotional pain but it surely would be a good idea to address the physical as well.

“Can we let Lily look at your bruising now? She might be able to give you a potion.”

“Yeah. Alright.”

* * *

> The couple were still staying with the Potters when Dumbledore came by to cast the Fidelius. Sirius stood as a secret keeper until they could track down Peter. Marlene was in no hurry to leave, but she knew they’d have to once Sirius got Peter to take the Fidelius. Until then, she was occupied as Harry’s new pet duck. 

Being Harry’s pet duck was a welcome distraction to Marlene. Both Harry and the half-kneazle she’d brought him chased her around mercilessly. When Harry caught her and hugged her she would have started crying if she’d known how to cry as a duck. This kid deserved a better world than the one he was born into. 

She was a duck more often than not after the fire. She was safer as a duck and everyone had said so, but part of her reasoning was the world wasn’t as complicated, or as painful, in her animagus form.  

If she was ever safe again, she’d learn to cope with being human in a world where her whole family was dead but she survived. When she had instance to phase back into human shape, she’d stare down at the ring on her left hand. The delicate looking diamond and moonstone ring was, by sheer luck, the reason she and Sirius were still alive. It symbolized hope for the future. The future was a terrifying concept and it would have been easier to just stay a duck. But as it stood, she was glad the wizard who’d given her the ring loved her. She wouldn’t have to face the future alone. 

When Sirius returned to the Potter house with Peter, Marlene the duck was standing watch as Harry and his kitten took a nap on the sofa. Lily came in from the kitchen and called up to James to hurry down.

“Peter! Glad you could come. Sorry we’ll have to be quiet. Harry and his kitten decided to take a nap in the middle of everything. Oh and you see he’s got a duck too. Staying cooped up in the house is no fun, so the animals have helped with that a lot.” 

Lily’s explanation sounded perfectly reasonable, especially knowing she’d been an animal healer. If anyone were going to get their toddler a duck, it would be Lily. 

No one noticed that Peter felt disgusted by Lily and her stupid creatures. It never did any good to say so. He’d learned that lesson in about 5th year. James would never hear a harsh word about her. James cared more for her than he ever had for his friends. Peter wouldn’t fall in line with the Lily worship, but he kept his head down and watched his friends become thoroughly ruined by this… muggle.

A normal witch or wizard would never keep a regular duck as a pet. Lily though, didn’t even have the decency to have a magical pet. She just let her son play with dirty muggle farm animals. James did nothing to stop her. He never did. Anything Lily wanted Lily got. Including all of Peter's friends. 

And no one noticed how much it sickened Peter. Not once in all their years of friendship. No one took Peter seriously. 

So he stood and took on the position as secret keeper for the Potters. The Fidelius Charm meant the secret of their location was imbedded in his very soul. The Dark Lord could only find them if Peter gave up the information of his own free will.

They’ll regret not taking him seriously, he thought, as he left Godric’s Hollow for the last time.


	7. Fall 1981

Fall 1981

 

Halloween was an occasion where people were likely to drop by unannounced so Marlene, knowing the risk, stayed a duck. But it was the other birds that were acting peculiar that evening. Owls flying back and forth to the point Sirius felt the need to ask someone. He’d been informed of nothing.

“I have to see what all this is about. It’s safer if you stay here. I’ll be back soon.”

She quacked in response, which was always a little funny. But Sirius was too worried to laugh right then. He made his way outside, hopped on his motorbike and flew off. He could have gone anywhere, but Godric’s Hollow was always his first thoughts.

When he got there he saw the house’s roof was blown off and Hagrid was outside.

“What… happened?”

The half-giant had tears in his eyes.

“He killed ‘em. Lily and James. Harry’s alive. We can’ figure how it happened, but… You-know who’s dead. Er jus’ vanished.”

Sirius felt sick. That rat was going to die.

“You have Harry? I’m his godfather. I have to take him. I can care for him. That’s what his parents… would have wanted…”

“Dumbledore’s got me droppin ‘im with Lily’s sister.”

“I won’t let them have him. I’ll be back for you, Harry. I have to go see about a rat.”

He kissed the little boy’s face and saw the curse scar. That… it looked like a killing curse but… that was impossible.

He didn’t take time to think about impossible things. He had to go kill Peter Pettigrew. Sirius felt sure he could do it when the moment came. He hadn’t been born to be a good person. He wasn’t decent or honorable like James. He would kill Peter without need and never regret it. Some people really deserved to die.

This… was all because he trusted the weak little bastard. If only he’d just done it himself… James and Lily would still be alive.  

He sent a patronus to Marlene. It was quick and to the point. But she should know.

When he tracked Peter down... Everything started spinning. Peter was trying to set him up? All those muggles dead and Peter cut off his own finger…. None of the images were that rapidly flashed before his eyes made any sense. Then the aurors dragged Sirius away.

What did they think he’d done? Was Peter really smart enough to frame him for this? Sirius felt out of touch with reality he might have passed out of maybe someone hit him with a spell. But he closed his eyes and there was nothing for a long while.

* * *

 

Marlene, upon receiving Sirius’s patronus about Peter Pettigrew’s upcoming demise, ran from the flat in human form to find help. She sent out patronuses to both McGonagall and Dumbledore. They had no idea that she was alive, but none of it mattered.

Marlene understood what Peter Pettigrew had done. What he was doing. She wasn’t going to let him frame Sirius for this betrayal. She’d been there. She’d seen the spell done herself. If she hurried maybe they’d catch Pettigrew. Lock him up in Azkaban. Or kill him. She didn’t particularly care what happened to the scum, but she cared greatly what happened to Sirius.

She apparated straight to the damned Ministry of Magic. She didn’t care that she was supposed to be dead for her own safety. She could worry about that later. She saw everyone… celebrating? What was going on?

She caught Mad-Eye Moody as he was leaving. He looked less than celebratory.

“I don’t know if you’ll remember me and I know I’m supposed to be dead, but Edgar Bones was my brother-in-law and you need to listen to me.”

His grimace was unchanging as his magical eye looked her up and down.

“Well. Go on then. You’ve got my attention.”

“Sirius Black didn’t betray the Potters. Peter Pettigrew did. I saw the Fidelius transfer. I could show a memory in front of the wizengamot if I need to. Sirius went after Peter. He’s not thinking clearly. Peter will want to make it look like Sirius betrayed the Potters.”

“And he just happened to overlook that the Fidelius transfer had a witness? I know the boy isn’t the brightest but…”

“I was a duck at the time. I know. I’m in a lot of trouble. Save it. I need you to help me. Do you know where Sirius is now?”

“Of course… she was a duck at the time.” He mumbled under his breath as he gestured for Marlene to follow.

“He’s already been placed under arrest. He was losing his mind when they picked him up. The report says there were 10 dead muggles and Peter Pettigrew’s finger.”

“Right. He’ll have turned into a rat and run for it. You’ll need to be on the lookout for a rat missing a toe.”

“Is there anyone involved who is not a bloody unregistered animagus?” Mad eye rolled his magical eye.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have time to give excuses... I know you were like a father to Edgar. Edgar was my family too. He believed in justice and fought for it. He wouldn’t put a wizard in Azkaban without hearing me out. I have to help Sirius. Are you going to help me?”

“Alright girl. You’ve done enough convincing. You… look a lot like your sister. She was a great witch. I’m glad you made it out alive. Even if that means I have to write you up for being a duck at the time.”

“Who do we need to convince in order to get Sirius out?”

“I have it on good authority that Crouch wants him thrown in Azkaban without trial. I think I can persuade him otherwise. You’ll need to do the rest of the convincing at the trial. I’ll send an owl to Dumbledore. He’ll… well he’ll be Dumbledore.”

“Thank you. This means a lot to me.”

“Don’t go all soft on me girl. I have to go speak to Crouch. You’ll...figure it out.”

 

* * *

 

The trial was thrown together very quickly. It seemed to Marlene that Crouch just wanted to put people in Azkaban. He didn’t much care whether those particular witches and wizards were guilty or not. He’d probably been hardened by years in seeing the worst of humanity. But there was no excuse for what he’d have done to Sirius if Mad-Eye hadn’t helped.

 

He seemed angry to have to issue the acquittal. But faced with incontrovertible proof in Marlene’s penseive memory of the transfer, he had little choice in the matter.

 

Marlene and Sirius both had a verbal lashing from Minerva McGonagall to look forward to. They’d take it and they’d thank her for it. She’d stood up in front of a Wizengamot and vouched for them.

 

Thanks to her they’d be registered as animagi and required to do some mildly unpleasant community service. They could have been at Crouch’s mercy (which was non-existent), but Minerva was well respected and took responsibility for them as animagi.

 

After throwing their arms around each other, she was the first person the young couple sought out. She didn’t even have it in her to pretend to be mad.

 

She was not one for displays of emotion, but none of the three had a dry eye outside of that courtroom. They’d all lost so much.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I don’t want your thanks. I want your help getting Harry Potter away from those… people. I argued with Albus about it, but I have no recourse. You do.”

 

“We’ll do everything we can.” Sirius agreed.

 

“I have an idea…”

 

By the look on Marlene’s face, Minerva felt sure this idea would not be entirely on the up and up. She sighed. She was in too deep with this lot to backtrack. Somewhere along the line Professor Minerva McGonagall was going to have to become a rule breaker.

  
  


* * *

 

  
  
  
  
  


There was only minor bribery involved in getting Arabella Fig on board with Marlene’s strategy until Dumbledore could be persuaded to let Harry live with them.

 

“Alright, you can have him for the hour, but you can’t be seen. They’re very little now but if the little fat one sees anything the Dursley’s will have a fit and Dumbledore will find out.”

 

Mrs. Fig received a bark, a meow, and a quack in response.

 

At just under a year and a half old Harry Preferred Marlene in her animagus form. Perhaps due to familiarity, or perhaps, given the choice, any toddler would prefer to have a duck as a godmother.

 

He loved Sirius as Padfoot as well but Sirius decided that he would make an effort to talk to him in human form, at least a little bit every visit, while cat and duck stood watch.

 

Harry sat on his godfather’s lap and smiled at the moving images of him parents in the wizarding photograph that Sirius brought with him, with hopes that Mrs. Fig would keep it safe for him for the time being.

 

“I wanted you to have this of your parents. Lily and James. I miss them too Harry.”

 

Sirius started tearing up. He didn’t have it left in him to be embarrassed. He’d lost the first person who ever really treated him like family scarcely a week ago. He felt that he needed to stay strong for Harry, and for Marlene as well, but the pain and grief was so fresh that he found himself in tears more than ever before in his life.

 

“They were a great witch and wizard. You’re going to make them so proud one day Harry. I can tell. You have a Gryffindor spirit. You’re gonna give that kitty over there some hell, aren’t you?”

 

The little grey tabby cat glared at Sirius. Minerva’s glares were somehow just as menacing when she was in animagus form. Sirius was one of the only people on earth who would dare bark out a laugh upon receiving that look.

 

“She pretends to be all rules and regulations, but she’s here isn’t she? Did you know that she gave Marlene 7 weeks of detention in one term?”

 

Marlene quacked indignantly. She could make a quack sound indignant. It was really impressive, Sirius thought.

 

“8 weeks. Right. She beat the record that your dad and I tied for during our 6th year.”

 

She quacked again, triumphantly. With that Harry slid off Sirius’s lap and toddled off to chase his favorite duck.

 

Sirius still had times when he wanted to track down Peter Pettigrew and kill him, but the overwhelming majority of the time he remembered that there were people who needed him. He’d narrowly avoided Azkaban once, thanks to one such person. He wouldn’t make all her efforts for naught.

 

The logic of the matter didn’t keep him from feeling angry that this little boy would grow up without his parents because of someone who he’d trusted. Someone he’d called a friend.

 

He calmed himself by focusing in on Harry. James and Lily had trusted him to raise Harry if anything happened to them, and he was going to honor their wishes to the best of his ability. This little baby, who was happily chasing Marlene in her duck form, was going to grow up loved.

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Uh... Why are you naked?”

Sirius had opened the door to the bedroom expecting to see Marlene already asleep in bed or perhaps still a duck. She spent a lot of time as a duck these days. It was one strategy she had for fending off the torrential downpour of pain that had hit as soon as the adrenaline of the trial wore off.

He had not expected that she’d be carelessly draped over a chair, reading some old book, completely starkers.

“Oh right sorry, I just had been a duck for a long time and I forgot the clothes part. It’s easy to do. I’m sure you’ve done it.” Marlene didn’t even look up from the book.

“I have. But you’re… still naked.”

“You’re looking at me.”

He looked away quickly and hated himself a little for looking at her like that. She was hurting. She didn’t want to be looked at like that.

“I’m sorry… I mean you’re beautiful and I really was enjoying the view. But I know you’re hurting. Everything went to complete hell over the course of only a few weeks. I understand that my ogling your naked bum isn’t alright, for now.”

“You wanted to marry me…” she wasn’t reading her book any longer. She was just sort of staring despondent into the air.

“I do. I want to marry you.”

“You’re scared to touch me now. I can see it. I’m like the personification of grief.”

“I’m not afraid to touch you. I really enjoy touching you. But you can’t enjoy anything right now. I understand. You don’t have to pretend for me.”

She thought she wouldn’t be capable of pretending anything anyway. The pain was overwhelming. Maybe it was unfair to Sirius. She was a totally different person before all of this. He didn’t have to tie himself to someone who couldn’t even handle staying in human form for a whole day.

“We don’t have to get married. This isn’t how it was supposed to be.”

They’d lost everyone in the span of half a year. Nearly everyone who would have celebrated their marriage was dead. But Sirius was still thanking the stars every day and night that they had each other. Marlene (with the help for Mad-Eye Moody and Minerva McGonagall) has saved him from a lifetime in Azkaban. He never forgot that he was lucky.

So Sirius was stayed strong for Marlene, at least for the moment. He’d lost his family too. He had nightmares about James and Lily’s death. His grief came out more in bursts, rather than the constant dull pain Marlene experienced.

“This isn’t how it was supposed to be. None of it is. But that doesn’t mean we stop living. I think I remember a stunning witch in a very short dress saying those exact words.”

“I’m not the same girl you kissed under the mistletoe. She died with the rest of her family and you got left with this sad shell of a person.”

Her voice was so flat and matter-of-fact. It was more painful to watch than the tears she cried or the screaming shaking nightmares she’d wake from. She’d lost too much. It was too much to bear so sometimes she just… shut off. Like she didn’t have the energy to feel anything.

“Are you cold?” Sirius asked, realizing that she didn’t even have it in her to get up and get dressed.

She nodded in the affirmative, and he brought a blanket over and wrapped it around her, and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead.

“I’m not going to stop loving you because something horrible happened and you’re hurting. You are still exactly the witch I fell in love with.”

“You fell in love with a witch who knew how to smile.”

“I have faith I’ll see that smile again someday. But even if you never got it back, that wasn’t what made me love you. I love you because you’re kind. You didn’t treat me like Sirius Black the disowned heir of a house full of monsters. You didn’t even treat me like Sirius Black the cacophony of emotional damage. You knew exactly how fucked up I was and there you were, at my door, asking if you could help. You’re still that person. And I still love you.”

“That’s the same night I realized I was in love with you.” She met his eyes for the first time since he’d walked in.

“Oh? And you’re willing to take on all that, a fortnight after making my aquatintence, but you think we can’t get married because you’re hurting now, after all this?”

“I guess that doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

“Right I guess it doesn’t. So we’ll get married. Whenever you feel up to going to the ministry we’ll get married. We can throw a party later. I just want to be able to call you my wife. Do you want to take my name or should I take yours? The McKinnons have always been good people and we could be the McKinnons, if you’d like that.”

“I’d thought I would take yours. I’ve been practicing my signature like that since I was 14.”

She would have laughed at herself if she’d had the strength. It was pretty ridiculous. But somehow it had worked out that way.

“Alright then. You can have it. We can be the Blacks. The Noble and Most Ancient House is Black can sort Hufflepuff if we ever have a kid and I will personally congratulate this hypothetical kid on being in the best house.”

Sirius knelt down in front of her, and took her hand in his.

“Your ancestors are all rolling over in their graves.”

“I know. It’s very satisfying.”

He kissed her lips very sweetly. She wished she could smile. It broke her heart that he was trying so hard, and she loved him with every ounce of her being, yet she still couldn’t manage to smile.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe enough to have a kid.”

“If you don’t then I’ll still count myself lucky to spend my life with you.”

“I hope we can have a real wedding night. It’s been so long I’ll feel like a virgin bride.”

“If you want to wait until you feel ready for that then it’s fine with me.”

They hadn’t been intimate since the fiendfyre took her family. At first it was that she was physically injured and then there was a torrential downpour of grief that overwhelmed everything else. Marlene slept in his arms every night but he never made a move to do anything more than kiss her.

She understood his reasoning and was grateful he loved her so much that he was willing to wait indefinitely. But she felt like waiting until she really felt like herself again was futile. Any aspect of normalcy she could grasp at would be a welcome relief. Giving in to primal physical magnetism might even help her feel a little more like herself. It wasn’t as if he stopped being exceptionally good looking at any point. She still wanted him, she was just afraid to disappoint him. Maybe it really would feel like shagging the personification of grief...

“What if I’m ready now but it just can’t be like before? What if I want to make love to you but I don’t remember how to smile anymore? Do you still want me, like this?”

“Of course I do. Do you think you’re up to getting dressed and going down to the ministry?”

He pulled her up by the hands. She wasn’t smiling but she looked a little more alive and present than she had when he walked in. He hoped she’d be agreeable, despite her usual aversion to leaving the flat for anything but visiting Harry, and even then it was as a duck.

“I don’t have anything to wear. And since when did we have to be married to have a shag?”

“We don’t have to be… I just thought maybe it’d be nice. To bring Mrs. Black to bed and show her exactly how much I love her.”

“You’re a terrible sap. If I could remember how to laugh, I would be laughing at you. But I’ll go put on some knickers and maybe a burlap sack or something and we can head to the ministry. There’s no time like now.”

“Knickers and a burlap sack. Fetching.”

“Ya think, since you’ll be my husband tomorrow and all, you could firecall for an appointment for me? For a mind healer? I think… it’s probably going to be stupid but on the off chance it helps?”

She’d been thinking about it for a while now. It was hardly a feasible option when she was supposed to be dead. Now there was no excuse not to try it.

“Of course. Maybe I should get mind healing too. Do you think they heal minds that were never quite right to begin with?”

“Eh. Worth a go.”

She took his hand and kissed his fingers, grateful that she had someone to go through this with her.

“Hurry up and get your boots on. I want to marry you.”


	8. Spring 1982 & Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are at the conclusion! I’ve had a lot of fun writing this. Thanks for reading.

Spring 1982

 

Marlene walked up to stone monument where her childhood home used to be. It was a goal she’d set forhelf with her mind healer, and she was seeing it through.

 

The bodies of her 2 brothers, her sister Grace and her parents, had been consumed by fiendfyre. There was nothing left to bury. But she wanted… something. So this was what she did. 

 

It was her land. She could have built a new home on it. She still could. But she wasn’t ready to think of that. She was pleased with the way the statues had turned out. They looked like themselves. Kind. Loyal. Fiercely committed to the light. Gawain, of all of them, had died a hero. Taking one of his killers down with him in attempt to give his still living sibling the opportunity to flee. Marlene hoped he saw her get up and run before he died. She wished she could thank him. She supposed this was the best she could do now.

 

“So you guys are all dead and I’m not. It sucks. And I’m here talking to a bunch of carefully shaped rocks I had made. But that’s all I’ve got so I’m going to do my best.”

 

She looked to the two littlest statues. Her niece and nephew who never got to grow up. The Bones family had already been killed prior to the massacre, and their bodies were buried with the other members of her brother-in-law’s family. But she made them part of this monument because it was her monument anyway and she felt it was right. 

 

“I still think of you guys all the time. I can still cast a patronus thinking how much fun we had together. Thank you. For giving me that.”

 

She stood up and looked at the likeness of the children’s mother. Her sister Elaine had been her greatest role model and fiercest support. Marlene often felt lost without her. 

 

“Elaine, I had so much more to ask you. I don’t know how to be a grown witch. You were meant to teach me. Every day I catch myself wanting to firecall you for advice. I give myself talks in my head in your voice. It’s not quite the same. But I hope you’d be pleased that your voice is still looking out for me.”

 

She felt the tears falling down her cheeks. She hated it. She’d shut off emotionally as a defense against it. But her mind healer always said that she needed to go through feeling the emotions before she could move on. She’d do it, but it didn’t stop her from hating it.

 

“Gawain… you may have saved my life. So thanks. I’m sure if you’d lived you’d have continued to be a pain in my arse. But you were my brother and I love you. I miss you more than you’d believe. Thank you.”

 

“I wanted to tell you all that I got married a few months back. To Sirius. Obviously. Who else? I wanted to tell Grace and Lucan that I told them so when we went up to the ministry to retrieve our marriage license. But… you’re dead. So now I’m crying at some rocks.”

 

She looked to the two statues in the middle. Her parents. They’d been the kindest and most accepting parents she could have asked for. They taught her what it really meant to be loyal. The truest Hufflepuffs of their generation. She hoped they’d be proud of her, for the hard work she was putting into this whole process. 

 

“Mum and Dad I wish you could have been there. It wasn’t even really a wedding. No one to walk me up the aisle. There was no aisle, come to think of it. But I’m glad you got to know Sirius and I know you loved him. You saw that he was good to me. You knew that much. ...he was out looking for an engagement ring the night of the massacre. It was an exhausting process to get from there to here, but… we did. We got married. You may now call me Mrs. Black. Except that none of you can call me anything… and this really sucks. I miss you.”

 

She had to pause. She felt sobbing tears coming on and she took a breath to try and make it through the things she’d wanted to say. Her mind healer told her it might help her to talk to them, and she intended to give it her best effort. 

 

“You’d all be happy to know I’m not alone. I have a family of sorts. There’s Sirius of course. And our god-son Harry. Dumbledore’s still got him living with these awful muggles but we’re fighting it as hard as we can. We see him as much as possible. He’s going to grow up knowing where he came from and knowing we love him.”

 

“And then there’s Minerva McGonagall of all people. She’s sort of adopted us. And Mad-Eye. If it weren’t for Mad-Eye Sirius would be serving life in Azkaban for something he not only didn’t do but tried to avenge…it’s a long story. But thanks for Mad-Eye Edgar. He’s crazy but he’s family now.”

 

“I hope.. you guys would be proud of me. I’m trying. That Hufflepuff persistence…”

 

“Maybe next time Sirius and Harry can come too. Until then I guess…”

 

She laid down a sunflower she’d brought. Sirius had always asserted that she looked like a sunflower. She wished it were true. She looked like a witch who was barely keeping it together. She looked a mess. She’d come to think of it as her flower now, nonetheless. The sizable seed head surrounded with bright yellow petals made for a nicer flower than the sad looking roses and Calla lilies that people often left at graves and monuments. The sunflower looked more hopeful than anything else for miles and miles. That might not have been what she felt like at the moment but it was what she aimed to be.

 

* * *

  
  


Epilogue Spring 1985

  
  


Vernon Dursley was an easy man to hate. Sirius had been intent on imposing himself onto Harry’s upbringing from the get go, but he might have felt at least a twinge of conflict about fighting hard to take Harry away from a guardian who was kind and good to the little boy. The Dursley family, however, did not present this challenge of heart to him. They were genuinely awful people. 

 

Marlene’s animagus was smaller and thus it was easier for her to hide at close range, but a dog was much less noteworthy than a tiny mallard hen casually walking around Little Whinging.  

 

Marlene as a duck tended to carry herself in a way that suggested that she not only belonged there, she owned the place. It came with the territory of her career, she said. Minerva had encouraged the young couple to legitimize becoming animagus as a worthwhile magical endeavor and Marlene had taken her up on it. She was the only registered animagus alive who took on pupils. She oversaw the brewing of their potion and monitored their first transitions. She’d always thought she had an easier time with the process because she had Sirius to walk her through it. She helped add an average of 5 witches and wizards per season to the animagus registry. Therefor her aura of being the most important duck in Wizard Britain was not unwarranted. It was generally really fun for Sirius to watch, but it was incredibly conspicuous. 

 

For today the Blacks had decided that Marlene would go behind a shrubbery in the Dursley garden and Sirius would wait at a distance for her signal that Vernon had left, if he left. They came around at least once a week in animagus form. Minerva came along when she could. Sometimes they weren’t even able to interact with Harry at all, but in those instances they just observed the way he was treated by his guardians. They had to have solid proof that he was in a harmful environment if they were going to go to Dumbledore to contest the arrangement. As of that moment, the piggish looking muggle man was just sitting on a lawn chair and reading a newspaper. 

 

Marlene thought it was concerning that this family routinely left 4 year old Harry unattended in the garden. But she questioned whether it was just something muggles did. Maybe since their children didn’t have magic to contend with they didn’t think it was very dangerous. The Dursleys occasionally left their own little boy out in the white-fenced front garden as well. 

 

Harry proved Marlene’s point by magically willing the lock on the front gate, which was well out of his reach, to open itself. Very impressive wandless magic from a child so young. She’d have to tell him how proud she was later. At this moment she had to stay hidden and watch as Vernon Dursley realized what was going on. His face grew even redder than it’s usual shade. That was quite a feat. 

 

He looked like he might start emitting steam as he stomped towards the skinny little black haired child. 

 

“How many times do I have to tell you, boy? NO funny business!” The horrible man fumed before slapping Harry across the face. 

 

Marlene would not stand for that. Not even as a duck. She could get just as mad as this horrid muggle and she wasn’t inclined to hold it in any longer. 

 

She came out from behind the shrub and headed straight for Vernon Dursley’s ankles, quacking as loudly as possible, mostly hoping to shock him. She didn’t even have teeth as a duck, so she could hardly do any real damage, none the the less she snapped at him with all the mite of her little bill. 

 

At first he looked perplexed. Of course he looked perplexed. This was extremely atypical behavior from a duck. Not to mention the question of what the duck was even doing there. Marlene didn’t stop her attack to observe his confusion or to think about the likelihood he would suspect magic. She continued to chase him as he made futile attempts to put distance between himself and the irate duck. 

 

Sirius, by this point, had been alerted to what was going and wasn’t sure he if could laugh as a dog but he sure felt like he was laughing as he watched the spherical man grab his equally round son by the hand and run for cover inside their home. His hearing was very acute as a dog and he swore he head a grown man squeal in fear of a duck. A duck that Sirius Black was proud to call his wife. 

 

Little Harry had already enveloped his Duckie, as he generally called her, into a hug before Sirius phased back to his human form and let himself into the front gate. He was still in complete stitches from the scene he’d witnessed as he approached his godson and duck shaped wife. 

 

He knelt down and messed Harry’s hair while Marlene phased back to her human form as well. 

 

She had to take a minute to collect herself. She was nearly crying with laughter. That had been the most fun she’d had in years. 

 

“Sirius we’re bringing him home.” She stated matter of factly. 

 

“...ok I know better to argue with you but can you explain what Dursley did?”

 

“He got angry. I opened the gate.” Harry’s little voice chimed in. 

 

“You opened the gate? Bravo Harry! Marlene our Harry is a prodigy.”

 

Harry beamed at his godparents. He knew that he wasn’t allowed to mention magic in front of Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon, but it was always part of him. He was so excited that his godparents were proud of him for his magic. 

 

“Yes but you’ve missed the point. That slimy git slapped Harry right across the face! We’re not leaving him here. I have incontrovertible proof that Dursley is harming him. We take Harry with us today and we go to Dumbledore before he can hear it from someone else. We can give him the courtesy of an explanation but we aren’t bringing him back here even if that means we all run off to start a new life in Spain.”

 

Marlene had gotten worked up and forgotten that Harry was listening. She hoped that she hadn’t upset him. Sirius was always better with that sort of thing. The truth was neither of them had any idea what they were doing with regard to raising a kid, but they knew they loved this particular one unconditionally. They’d made him a priority since the very beginning, and had always hoped to become his guardians. They’d figure out the particulars of that as they went along. Marlene figured that must be what regular parents do anyhow. 

 

“Is Kitty coming with us to Spain?” Harry asked, with a tinge of worry creeping into his tiny voice.

 

“We aren’t going to Spain Harry. We’re going to London. We’re going home. You’d like to stay with Duckie and I?”

 

“Yay yay yay!” 

 

The little boy was actually jumping up and down with excitement. His godparents and his kitty had been a constant presence in his life. Even at not quite five years old, he was certain that they were his real family, and he’d been given to the Dursleys by mistake.

 

Marlene magically summoned the nearest writing implements and scribbled down a note for Mrs. and Mrs. Dursley that Harry is with his Godparents and they should stay away if they’d like to avoid further vicious duck attacks.

 

“We should owl Minerva. If Dumbledore knows she’s on our side then sees what you saw there’s no way he can tell us no. But just in case, we’ll ask the old girl if she speaks any Spanish.” 

 

Sirius winked at his wife as he took Harry by the hand and lead him down the street to his motorbike. He helped Harry into the side car and then Marlene onto the back before kicking off on their first ride home as a family of three. 

 


End file.
